haynes manual translations ......these are sooo true lol
01 February 2006, 02:17 PM
#1
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haynes manual translations ......these are sooo true lol
just found these on another car forum an thought i`d share with everyone 
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks..
. Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "b*****" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book except the thing you want to do
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks..
. Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "b*****" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book except the thing you want to do
01 February 2006, 04:44 PM
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Have always loved the Haynes manual, especially where it has things like :
Step 1 - remove the nut
When what it should say is ( this is especially relevant for Ford sump plugs which appear to be made of an alloy of lead and cheese ) :
Search for hours for the correct socket to fit, then remember you lent it to your mate, phone mate, who tells you he lost it, go round shop for another one. Get back, nut wont budge no matter how hard you try and how many cans of WD40 you spray on - find spare bit of old scaffold pole to get a bit more leverage - yes, its going its going its.... rounded the fxxking nut off - socket now spins uselessly around the nut, and the next size down is still too small to fit whats left of the nut. Spend best part of an hour filing two new flats onto the nut, use adjustable spanner, eventually get it moving after slipping three times and taking all the skin off your knuckles. In your elation at finally moving it, completely forget to put the oil tray under the sump and cover garage floor in oil. Go out to buy new sump plug only to find the shop is shut so you cant finish the job until tomorrow.
Step 2. Promise yourself next time you'll take it to a proper garage, but forget this by the time the next oil change is due and repeat above process.
Step 1 - remove the nut
When what it should say is ( this is especially relevant for Ford sump plugs which appear to be made of an alloy of lead and cheese ) :
Search for hours for the correct socket to fit, then remember you lent it to your mate, phone mate, who tells you he lost it, go round shop for another one. Get back, nut wont budge no matter how hard you try and how many cans of WD40 you spray on - find spare bit of old scaffold pole to get a bit more leverage - yes, its going its going its.... rounded the fxxking nut off - socket now spins uselessly around the nut, and the next size down is still too small to fit whats left of the nut. Spend best part of an hour filing two new flats onto the nut, use adjustable spanner, eventually get it moving after slipping three times and taking all the skin off your knuckles. In your elation at finally moving it, completely forget to put the oil tray under the sump and cover garage floor in oil. Go out to buy new sump plug only to find the shop is shut so you cant finish the job until tomorrow.
Step 2. Promise yourself next time you'll take it to a proper garage, but forget this by the time the next oil change is due and repeat above process.
01 February 2006, 05:15 PM
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Oh dont talk to me about sump plugs!! (vague hayes manual reference)
Citreon ax, couldnt get the sump nut off for my life, made a 4 foot long spanner out of tubing, sump started to bend, so gave up and had to remove the sump, managed not to cover myself in oil, emptied sump turned it over and clamped it in my garden gate (page 44 illistration 14.2 in hayes manual) and the damn nut came off instantly with no real force applied, Git!
Simon
Citreon ax, couldnt get the sump nut off for my life, made a 4 foot long spanner out of tubing, sump started to bend, so gave up and had to remove the sump, managed not to cover myself in oil, emptied sump turned it over and clamped it in my garden gate (page 44 illistration 14.2 in hayes manual) and the damn nut came off instantly with no real force applied, Git!
Simon
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