JPL

Enjoy

Just got back from my mates funeral... he died when he got hit in the head with a tennis ball...
It was a lovely service.


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.


My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said you're obviously not listening.


I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking?
I replied it's me talking to the beer.


My wife has been missing for a week now. The Police said I should prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.
As we lay there making love, I thought "These Taser guns are well worth the money"


I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife.
"Get your lips off my wife," I snapped pulling him off her.
"But sir, I'm not kissing her!" He pleaded. "She's stopped breathing."

"Do I need to repeat myself?" I replied.


An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol and tobacco abuse, staying out late, and the effects they have on the human body,

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Trout

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