I didn't really want to bother you all with this but I just need an outlet.
I hope you don't mind.

As some of you know, my Dad suffered a head injury back in 1999. This caused temporal lobe damage. After this he did suffer from 'Petit Mal' mini strokes but this wasn't diagnosed until after he had a life altering stroke in 2005. This was followed by another in 2006.

Since then he has been in a nursing home as his needs are quite substantial.

He couldn't form complete sentences after the strokes but he could utter words, answer basic questions and understood a lot of what was going on. He is also epileptic and in a wheel chair.

Since Christmas, he hasn't been himself. He was rushed to hospital last Tuesday because he had severe head pain. Since the CT scan results came back, we now know that the damage to his brain (which was already substantial) has got worse in the last 3 years. It appears he has suffered multiple strokes and due to one appearing at the back of the brain, it would now seem that he is now blind.

He has been put on the 'Do Not Resuscitate' plan at the hospital on recommendation by the doctors. As hard as it is, I have to agree with them. He is still in a lot of pain which can only be controlled by morphine and we have been told to prepare for the worst.

It is just so hard to see him like this. His brain is basically dying and there is nothing that anyone can do.

Sorry for the outburst but I have been told that it will help to talk about it.

It is unspeakably heart wrenching watching a loved one having to endure such pain and suffering. The only thing you can do is be there for him and one another. Keep in there.

I iknow we don't get on, but that is pretty much the way my Mum went over the 6 years from 2005 to 2011.

It is a cliche, but I do think it is harder for those close to them than for the person themselves in some ways.

The last 3 months in 2011 were awful and although I was sad I was also relieved when my mother finally passed away in September as she had no quality of life and very little dignity left to boot.

All I can say is talk to those close to you about it, don't keep it bottled up and remember all the good times you had with him in the past.... that is what got me through it and in some ways I am still getting through it.

sorry to hear this buddy. know how you feel as we lost our mom 5 years now and we lost dad 14 months ago. dad was in a home as hed lost a leg and very infirm.although very sad at losing them both, it was comforting to me to know that their suffering was over . i know your dads still with you (and may he be with you and yours for a long time to come).but thought a few words may help

I'm so sorry
We've had family members with terminal illnesses and the last days/ weeks are the hardest because you feel like you are basically waiting for them to die, you then feel guilty for wanting an end to it because it sounds like you want them to pass away which of course you don't...it's a very stressful situation to be in.

I hope your dad can be kept pain free at least, poor man sounds like he's really been through it.

Sorry to hear about this mate, I'm not good at this sort of thing but if you need anyone to talk to drop me a PM

Sorry to hear about your Mum Chris.
You just feel so helpless don't you.

It was nice seeing our little boy Charlie, bond with his grandad over the last year. Whenever we visited him, Charlie was all he would focus on.
He has even been pushing the wheel chair as of late.

We have always been expecting a phone call since 2005 to be honest, but to see him suffer like this is the hardest thing I have ever had to witness.

Totally feel for you Chris, it's indescribably hard. Focus on your whole family and let it out when you need to. Pop in here and call me a few names if it helps

Seriously though talking about it with anyone helps, it really does! Some people won't understand why you posted this in here, but I do.

I am very sorry to hear about your Dad, its a difficult situation for you as well. I can only say that I hope his pain goes away and things become easier for him.

Les

I cannot say I really know you Gearhead but I am sorry to hear about your Dad. Cherish those moments with yourself Your Dad and your son, that you have left. And all the best for the future.

Sorry to hear about your father bud

My granch suffered from a series of strokes and was a real hard time for our family, he had always been a strong figure in the family and was not nice to see him left in that state after them, he was a shadow of himself, we had to have carers come to the house as he refused to go to a specialist home who could caer further for his needs, he was so proud and would not let the home team carry out there job as it should have been, which resulted in my nan bearing the majority of the load, and it was hard work for her, he was 6"4 and both of them in there 70's so was real hard on my nan.

Then whilst my dad was away in Singapore somehere on a cuise he took a turn for the worst, which was horrible as I had to support the family and try to keep strong for the rest of them whilst my dad was away as I am the eldest, I had to sit with my nan and make the horrible decision of DNR also, we did not want him in pain, we where just praying my dad would make it back in time! They had to wait until the ship docked at the next city then make 4 flights to get back, and the day they returned and I got him to the hospital he passed away shortly afterwards, we firmly beleive he held on for my dad to get back before throwing in the towel

I know how your feeling fella and words often dont come close to describe the pain it can cause , its a hard thing to take onboard, I work in the health sector but it still did not make it any easier on me or the family, but when he passed away it was a slight relief for all the family as we did not want him to be living in pain and suffering like that, he had chest infection one after another, he lost his speech and most movement, his dignity had just disappeared and knowing what a strong man he was, it was horrible seeing him that way, keep your friends and family close at times like these and don't be afraid to talk about how your feeling, maybe not on here but with your family etc, try to keep strong and remember all the good times, don't focus too much on his illness as that's not the way you would want to remember him, and neither would your dad all you can do is be there for him and give him the love and support he needs deserves at such a harsh time, he may be suffering but remeber the family will be also, and there is nothing wrong with admitting that, tears are a way of grieving and to console the soul, I hope he does not suffer bud, and the same goes to you and your family.

Even though I've got a thread on the go with ill family members, when its someone else I never really know what to write. All I can say is my thoughts are with you and I hope things get easier over time.

I'm not great at knowing what to say either, but echo other comments in this thread. My thoughts are with you and your family, and feel absolutely free to come here and let it out whenever you want. When my Mam was diagnosed with breast cancer, it really helped speaking to people here. Take care.

my mum died when i was 17 and it was absolutely devastating so i really feel for ya pal. try to keep your chin up bud :-)

Life is so unfair, not sometimes, but all the time. Your dad didn't ask for this in dignified end, and it's so sad to watch the undoing of such a once great person.
I can't say anything which will make it any better for you, all of you who are suffering or have suffered loss, but my heart truly goes out to you.
My mum has COPD, a lung issue caused by smoking and will suffer an I dignified end, more via the breathlessness and pressure on the heart from it. I just hope she doesn't suffer too much, it's horrible to see.
Once again, my thoughts are with you, be strong.

Hi Gear Head,

Spend as much time as you possibly can with your dad now. Keep hold of photos / voicemail / emails etc. it's a comfort to me to occasionally listen to my mums voicemails, read her letters / emails. It WILL be tough once he goes but you WILL get through it. I did detach from the real world for about a year after my mum passed away but now, 16 years later, I only feel great warmth and love when I think about her. The pain has gone.

My thoughts are with you and your family

Very sad, it must be a distressing time. It definitely helps talking to people or write what you're going through on ScoobyNet.

All the best.

horrible times, been through very similar experience, so so so traumatic. its the down side of life.
thoughts with you and family, im glad people can feel happy to post threads of this nature - it shows some sort of faith in this community. and its not like that everywhere you go unfortunately.
it shows beneath all the bickering and petty squabbling, which we all love - that those shallow things fade away into insignificance when its appropriate to do so.

A big positive is that your father saw you married and saw his grandson. Little Charlie has also got to know his grandad even if just for a short while. You'll have all the stories to tell him when he's older (19 months currently IIRC?) and you have a wonderful wife to support you too, Chris.

Here or Bookface, send me a message any time mate, you know that

Take care.

Thanks you to everyone for the kind and supportive words.

We are going through this at the moment with the mother in law
She had a stroke 18 months ago and has had no quality of life 75 is a good age in the phillipines she has just gone into hospital now and is surviving on oxygen so the brother in law is flying out from America this weekend and my misses is flying out for a month next week
I'm sure the mother in law is hanging on to her children get to the other Side of the world to be with her
Not easy for the family at this diffulcult time

My thoughts are with you Gear head as the misses was in a really bad way when she saw a photograph on new years day of her a former shadow of herself

My father passed away just over two years ago, he went through the do not resuscitate.

I could not be there at the end as i was out of the country, and to be honest i'm glad i wasn't, some may think thats selfish and i have felt guilty about it, but over time i realised it was for the best, i also had a closed casket and told those that wanted to see him to go to the funeral home before, i prefer to remember him as he was.

The best advice i can give is let it out, i have since discovered i don't like being around people at such moments, prefering to sort my own thoughts in my head and deal with it alone, because there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better, so i would rather not hear it, but i am quite mentally strong.

Try and keep as much normality as possible in your life, this helped me, i don't think it ever goes away and i don't want it to, he lives on with me in my thoughts.

It's a difficult time and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it.

I'm sad and happy at the same time wrighting this as it does come back to the surface on threads like these, but i too took comfort in my father bonding with my son in the last year of his life as he was living with me, it's things like that that i look back on now and it makes me happy not sad like when i started this post.

Just remember the good times.

Sorry to hear that fella.

I know what you mean about how a person can change though.

My old man had to have some reconstructive surgery a few ago to remove some basal cell carcinomas on the side of his face.
So when you combine that with the strokes, my Dad is a shadow of the powerful man that he used to be.

Again, thank you to everyone for your support. It really shows what this site is all about.

Dad had a better day yesterday. He has been prescribed opiate pain relief for the time being. The doctor initially said that he would be in hospital for at least 3-4 weeks. Now another doctor yesterday said the opposite in that there isn't much they can do for him so as soon as he has had an MRI scan, he will be sent back to the nursing home.

I'm sorry to hear that your father is so ill. It seems as though he is getting good care.
When I lost my Dad the one thing that brought me great comfort was that I told him I loved him. I'm not a very demonstrative person and as a man I did find this difficult, but knowing that he knew how much I loved and cared for him was a blessing for me.
Are they still providing food and drink as well as pain relief?
I'm pleased to hear that he seems a little better. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Yes, but what a lot of the hospital staff don't seem to realise is the fact that he is almost blind.
A couple of times now I have been there when a nurse has come in and put a beaker of tea on his bedside table and walked off! Only when I ask how is he supposed to drink it does someone come in and help give it to him. I obviously help and have been doing so for the last 7 years, but it is worrying when I am not around.
When he was first admitted last Tuesday, he was nil by mouth until they had taken a chest xray, to make sure there was no blockage. From Thursday he has been on soft food, but even that is difficult.

Going in again tonight.

I wish all the best in what sounds like a very difficult situation for you, your father and the family. Positive thoughts go out to you, GH.

My best wishes to you both.

It might well be worth making enquiries to find out whether the nurses actually understand what the patients under their care are suffering from or can't they be bothered to find out?

Sounds like they are a bit on the selfish side to me.

Les

The staff seemed on the ball last night when I saw him, so that is one weight of our minds. Small world but I recognized one of the nurses there and in transpired that she was friends with some girls in my old class at school. The same girls used to love my Dad as he always played taxi service on our 'disco' nights. It didn't matter what time or where it was, he was always there just make sure all the kids got home safe

Plus MRI results are due back today so at least we know what we are dealing with.
The pain also seems under control now and I was able to have a small conversation with him.

dont know what to say, its awful

chin up mate.