Graz

...is it unreasonable to expect them to be available to help when their daughter is about to have their second grandchild?

The missus is due at the end of the month and we need someone we can rely on to look after our two year old while things are happening. Preferably on call day and night though I realise this isn't always possible. The obvious choice would be her parents as they're just over an hours drive away and our boy is fairly happy to be with his Grandma. They've not said no or anything but they've decided to go on a walking holiday the week beforehand so were a bit stuck if things happen early. We have friends locally several of which have offered to help out but you'd really expect your family to be at the ready during such times Main reason they've decided to go when they have is they're both retired teachers but still do tutoring and stuff so easier to holiday outside of term time. Am I being unreasonable to expect them to be available whenever?

Unfortunately all our other family is quite a long way from us and my Mum doesn't drive. I sure it'll all work out but it's frustrating to have the uncertainty.

Peedee

iTrader: (4)

Personally mate, I think so, yes.

You cannot expect folk to just drop plans or cancel their own time because you require them too, especially elderly folk. Don't mean that in any harsh way mate!!

scoobynutta555

We had zero help from either sets of grandparents. One set close the other 100 miles away. Not just at the time of the birth of the second child, everytime after that.

Jay m A

iTrader: (2)

Do you think it unreasonable for a set of grandparents to think "I'm sure if it all happens when we're away the other set of doting grandparents could perhaps have something set in place to be nearby during our week away"

Or something like that

dpb

It's what they're for right, unless they're not physically fit or something.

No chance with mine, both emigrated to the sun/somewhere better when I was 20 and then 30

ReallyReallyGoodMeat

Typical teachers

jonc

I think yes you are being unreasonable to expect help from them. Expect nothing from anyone and you will not be disappointed with them.

^Qwerty^

Mine live about 500 yards away and they'll be lucky to see either of our kids more than 5 times a year. Sad really.
They don't seem to grasp that me and the Mrs are running around like blue **** flies 7 days a week, and it would be much better if they put in a little effort to come and see them rather than us having to take the kids around to see them. (they can drive and are quite mobile etc. etc.)

Eldest lad played rugby for a number of years and now sails, yet they have never come to see him do either. Youngest plays rugby, and now also sails, and still they don't come and see them.

Only last week, my Mrs collapsed and I had to go collect her from hospital, which meant sorting out cover for the youngest one who was asleep upstairs. The thought never even crossed my mind to ring my parents, instead I went and asked one of the neighbours.

So yes mate, I think you are expecting too much based on my experience, but I'm sure some people have parents who would bend over backwards to spend time with grandchildren etc.

EddScott

If it was my daughter having a child I would make sure I was available during the last month or so. Whether I was needed or not. A holiday can wait IMO.

I've been up against it badly this year - terminally ill wife, 11 year old to manage and keep happy, 6 month old to keep happy, fed and clean and moving house to accommodate wife plus working every day. I've had to ask for help and I've had a huge amount of help and support.

Having been on the receiving end of the **** stick if it was the other way around I'd put my things on hold for the sake of those around me.

Still, each to their own.

The Trooper 1815

iTrader: (31)

I have taken leave with the arrival of my grand children (only 3 of them). But it's because I care and my relationship with their parents is good. Me and the other half even did some "night shifts" for the newest as her mother had a sunroof job and was poorly.

Don't expect every parent to be the same.

Graz

It's in circumstances like that where you would hope that anybody would bend over backwards to help you out.

Our next door neighbour lost her husband suddenly to a brain haemorrhage, five kids & pregnant with the sixth (Catholics). Although we're not called on often we've always said if she needs us then call day or night. She's the one that's really coming through for us and says it's no problem if our lad needs looking after any time.

As for the Grandparents, seems like we're not doing too bad, they will be there for us provided baby arrives after the holiday but I won't be in too much of a hurry to rush to them for any old age related issues in future Actually her mum is pretty good, it's dad that's a bit obstinate and doesn't like changing his routine to suit others.

Graz

If my Dad were still alive then I'm sure they'd be up here with the motorhome and ready to help whenever but keeping their distance when they're not needed. They know my Mum's circumstances and that it's not easy for her to be here at a moments notice.

Dr.No

My parents helped us in exactly that way last year - I didn't think it was unreasonable for me to ask them and they loved coming to stay to look after our 2yr old.

They live about an hour's drive away, are both retired and whilst very active - playing golf and going out - were happy to be "on call" and to come to stay with us for a few days once we called them, day or night.

In the end, we called them at a reasonable hour - mid morning - they packed some bags and jumped in the car and came to stay with us, and were with us for about 3 days in total, until my wife and baby boy were able to leave hospital.

I think (believe / hope) that they enjoyed the dedicated one-on-one (or two-on-one anyway) time with their granddaughter and she certainly enjoyed having her Grandparents looking after her.

So - I obviously don't think it's unreasonable for your to ask them. Admittedly, we gave them plenty of notice of the due date - and if they'd said "Oh, we've booked a Carribean cruise during the week of xxxx" then I wouldn't have expected them to have cancelled it. As it was, they weren't doing much (nothing special) and were happy to help. We were VERY glad that they did!

DN

scoobyride

iTrader: (8)

My parents helped us in such time's. But we never expected! Why would we it was our choice to have children

CrisPDuk

One from the other perspective. Our two are into their mid twenties now, and MrsD can't wait to be a gran. I know for a fact she will drop everything to be around to help for any prospective births, and she definitely won't need asking

hodgy0_2

Unfortunately with families, it is open season on right and wrong

Should you expect - probably

Should they drop everything - probably

You will only know the answer when you are grandparents yourselves

After all how many of us see ourselves acting just like or parents - and say "oh gawd, did I just do that"

fergal69

It must be a teacher thing.

Both my parents were teachers & buggered off to Wales not long after I got married.

It was my parents-in-law that have done the brunt of help when my daughter was born 11 years ago, & they still do.

Mine haven't done anything to help at all.

jbl

There just isn't a 'correct' answer to this as every family is different and people have differing views about what they should/should not be expected to do.
I'm a Grandad and when daughter was expecting her 2nd at the turn of the year the wife made it very clear we 'were NOT having a winter sunshine holiday until after the event !' Daughter wanted her mum there at a home birth to look after first child (4 yrs old) and we said 'no problem, just call' . They are 40min drive away.
All was fine, early delivery, no problems, holiday soon after !!

Enjoy the new arrival !

Cheers
JBL

Turbohot

Spot on, Hodgy.

Jay m A

iTrader: (2)

Sorry to hear about your dad.

Assuming they do their general grandparent bit (babysitting, helping out, visiting etc) then you can't begrudge them their holiday really.

Having said that mid July isn't that far away for school hols and I'm sure exam tutoring stops way before then... its not too far away I see your point.

If you want all bases covered to relieve the worry, could your mum come and stay with you during that week (or if that causes more stress stay nearby)?

specialx

My folks were just like the op's although they used to come and look after my youngest once a fortnight (not as a favor for us just to spend some time with him and in their minds save us a day of nursery fees) the only problem was we were made to feel like it was a burden that they had to come to save us money! They would put bargin hunt on the TV and moan that he just falls asleep, then we were stuck with a jet lagged child that wouldn't go to sleep at normal time, Cheers mum!! We put a stop to it a put our boy into nursery for an extra day, now they are falling over themselves to help out, funny that!


Yes it's annoying that they would rather drive to a market town buy some Babour sweaters and compare Jaguars but I can see where they are coming from my problem is that they are only little for a short while and in a few years my kids wont want anything to do with em!

Leslie

You don't have a right to expect them to help in any way,but it is really surprising that they have engineered it so that they will be unavailable to help you out.

They must have known about the date the child is due and I would certainly have expected them to make sure that they were around when you needed them.

Les