underwear problems
21 July 2011, 08:08 PM
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underwear problems
A girl came up to me in a bar - short skirt, **** like ripe fruit, hair in a pony tail.
"What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?" she breathed.
"I'd say 'neither am I'."
She raised her eyebrows. "Really? I'm wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips, "easy access..."
"Oh?" I replied. "I've got none on because I shat myself in the gents."
"What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?" she breathed.
"I'd say 'neither am I'."
She raised her eyebrows. "Really? I'm wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips, "easy access..."
"Oh?" I replied. "I've got none on because I shat myself in the gents."
21 July 2011, 08:11 PM
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I'm still angry at my parents for not buying me expensive rollerblades.
Cheapskates.
Glass coffins, will they catch on?
Remains to be seen.
Cheapskates.
Glass coffins, will they catch on?
Remains to be seen.
Last edited by bigsinky; 21 July 2011 at 08:17 PM.
21 July 2011, 08:19 PM
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A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family,
But that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand.'
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family,
But that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand.'
21 July 2011, 08:21 PM
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A man and his wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The man picks up a case of Carling and puts it in their trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them!" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in her basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
The man retorts: "So does 24 cans of Carling, and it's half the price."
The man picks up a case of Carling and puts it in their trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them!" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in her basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
The man retorts: "So does 24 cans of Carling, and it's half the price."
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21 July 2011, 08:56 PM
#9
A man and his wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The man picks up a case of Carling and puts it in their trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them!" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in her basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
The man retorts: "So does 24 cans of Carling, and it's half the price."
The man picks up a case of Carling and puts it in their trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them!" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in her basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
The man retorts: "So does 24 cans of Carling, and it's half the price."
21 July 2011, 09:06 PM
#10
A man and his wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The man picks up a case of Carling and puts it in their trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them!" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in her basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
The man retorts: "So does 24 cans of Carling, and it's half the price."
The man picks up a case of Carling and puts it in their trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them!" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in her basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
The man retorts: "So does 24 cans of Carling, and it's half the price."
21 July 2011, 09:17 PM
#11
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21 July 2011, 11:28 PM
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Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished, then I finished off a bottle of vodka, a butle of Baileys, a buttel of wum, a pok of pwimglez, a 1/2 chscke, and a barrr of choklt. Youu hve no idr how bludy fablus I feeel. Plsae snde thsi on to dem yiu feel aer in ned of inr ****.
22 July 2011, 12:04 AM
#19
I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"
"Miaow!"
"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"
"Woof woof!"
"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"
"David, if you even think about going out to that ****ing pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"
That's my boy.
"Miaow!"
"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"
"Woof woof!"
"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"
"David, if you even think about going out to that ****ing pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"
That's my boy.
22 July 2011, 01:15 AM
#22
Little boy walks into his parents bedroom as his dad is ball deep in his mum doggy style, the dad laughs and flings a pillow at him and tells him to get out!
A couple of days later the dad hears a scream up stairs and runs up stairs to find the young boy ******** his gran from behind and the boy turns to the dad and says, not so funny when its your mum is it?
A couple of days later the dad hears a scream up stairs and runs up stairs to find the young boy ******** his gran from behind and the boy turns to the dad and says, not so funny when its your mum is it?
22 July 2011, 10:46 AM
#25
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A woman was in the bath when the doorbell rang, so she got out, put on a bathrobe and went to answer the door.
At the door was her husband's golf partner, Jim.
"I'm afraid my husband's not in" she said.
"Oh well!", said Jim, "Say, you look very nice in that robe. How about giving me a quick flash?"
"No!", cried the woman, "What would my husband say?"
"Oh go on!", pleaded Jim, "Just a quick flash and I'll give you 50, no, 100 quid"
The woman is tempted, but still refuses.
"Ok, Ok, my final offer. Flash me for 10 seconds and I'll give you 200 quid"
The woman thinks about it, nods, opens her robe for 10 seconds and closes it quickly.
Jim smiles and hands over £200 in cash, before walking off whistling.
Later that evening, the husband asks "Did Jim call round for me earlier?"
"Erm, yes.", replied the wife nervously.
"Oh good - did he give you that £200 he owes me?"
I wonder if all those Muslims in the mosque ever realise how vulnerable they are to a savage bumming?
At the door was her husband's golf partner, Jim.
"I'm afraid my husband's not in" she said.
"Oh well!", said Jim, "Say, you look very nice in that robe. How about giving me a quick flash?"
"No!", cried the woman, "What would my husband say?"
"Oh go on!", pleaded Jim, "Just a quick flash and I'll give you 50, no, 100 quid"
The woman is tempted, but still refuses.
"Ok, Ok, my final offer. Flash me for 10 seconds and I'll give you 200 quid"
The woman thinks about it, nods, opens her robe for 10 seconds and closes it quickly.
Jim smiles and hands over £200 in cash, before walking off whistling.
Later that evening, the husband asks "Did Jim call round for me earlier?"
"Erm, yes.", replied the wife nervously.
"Oh good - did he give you that £200 he owes me?"
I wonder if all those Muslims in the mosque ever realise how vulnerable they are to a savage bumming?
22 July 2011, 12:38 PM
#27
After nearly breaking my neck on a pair of bright pink roller-skates on the stairs, I shouted at my son, "Are these yours?!"
He said, "Well, obviously they're not mine."
"Oh yeah, of course they aren't," I replied. Then laughed at him in his little wheelchair.
He said, "Well, obviously they're not mine."
"Oh yeah, of course they aren't," I replied. Then laughed at him in his little wheelchair.
