A joke - we need cheering up
28 May 2013, 06:52 PM
#1
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A joke - we need cheering up
A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.
While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't."
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell sanitary towels."
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't."
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell sanitary towels."
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
28 May 2013, 10:35 PM
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28 May 2013, 10:45 PM
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28 May 2013, 11:08 PM
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An unemployed guy see job ad "super salesman job for superstore that sells everything available no experience 3 day training supplied" says feek it I will go for it. First day on job get hands on with other super salesman. First customer comes in. I would like a packet of fast grow hedge seed please ... suppose you will want a hedge trimmer with them ... guy says why the feek why.. You will plant them 2 weeks they will need trimming.... save you a journey buy the trimmers now..... The trainee is in awwww customer says yes I will have some hedge trimmers. Next customer comes in packet of fast grow grass seeds ... suppose you will want a lawnmower with them ... why so says customer? ...you will plant the seed 3 weeks they will need cutting you will need to mow them save you a journey.... customer says cheers mate throw in a flymo. The trainee is in awww. The super sales man see's he is got the pitch so next customer is his. A chap comes in some tampax for the wife ...trainee says suppose you will want a flymo with them........ Super salesman and customer say why the feek ? ............well you won’t be getting your hole at the weekend might as well cut the grass!
29 May 2013, 11:46 AM
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See how the media manage to twist things and suck people in? Several on this thread it would seem!
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29 May 2013, 01:55 PM
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Not exactly lies but the article puts the emphasis on the poppy and the Help for Heroes aspects whereas it could have been any pin badge or any bracelet. It's the pin and bracelet that is against the dress code not the fact it's a poppy or Help for Heroes. Standard food hygiene regulations.
See how the media manage to twist things and suck people in? Several on this thread it would seem!
See how the media manage to twist things and suck people in? Several on this thread it would seem!
29 May 2013, 02:45 PM
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What's absurd is that you and your type need to believe that something like this is all anti-British/anti military etc. so much you choose to lose all grip of logic and common sense. You are simply media fodder and making it all so easy for them.
Last edited by f1_fan; 29 May 2013 at 02:47 PM.
29 May 2013, 03:02 PM
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29 May 2013, 05:23 PM
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It is not absurd, it is just standard food hygiene regulations that you get in any job in any part of the food processing and supply chain. Google it if you can't take my word for it.
What's absurd is that you and your type need to believe that something like this is all anti-British/anti military etc. so much you choose to lose all grip of logic and common sense. You are simply media fodder and making it all so easy for them.
What's absurd is that you and your type need to believe that something like this is all anti-British/anti military etc. so much you choose to lose all grip of logic and common sense. You are simply media fodder and making it all so easy for them.
http://metro.co.uk/2013/05/28/morris...badge-3811264/
Remember the standard food hygiene regulations the next time you are served by a shop assistant or waiter sporting a watch, an earing or a wedding band or some other adornment and get them severely dealt with if that floats your boat.
What if they have a cold! 
You need to look at the big picture and be less paranoid.
29 May 2013, 06:06 PM
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29 May 2013, 06:12 PM
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Yes it is absurd.
http://metro.co.uk/2013/05/28/morris...badge-3811264/
Remember the standard food hygiene regulations the next time you are served by a shop assistant or waiter sporting a watch, an earing or a wedding band or some other adornment and get them severely dealt with if that floats your boat. What if they have a cold!
You need to look at the big picture and be less paranoid.
http://metro.co.uk/2013/05/28/morris...badge-3811264/
Remember the standard food hygiene regulations the next time you are served by a shop assistant or waiter sporting a watch, an earing or a wedding band or some other adornment and get them severely dealt with if that floats your boat.
What if they have a cold! You need to look at the big picture and be less paranoid.
Read the story you posted:
We currently ask that colleagues adhere to a company dress code which precludes bracelets and pins. However, we have reviewed these guidelines and colleagues working in non-fresh food preparation areas will now be permitted to wear a registered charity wristband.’
Originally Posted by The Press & Mouser's Fantasy World
We currently ask that colleagues adhere to a company dress code which precludes Help for Heros bracelets and Poppy pins or anything that supports our military for fear of upsetting other races and creeds. However, we have reviewed these guidelines and colleagues working in non-fresh food preparation areas will now be permitted to wear a registered charity wristband.’
It's a non story about an employee effectively being barred from wearing jewellery at work by the company's food hygiene regulations and the company relaxing the regulations to let him do so. The press and the employee in question have nicely spun it to be about Help for Heroes/Poppy appeal etc.and you have fallen for it!
Last edited by f1_fan; 29 May 2013 at 06:17 PM.
29 May 2013, 06:51 PM
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Me? LOL! You're the one who's paranoid you hypocrite. It was you getting all flustered because YOU thought it was all about banning Help for Heroes related attire etc.
Read the story you posted:
It does not say:
It's a non story about an employee effectively being barred from wearing jewellery at work by the company's food hygiene regulations and the company relaxing the regulations to let him do so. The press and the employee in question have nicely spun it to be about Help for Heroes/Poppy appeal etc.and you have fallen for it!
Read the story you posted:
It does not say:
It's a non story about an employee effectively being barred from wearing jewellery at work by the company's food hygiene regulations and the company relaxing the regulations to let him do so. The press and the employee in question have nicely spun it to be about Help for Heroes/Poppy appeal etc.and you have fallen for it!
29 May 2013, 07:12 PM
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29 May 2013, 08:33 PM
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A man takes the day off work and
Decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,
Ribbit 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't
See anyone.
Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the
Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from thecup.
He is shocked.
He says to the frog,
'Wow that's amazing..
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies,
'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?'
The man asks.
'Ribbit 3 wood.'
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one...
The man is befuddled and doesn'tknow
What to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the
Best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog,
'OK where to next?'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit Las Vegas ..
' They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says,
'OK frog, now What?'
The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks,
'What do you think I should Bet?'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit £3000, black 6.'
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
Figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table
The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the Hotel.
He sits the frog down and Says,
'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit Kiss Me.'
He figures why not,
Since after all the frog did for Him,
He deserves it..
With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
'And that,
your honour, is how the girl
ended up in my room.
Decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,
Ribbit 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't
See anyone.
Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the
Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from thecup.
He is shocked.
He says to the frog,
'Wow that's amazing..
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies,
'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?'
The man asks.
'Ribbit 3 wood.'
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one...
The man is befuddled and doesn'tknow
What to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the
Best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog,
'OK where to next?'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit Las Vegas ..
' They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says,
'OK frog, now What?'
The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table,
The man asks,
'What do you think I should Bet?'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit £3000, black 6.'
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
Figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table
The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the Hotel.
He sits the frog down and Says,
'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit Kiss Me.'
He figures why not,
Since after all the frog did for Him,
He deserves it..
With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
'And that,
your honour, is how the girl
ended up in my room.
29 May 2013, 09:03 PM
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I was watching TV when my Mrs sat down beside me, stroked my **** through my jeans and whispered, "Fancy a ****?"
I said, "You're after something..."
"No I'm not," she protested.
"Yes you are," I said. "You're after Match of the Day. Come back in an hour."
I said, "You're after something..."
"No I'm not," she protested.
"Yes you are," I said. "You're after Match of the Day. Come back in an hour."
30 May 2013, 05:35 PM
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FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
(A husband’s point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "fifty shades of grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
(A husband’s point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "fifty shades of grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
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