The Electric Fence
24 January 2012, 05:59 AM
#1
Scooby Regular
Thread Starter
The Electric Fence
The Electric Fence...
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and
ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove
it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more
you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp
big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I
knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around
the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my
right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture
of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my ***** trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton
rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were
fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time.
I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels
emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix
kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all
leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It
seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close
together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8
grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I
can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric
fences.....but Dad always had those POS chargers made by
International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam
in it. Covered in poop, pee, semen, and with my ***** on my chest I
think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it
settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore
roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's
right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not
take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe
in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was
beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was
sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I
was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a
seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the
wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously!
I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or
something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My ***** are still smaller than average yet they are almost a
foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check
to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence,
I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and
THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before I mow.
If you aren't laughing, you're dead!
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and
ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove
it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more
you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp
big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I
knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around
the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my
right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture
of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my ***** trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton
rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were
fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time.
I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels
emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix
kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all
leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It
seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close
together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8
grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I
can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric
fences.....but Dad always had those POS chargers made by
International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam
in it. Covered in poop, pee, semen, and with my ***** on my chest I
think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it
settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore
roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's
right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not
take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe
in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was
beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was
sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I
was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a
seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the
wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously!
I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or
something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My ***** are still smaller than average yet they are almost a
foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check
to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence,
I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and
THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before I mow.
If you aren't laughing, you're dead!
24 January 2012, 01:12 PM
#2
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Firstly, had you really unplugged the electric fence suppy, and if so why were you getting the shocks?
Secondly I think a burglar might have a case against you if he got zapped like that in this topsy turvy country of ours where the criminal is better protected than his victim.
Les
Secondly I think a burglar might have a case against you if he got zapped like that in this topsy turvy country of ours where the criminal is better protected than his victim.
Les
24 January 2012, 01:24 PM
#4
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Firstly, had you really unplugged the electric fence suppy, and if so why were you getting the shocks?
Secondly I think a burglar might have a case against you if he got zapped like that in this topsy turvy country of ours where the criminal is better protected than his victim.
Les
Secondly I think a burglar might have a case against you if he got zapped like that in this topsy turvy country of ours where the criminal is better protected than his victim.
Les
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