alloy

Right, where to start....my business partner has a young family with his girlfriend, however he is a bit of a heart breaker and loves the female attention. This has got him into a bit of bother as his missus has found out he took a girl away with him on business at the start of the year, a few weeks after their second kid was born. Now he now knows you reap what you sow and the deterioration in their relationship has continued although they both still love each other, his missus clearly cannot bare to look at him (he very much knows he was/is in the wrong for doing his actions and he is exceptionally apologetic and humbled)....so much so that she wants to move back to where she originates from so she can be with the kids and have the support from her family, he is willing to buy her a home to do so if that is what she wants. She however still loves him and he is constantly receiving messages asking why he has done this to her and their girls etc etc

However she went to stay with her sister last week and she came "home" to him this weekend. He noticed she has cuts and scratches on her arms and suspects she is self-harming.....he is obviously very worried by this and again feels more shameful for his irresponsible and selfish actions....having noticed the stress now seemingly materialising into physical harm he is lost as to how to broach the subject and try to help her heal mentally so she can continue to be the good mother to their kids....I’ve just sent him out to clear his head so when he goes home he can be as supportive as possible, yet i have no experience nor do any of his close friends with situations like this, so his guidance as to the right course of action and procedure is none existent...

Has anyone had to deal with a situation similar to his predicament with his missus self-harming? How did you go about getting the person back on the right path?

Ant

Get them help

alloy

thanks much appreciated....kind of what this thread is about where he should go to find the help!!!

Ant

I would look at a psychologist to help, also relationship counselling to make them both at ease with the situation.

When it comes to serious issues like self harming it needs to be acted on asap.

johned

Maybe they should see their GP to start with?.

SHUGSTERC

google self harm help..explains a bit about it and has a helpline

Doobs Scoob

iTrader: (2)

Surely reporting this could get her sectioned and with kids involved I would say not a great idea. I may be very wrong about that though!

David Lock

I haven't a clue but these people might?

http://www.nshn.co.uk/

dl

EddScott

One would imagine that this is a result of the break down of the relationship - obviously. But having been away with her sister, it may be that they've been thrashing out all the issues and the girl has hurt herself as part of the process - self punishment.

Similar to if a bloke punches himself on the side of the head hard enough to hurt - anger, frustration, humiliation etc etc

To me, I would think it was more of a one off rather than the forming of a habit.

Hope it works out for them anyway.

Ant

I'm sorry I disagree , going to cut/scratch yourself is different to punching a wall (I say wall as I've never felt the need to punch myself)

And to disregard it as a one off can end up in a bad way.

alloy

Thansk for some of your help, hes having a look into some of the routes you have mentioned. He also shares Doobs Scoobs concern of going to GP and potential of social services disrupting the kids...

Doobs Scoob

iTrader: (2)

That would be my main concern if I was him.

tony de wonderful

She doesn't need his support, she needs to leave him.

He's the one ******** around and humiliating her, then next moment playing the comforter. It's dysfunctional. He's abusive.

Ant

You never seem to fail do you

alloy

He is very much aware of this, regardless of having a deconstructive past doesnt mean you can't try and help move forward does it? Perhaps right some of those wrongs?

anyway this is off the topic....

EddScott

I'm not suggesting it should be ignored but I think claiming the girl has a self harm problem with a few scratches on her arms is jumping the gun somewhat.

Someone who self harms their arms are absolutely riddled with scars. This girl appears to have done it once.

IMO marching her down the GPs is probably going to make her do it more - for the attention.

davyboy

I'd have thought might she might have shown evidence of self harm before. I don't think it's common to start doing it in adulthood.

...are you sure that the house doesn't have a cat or dog that caused the scratches?

shane_evans

iTrader: (1)

I work in a mental health unit, I see alot of people coming in and out with issue's of self harming as well as other issues. As it maybe a stress related problem he might be better off taking her to the local A&E where she can then see the right people. which i know doesnt sound very good, but its a a step in the right direction. as for the social services every case is different, but i have seen people who have had problems leave with there family(kids). I dont want to sound like i am saying she will end up in the unit. They do have community home treatment teams. I can only go by what i see and hear in work tho. hopefully she gets the help and support she needs.

Spoon

So this bloke suspected self-harming yet never had the ***** to ask her outright about the cuts and scratches on her arms? What do people think a relationship is about? Is communication dead?

He needs to be a real man and ask her what the marks are, sitting her down to comfort her whilst reassuring her he's been a **** and it is now his job to show her he has a lot of making up to do.

She, if it is self-harm, is in a real shítty place right now and is vulnerable.

If no talking between the two of them helps then it needs taking further.

Good luck to him but he needs to man-up fast if he truly cares.

Ant

First thing he needs to do is ask her first obviously, then take it from there.

If she is doing maybe she does want help as the self harming Is a cry for help.

Ant

Good advice

alloy

I agree, have told him many times to man up and face it, he is aware of this however i think on his behalf the initial shock and being out of his depth have stopped him. However he is confronting this issue now as i have sent him home for a few days...

Spoon

Fair comment and well done for sending him home. Lets just hope he makes the most of the time helping her. He's lucky to be given the opportunity to have time off and now he needs to take advantage of your help.

Porking around was easy enough for him, as it is for a lot of men. Facing up to getting caught takes *****. In this case he might well have picked on someone who is unable to deal with the situation without resorting to extreme measures. Measures most of us find alien, but nonetheless no less real.

tooly80

iTrader: (1)

Hi my misses used to self harm when we first got together 5 years ago i found it really hard to deal with she even tried to take it further a few times. One of the things that seemed to make her worse was going to councilling it dragged up to many painful memories. She went to the docs a few times but all they did was sign her off work and put her on anti depressants. The best way tha she found to deal with self harm was to talk when she wanted to not when being pressured in to it. She has a real close friend at work and they would spend hours talking things through. On my experience with this is that she would only talk to me when she was ready. Never tell her she was silly for doing it or that you dont understand why people self harm this made her worse. All i can say is he needs to be patient and supportive and give her all the space she needs and not pressure her into talking to any one. Hope this helps.

tony de wonderful

Right because the self-harm has absolutely nothing to do with his ******** around and their relationship? It just came out of the blue and should be treated as her personal pathology?

tony de wonderful

If he cared he would put distance between himself and her and not perpetuate what is (and is becoming) a dysfunctional relationship which is toxic for both of them.

He ***** about and humiliates her, she is needy and can only communicate by cutting herself which he responds to - thus enabling her - and plays the 'hero' rescuing her from herself, all is forgiven until the next time he ***** about and she has enabled him again effectively.

Rinse and repeat.

Seen it before.

Spoon

Distance now equals running away from what essentially he might have a hand in (assuming it is self harm). At the very least he needs to talk to her (if she wants to) and together work out the next step.

If he wants to continue porking about, knowing full well she is fragile, and he gets caught again, he simply doesn't care and should do one.

EddScott

Read my first post again.

It sounds like she's done this once.

Once does not mean every time you turn your back she's in the loo with a razor blade. I'm just saying not to over-react (i.e. - that it is expected to become a habitual problem)

Ellie*

Itsould like shes obviously and understandably very hurt, upset and proably confused by whats happened.

Self-harm is a way of coping when you dont know how to any other way. She may also blame herself and feel worthless and that she mustnt be good enough. Maybe. Self-harm also serves as a good punishment.

He needs to approach her about it sensitively. It may be a one-off. It may be a cry for help. If she wants support tell her to go to her gp. They should offer counselling. They WILL NOT section her unless shes threatening suicide or serious harm to herself or someone else.

(P.S ive been a self-harming for 7yrs, since i was 20)

what would scooby do

Buy her an album by the White Stripes.