Dead Duck
20 February 2011, 12:20 AM
#1
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Dead Duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried, " £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan .............."
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried, " £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan .............."
20 February 2011, 07:51 AM
#4
A chap walks into a public bar and notices a duck tap-dancing on top of a biscuit tin at the far end of the bar. The chap spends a good two hours by the bar, drinking and watching this duck do its act. Curiosity gets a hold on him, and he asks the bar-tender, "what's that dancing duck about?" the bar-tender replies, "oh, we've had him for quite a while, we're thinking about getting shut of it now, the novelty has worn off", "does that mean that it is for sale?" inquires the chap, "yes, if someone came along and made a reasonable offer they could have it", replies the bar-tender.
The chap is now getting quite excitable and offers the bartender $50 for the tap-dancing duck, "it's yours," says the bartender hastily, "take it". So the chap leaves feeling rather pleased with his new acquisition, and goes home to show his family this amazing tap dancing duck. He places the duck on top of the tin, and the duck goes into its act, the family are amazed by the antics of this remarkable duck.
All the family come downstairs next morning, bleary eyed through lack of any sleep whatsoever due to the sound of this duck dancing away on this tin all through the night. The wife asks how do you turn the darned thing off? So chap takes the duck back to the bar, and asks the bartender how on earth do I stop this thing dancing? The whole family has been kept awake all night by the sound of this darned duck tap-dancing on this tin.
The bartender replies, "oh yes, sorry I forgot to tell you", then he took the lid off the tin, and blew out the candle.
The chap is now getting quite excitable and offers the bartender $50 for the tap-dancing duck, "it's yours," says the bartender hastily, "take it". So the chap leaves feeling rather pleased with his new acquisition, and goes home to show his family this amazing tap dancing duck. He places the duck on top of the tin, and the duck goes into its act, the family are amazed by the antics of this remarkable duck.
All the family come downstairs next morning, bleary eyed through lack of any sleep whatsoever due to the sound of this duck dancing away on this tin all through the night. The wife asks how do you turn the darned thing off? So chap takes the duck back to the bar, and asks the bartender how on earth do I stop this thing dancing? The whole family has been kept awake all night by the sound of this darned duck tap-dancing on this tin.
The bartender replies, "oh yes, sorry I forgot to tell you", then he took the lid off the tin, and blew out the candle.
20 February 2011, 03:05 PM
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Why didn't the duck cross the road?
Because he took one step off the pavement, and got grabbed by a passing chicken who said "Look mate, for what it's worth, I really woudn't ******* do that if I were you"
Because he took one step off the pavement, and got grabbed by a passing chicken who said "Look mate, for what it's worth, I really woudn't ******* do that if I were you"
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20 February 2011, 04:34 PM
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20 February 2011, 09:12 PM
#10
21 February 2011, 11:25 AM
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A VERY old one:
A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'
'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'
A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'
'Ah,' says the German . . 'zat is ze.... Four-sprung Duck technique'
21 February 2011, 12:12 PM
#12
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried, " £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan .............."
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried, " £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan .............."
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