Joke Time Don't read if easilly offended
12 March 2009, 04:49 PM
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Joke Time Don't read if easilly offended
A mate of mine does photography, and he was hoping to take some nude pictures on the London subway system.
However, he got in trouble when he started taking pictures of naked ladies with pubic hair.
Turns out you are only allowed to shoot Brazilians on the Underground.
Following my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an, and the large number of private messages from Muslim members of this site that followed it, I would like to make the following statement:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."
OK, there- I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
However, he got in trouble when he started taking pictures of naked ladies with pubic hair.
Turns out you are only allowed to shoot Brazilians on the Underground.
Following my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an, and the large number of private messages from Muslim members of this site that followed it, I would like to make the following statement:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."
OK, there- I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
12 March 2009, 05:06 PM
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From the same source, I believe 
----
Two blondes were driving down the road.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''
----
Two blondes were driving down the road.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.''
12 March 2009, 05:10 PM
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk.'
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk.' The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?' The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.'
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, 'I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.'
The monks reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.'
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, 'The sound is behind that door.' The man reaches for the ****, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have the key?' The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door.' The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the ****, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk
A dyslexic kid asked his mom for a Mcdonalds, say said "if you can spell Mcdonalds you can have one"
The kid said "**** it i'll have a KFC"
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk.'
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk.' The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?' The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.'
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, 'I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.'
The monks reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.'
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, 'The sound is behind that door.' The man reaches for the ****, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have the key?' The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door.' The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the ****, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk
A dyslexic kid asked his mom for a Mcdonalds, say said "if you can spell Mcdonalds you can have one"
The kid said "**** it i'll have a KFC"
12 March 2009, 05:18 PM
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A guy worked in a factory on a machine. One day he had an accident and lost an eye. The Doctor at the hospital said "We can give you a glass eye to replace it, if you like" "Sure" says he, and duly has one fitted.
He appears back at the hospital the next day complaining that he cant see through the glass eye, and could they drill a hole in it for him to see better. The Doctor explained to him what a glass eye was, and he appeared shocked. He asked if he could ever see properly again. The Doctor told him if he could get a matching eye, then it could be fitted, but transplants were rare to find.
About two months later, on a cold wet night, he is driving home when he comes across an accident just outside Edinburgh. He gets out to see if he can help, but it is evident the driver of the vehicle involved is dead. He looks at the body, and noticing the guys eyes are still open and that they're the same colour as his, he thinks " A perfect match ", and quick as a flash before anyone arrives on the scene he steals one of the dead guys eyes, replacing it with his glass one. He then hotfoots it to the hospital where the amazed doctors perform a very successful transplant operation.
Two weeks later he is walking past a garage where he sees two police officers beside the car that was at the accident that night. He stops to look at it, thinking about the gift of sight the driver gave him. One of the cops looks at him and asks what he is looking at. Frightened he might get into trouble he says he was just looking at the damage to the car, and thinking how bad an accident it must've been. The cop says, " Bad accident? That's nothing, we're still trying to figure out how a guy with two glass eyes can drive from Aberdeen to Edinburgh, and not have a crash till he gets there !!"
Sorry
He appears back at the hospital the next day complaining that he cant see through the glass eye, and could they drill a hole in it for him to see better. The Doctor explained to him what a glass eye was, and he appeared shocked. He asked if he could ever see properly again. The Doctor told him if he could get a matching eye, then it could be fitted, but transplants were rare to find.
About two months later, on a cold wet night, he is driving home when he comes across an accident just outside Edinburgh. He gets out to see if he can help, but it is evident the driver of the vehicle involved is dead. He looks at the body, and noticing the guys eyes are still open and that they're the same colour as his, he thinks " A perfect match ", and quick as a flash before anyone arrives on the scene he steals one of the dead guys eyes, replacing it with his glass one. He then hotfoots it to the hospital where the amazed doctors perform a very successful transplant operation.
Two weeks later he is walking past a garage where he sees two police officers beside the car that was at the accident that night. He stops to look at it, thinking about the gift of sight the driver gave him. One of the cops looks at him and asks what he is looking at. Frightened he might get into trouble he says he was just looking at the damage to the car, and thinking how bad an accident it must've been. The cop says, " Bad accident? That's nothing, we're still trying to figure out how a guy with two glass eyes can drive from Aberdeen to Edinburgh, and not have a crash till he gets there !!"
Sorry
12 March 2009, 05:46 PM
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Meet the Chavleys, they're off to buy a new sofa!!!
Interest free credit, don’t pay for the first two years…
“I want Burberry” says Nan
“PVC” says Grandad
“Green & Yellow Burberry” shouts Sam
“Pink PVC” says Jenny
Were not spending over £200 says Dad
Under £50 says Mum
“You can all f*ck off cause your cards been declined” says the salesman!!
Interest free credit, don’t pay for the first two years…
“I want Burberry” says Nan
“PVC” says Grandad
“Green & Yellow Burberry” shouts Sam
“Pink PVC” says Jenny
Were not spending over £200 says Dad
Under £50 says Mum
“You can all f*ck off cause your cards been declined” says the salesman!!
Trending Topics
12 March 2009, 05:50 PM
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'When he wakes up - I'm There'
'When he watches his son play football - I'm There'
'When he goes to work - I'm There'
'When he tries to get to sleep - I'm There'
Well maybe if you weren't such a **** and stopped following him everywhere - he wouldn't have run you over in the first place.
'When he watches his son play football - I'm There'
'When he goes to work - I'm There'
'When he tries to get to sleep - I'm There'
Well maybe if you weren't such a **** and stopped following him everywhere - he wouldn't have run you over in the first place.
12 March 2009, 07:16 PM
#9
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A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a ***** flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a **** like that."
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a **** like that."
12 March 2009, 07:24 PM
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Originally Posted by spireite
Following my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an, and the large number of private messages from Muslim members of this site that followed it.....
.....now can you please stop sending me death threats?
.....now can you please stop sending me death threats?
12 March 2009, 09:55 PM
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I think Walkers are missing a trick in this search for a new flavour: Fanny flavoured. It'll be a monster.
There are thousands of people on Facebook just dying to find out what it tastes like.
There are thousands of people on Facebook just dying to find out what it tastes like.
12 March 2009, 10:11 PM
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Following my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an, and the large number of private messages from Muslim members of this site that followed it, I would like to make the following statement:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."
OK, there- I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."
OK, there- I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
OUT THEM.
Or tell me and i will.
They can threaten me all they like it won't do them much good, you can't threaten someone with nothing to lose, it simply doesn't work
Islam is one fecked up religion. It seems that although the bad of it don't out weigh the good they're tipping the balance further every day now...the disgusting display in Luton was outrageous, they should be dealt with severely.
The first muslim i ever met was when i was starting secondary school, a lad started that had just come to the UK from Bangladesh. He didn't speak much English but nearly the first phrase he learnt was
"I kill you".
Hand on heart truth.
You just can't talk to people like that...
12 March 2009, 10:20 PM
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12 March 2009, 10:32 PM
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sorry but if your reading this the thread does say "dont read if easily offended"
jade goody has apparently signed a new tv deal she will be appearing on most haunted in the near future .
ill get my coat
jade goody has apparently signed a new tv deal she will be appearing on most haunted in the near future .
ill get my coat
13 March 2009, 12:31 AM
#20
I go into a video shop and ask for the new DVD Slumdog Millionaire.
The guy returns with a Jade Goody keep fit DVD.
I tell the guy I asked for Slumdog Millionaire.
He says oh very sorry, I though you asked for some dog with no hair.....
The guy returns with a Jade Goody keep fit DVD.
I tell the guy I asked for Slumdog Millionaire.
He says oh very sorry, I though you asked for some dog with no hair.....
13 March 2009, 10:09 AM
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Serious?
OUT THEM.
Or tell me and i will.
They can threaten me all they like it won't do them much good, you can't threaten someone with nothing to lose, it simply doesn't work
Islam is one fecked up religion. It seems that although the bad of it don't out weigh the good they're tipping the balance further every day now...the disgusting display in Luton was outrageous, they should be dealt with severely.
The first muslim i ever met was when i was starting secondary school, a lad started that had just come to the UK from Bangladesh. He didn't speak much English but nearly the first phrase he learnt was
"I kill you".
Hand on heart truth.
You just can't talk to people like that...
OUT THEM.
Or tell me and i will.
They can threaten me all they like it won't do them much good, you can't threaten someone with nothing to lose, it simply doesn't work
Islam is one fecked up religion. It seems that although the bad of it don't out weigh the good they're tipping the balance further every day now...the disgusting display in Luton was outrageous, they should be dealt with severely.
The first muslim i ever met was when i was starting secondary school, a lad started that had just come to the UK from Bangladesh. He didn't speak much English but nearly the first phrase he learnt was
"I kill you".
Hand on heart truth.
You just can't talk to people like that...
Nat it was a joke read the 2nd and 3rd paragraph
13 March 2009, 11:59 AM
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Alabama:
Michael McLendon
One SKS Rifle, a Bushmaster AR-15 and a .38-caliber handgun.
200+ shots.
10 dead.
Winnenden:
Tim Kretschmer
One 9mm Beretta.
60 shots.
16 dead.
That’s what I call German efficiency.
Michael McLendon
One SKS Rifle, a Bushmaster AR-15 and a .38-caliber handgun.
200+ shots.
10 dead.
Winnenden:
Tim Kretschmer
One 9mm Beretta.
60 shots.
16 dead.
That’s what I call German efficiency.
13 March 2009, 12:05 PM
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After playing all season without a sponsor, West Brom have found one for the final few games of the season.
They will be sponsored by 'Jade Goody' as they both have the same chance of survival.
They will be sponsored by 'Jade Goody' as they both have the same chance of survival.
13 March 2009, 12:09 PM
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Little kid sees his mum in the bath for the first time, and, pointing between her legs, says, "Mummy, what's that?"
Mum, to hide her own embarrassment, says, "Oh, that's where daddy hit me with an axe."
"Good shot mum," says the kid, "Smack in the ****!"
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.
Mum, to hide her own embarrassment, says, "Oh, that's where daddy hit me with an axe."
"Good shot mum," says the kid, "Smack in the ****!"
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.
