jods

I start work at 0730 most days (sometimes earlier) and work thru to 1830 most days (sometimes later) Take a break around 1200 before the 'Murcans come online at 1300. Don't get me wrong - I love my job but I am finding it really hard to wind down and I DO find myself getting wound up by a stroppy 19 yr old stepkid who seems to think that she is owed everything on a plate.

Things blew up a little bit the other day.

Despite my reservations - Mother and daughter have joined forces and worked on me to fund (Jointly with Mother) a complete refit of three of the bedrooms upstairs - sell the beds / sofabeds / mirrors & other bits and pieces in order to get a double bed put in for said stepdaughter, create a study and gym upstairs etc etc etc. I was worn out and worn down and it is going ahead.

Despite long hours of fairly intensive work each day I did manage to take photographs of all the main items plus approx 50 smaller things (Computer games / travel cage for dog / Mirrors ....) and get them ready for e-Baying.

I needed to move a bed downstairs on Sunday for pickup. The landing had a binliner full of books blocking the way so I opened her bedroom door to push the bag out of the way to let me have a route to get the bed (Single) x 2 (Guest bed - one folds up under the other)

Step-D sees me do this and this is what ensued:

SD "Don't Fvcking put that in my room"
ME "I need to move it out of the way so I can get the bed downstairs"
SD "Well it makes more sense for you to move the bag downstairs first"
ME " It is way too heavy - I'll move the bed first"
SD "NO Don't Fvcking put it in my room"
ME "Listen to me little girl, If you talk to me like that again I'll slap you into next fvcking week"
SD "Ooooh come on then you CVNT, I'll have the cops on you"

So

What did I do?

a) Say "Sorry, I'll move the bag downstairs for you and the bed and pay for all the changes you want"
b) Give her a clip around the ear and tell her she can fvcking swing for the upgrade
c) Go down the pub and have a couple of pints

Multiple choice allowed.

What would you have done.

So much invested here - But tbh I'm seriously minded to cut and run.

Trout

iTrader: (1)

The usual Scoobynet answer of 'is she fit' would seem inappropriate here, especially if she isn't.

Sounds like you need family counselling.

As you say, you have a lot invested - it must be worth investing just a little more to see if you can reap the reward?

jods

Well - I wouldn't have said she was fit - I've brought her up since 4 yrs old and It'd be sorta unnatural to think she WAS fit surely?

She's not a swampdonkey by any means - just has a penchant for really winding me (and her mother up)

I've stopped funding her iPhone and after this weekend (and tonight) have told her that she is going to have to fund her own sky+ herself - How harsh is THAT!!!!!

The Rig

iTrader: (13)

Hmm,from reading that, i presumed you were new to the relationship hence the bad attitude from the 19 yr old.

then reading you brought her up from the age of 4 i am shocked she/you let her speak to you this way

Have you been allowed to bring her up with permission from her mum as your own ? (discipline etc) or has it always been your not my dad yadda yadda ?

if i were spoken to like that by my own 2 (have another 10 yrs to go luckily) i would of chosen B then C

stedee

iTrader: (4)

i thought i had it bad - lol.

there`s a guy at work who does overtime on saturday and sunday, 12hours each day, he has been doing this for about 6 months almost continuous. he is 58 but look about 98, poor sod does look ill ( skin is a pale shade of grey and makes me look fat), i am thin btw lol.
anyway i found out hes doing this to pay for his one daughters tit job , lol and now the other one wants a tummy tuck.
we all ask him if he gets to feel them lol

markjmd

iTrader: (11)

+1 to that. Is this kind of back-chat a recent habit she's developed, or has she been getting away with it the whole time she's been a teenager?

Lisawrx

iTrader: (1)

I seem to remember you have been here before with her attitude. It's a disgrace and to be totally honest I think you need to be having words with your other half about it. Even if you were a little short with her, there is no real excuse for her manner back. In all my 29 years so far, and I've argued with parents, I would never have spoken to either like that and still wouldn't. I think she really needs to learn a bit respect and appreciation.

I honestly don't know how kids turn out this way.

But in answer to the question...B then C. (well, without the clip possibly, I wouldn't want to see you get into trouble )

jods

Unfortunately it has always been a case of - She's my daughter, let me handle it (although - IMHO, not very well on most occasions) and then later it was "You're not my Dad, you can't tell me what to do"

It's not been all bad - If it had I would have been out of here like a Bat out of hell (is "Hell" an allowed term nowadays?)

Mum used to be WAY TOO SOFT and I was apparently far too strict.
Mum has become less soft with her daughter as the behaviour escalated.


Just so you know - I did exactly what you predicted B then C
I clipped her round the ear - ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE - Both Mother and daughter went Tonto.

I went to the pub - Had precisely 2 pints - Blew £20 in a fruitmachine, just staring at the reels, not really seeing anything, just thinking to myself:

Stay or go, stay or go?

It's now Tuesday.

I'm still mulling it over.

If I go - Would I get 1/2 the value of the UK property? - that would force a sale - not favoured option.

I should get ALL the money left in the business as I am sole owner - although the wife is still listed as non shareholder director.

What I can say is that the will I have written at the moment leaves every red cent to the step daughter.

That is going to change.

CrisPDuk

blimey jods, you put my issues into perspective.

Inthe beginning of our relationship, MrsD was actually the cause of most of the issues with my two stepkids, because on the one hand she would tell me that any issues I had with them I should resolve with them, then on the other, whenever I did just that, she'd stick her oar in telling me I was doing it wrong

She even once said to me 'you can't comment, you don't have kids!' I walked away at that point, but she realised she'd gone to far and we sorted things out

All credit to the kids though, despite some proper stand up arguments in their teenage years (especially with the daughter), neither one of them has ever said 'you're not my Dad'

On the other side of the coin, when she was younger, my sister was an absolute ****, and used to behave exactly as the OP's stepdaughter is doing, and Mum & Dad are definitely both our natural parents
I think all girls are deeply unpleasant to be around during their teenage years, apparently one or two of them even grow out of it

jods

Cheers Crispy

It's nearly 2AM and the blood pressure has gone down, my ears aren't ringing - I think I can now hit the hay.

Will keep you all posted - thanks to those people offering advice

Mark

chocolate_o_brian

iTrader: (22)

Can't offer any advice as my son is only 6 months old and I'm on auto pilot at 5.30am but subscribed as this looks an interesting thread.

Best of luck.

kingofturds

iTrader: (1)

sounds like she has been spoiled rotten and needs to be introduced to the real world.

RobsyUK

iTrader: (2)

Id speak to her mother.. Then if the mum takes her side your stuffed...

DCI Gene Hunt

They're showing no respect, none.... ignore the SD and sit down with the Mother, if she doesn't see the light then I'm afraid you're best off out of it.... as it'll likely just get worse, and worse, and worse....

gpssti4

iTrader: (6)

Kick her out. No discussion, just tell her she has gone too far and you'll give her a week to get out.

My step son is 20 now and I had similar issues, he now lives elsewhere. He had enough chances but after leaving of his own accord on three occassions and coming back, even when he said he wouldn't, I'd had enough and said that he couldn't live with us anymore. My wife is still unhappy about it, but I was starting to feel a stranger in my own house.

Be careful about 'hitting' - if it really goes ****-up and you have a record for that, you'll end up the looser. Good luck.

DCI Gene Hunt

Also, and for clarity, I'm posting a scaling tool to help readers assess the whole "swamp-donkey" issue that was mentioned previously:

Example A - Swamp Donkey



Example B - What Most SNetters are Imagining



The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

TinyTim

iTrader: (3)

And there's your problem, she's spoilt.

davyboy

To be honest, teenage girls can be pretty horrible. I'm step dad to a 12 year old and she can be lovely and horrible at the flick of a switch.

I've also heard from other family and friends that their own teenage daughters can be pretty nasty. I'm rather glad my new child is a boy!

alcazar

iTrader: (2)

TBH, I HATE threads like this, as I can't see it leading anywhere happy.

You are tired, she is full of hormones and female.

Yesterday was my best mate's funeral, at only 60. It puts it all in perspective.

DO NOT do, or say ANYTHING you will later look back on with regret. If necesssary, bite your tongue and leave the nastiness to her.

CREWJ

Same as most others I think. She is very spoilt.

I hope you get it sorted

oldsplice

Do this ^^^^^.

SJ_Skyline

Jods,

It's certainly not my place to tell you what to do, only you can make that decision. Just take your time and be happy with the decision you make.

All the best

Simon K

Mmmm difficult situation. I have a friend in a very similar one to you, his wife has 3 previous kids, the eldest son gives him hell, in a house that my friend owns, pays for and looks after. Wife never seems to support him / back him, and slowly this constant arguing, problems is building up and I can see them parting.

Like I said to him, you only have one life, and when the pain of being together out weighs the pain of being apart, then you need to really sit down and work out what you want. Doing the maths, you've been there atleast 15 years, so you cant really say it will change / get better.

Do you have any kids of your own with this lady ?? If not, then you need to sit down with your lady, tell her straight, support me or loose me. If this doesnt work, then I would go. Too hell with that situation.

SBK

Jamz3k

19? old enough to bleed, breed and earn. Get her out to ****!

alcazar

iTrader: (2)

LOL at the above.

My two are 25 and 22, the youngest doing his final year at Hull studying chemistry, so not here much.

The eldest here. He earns a decent wage, but is continually broke. However he is still paying off debts from being a year out of work

I can only be certain of either of them being nice to me when they want/need something from me, money, help, etc.

The rest of the time I expect to be spoken to like rubbish. I just get on with my life......so long as I am happy with myself, it's up to them. THEY will have to live with it when I'm NOT here any longer. THEY are storing up grief for themselves, I am not going to.
My wife says I'm too easy on them: when they need any kind of help, my first word is usually, "When?"

She, on the other hand, does occasionally lash out, and then regrets it later.
What good does it do? NONE! it just leaves both parties resenting each other for a while, and then, usually, regretting their actions. And anyone caught up in the middle feels like ****, especially if they love both parties


Count ten, walk away, just take it. Best way. YOU live YOUR life the way you KNOW is RIGHT. Forget the others.

Leslie

There are times when you just have to say "No" very positively and never ever change your mind.

She has to learn that you say what's what and if she does not like it she just has to accept it.

The sort of shameful language she uses should not be tolerated and use of that should result in some kind of punishment by witholding what she wants or similar. Don't ever do what she orders under any circumstances. There is no justification for her behaviour.

Les

[-(o)-]

iTrader: (1)

I've 2 step daughters who on the whole are good but as with any teenage girls both have their moments. Being seen to be consistent is important, including unity between you and your other half. On your own part, you're her male role model.

Personally I think you've created the situation here. Kids will mouth off because they don't think first or its how they behave with friends. Your job as the adult is to keep the moral authority - threats or swearing on your part will only ever be counter productive - and assert that you don't tolerate this behaviour. Any weakness and she will exploit it to the full.

She might be 19, but she is still a kid (her behaviour shows that). Do you get much chance to show an interest in her life/that you care? I know it isn't easy, possibly harder - particularly with girls - but any relationship is two way.

And definitely don't walk away - what sort of example would that set?

billythekid

Feel for you buddy.

My life is similar, work for 12 hours, get home, get a lesson in "things I did wrong again" from the wife, whilst she has been sat at home all day. I.e I did not hang the washing up right, I did not fill the dishwasher in the correct order.. I left my shoes on the mat etc etc.

Once that little lesson is done, its time to make dinner. After dinner clean up whilst the wife has a glass of wine. Then feed the dogs. Then clean the dog sh&t up. Then walk the dogs.

If there is time, and its not much past 9pm then I might be presented with a list of things to do, like empty the bin, hang more washing up etc.. "now you know how too"...

Then its "me" time, which is from about 950pm till about 10pm, at which point I get the following from the wife "get off that computer, you will be late for work tomorrow if you dont"...

Then, into bed for 10 ish, and back up at 6. Repeat on loop for the rest of my days.

CrisPDuk

So why are you still there exactly

Terminator X

iTrader: (7)

Why even get in to that conversation? Just carry on & do what you wanted to do without asking ...

TX.

PS. Bold bit does seem a tad unnecesary seeing as you are the adult.

PPS. I do like the consequences bit though, which is v important when dealing with kids of any age.