New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

A woman's husband comes home pissed up every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology.
When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie, she sits him in an armchair and gives him a nice shoulder massage.
"It's getting late, big boy", she says after a few minutes, "why don't we go upstairs to bed?"

"We might as well", slurs the husband, "I'm gonna get a right bollocking when I get home, anyway..."



I find the saying 'you are what you eat' true.

My missus shops at Lidl, for instance, and she's cheap, easy and you don't really want people to know you've been there.

HankScorpio

Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling in charge of the economy

davegtt

Ultimate phone prank:

1. Call the Childline number and say, "I've just pressed redial and this number came up, who is this?"

2. Operator replies, "you're through to Childline."

3. You shout, "TERRY, YOU LITTLE ****, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE *******" before hanging up the phone.




My mate put a thousand pounds on a horse.
The horse collapsed.

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

Gary Glitter has started composing classical music. His first piece, entitled 'Deep', is complete. Well, technically, its full title is...
.
.
...wait for it....
.
.
.
.
'Deep, in A Minor'

Leslie

I liked the one about Lidls!

Les

warrenm2

actually with these hard times, I've started shopping at Lidl's. In fact you should try their Korean meatballs, they really are the dogs bollox!

chocolate_o_brian

iTrader: (22)

lol @ Ns04 too - still on form

warrenm2

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

" It's worth spending money on good speakers" he told me.

hoskib

iTrader: (1)

my friend just phoned me up to tell me he's doing the gardening and just realised his fork has got more points than Spurs

no really, he just has. the c**t

jayb1970

There has been a medical breakthrough today. The national blood transfusion service is now using chicken blood in transfusions, it makes men more cocky and women easier to lay.


An ex prostitute is due to get married and is worried that after years on the game her husband to be will be worried that her fanny is too slack and won't actually want her afterwards. So when the time comes to consumate the marriage she makes up a story saying that whilst out walking in the country some cows chased her across the field and when she jumped the barbed wire fence she caught her fanny on the top wire and stretched it. Anyway after the deed was done the husband turns roud and asks her " Just how far were you across the field before you realised your fanny was caught on the fence"


2 will do for now.

Maz

iTrader: (34)

I was walking down the High street the other day and this woman came up to me and asked if I wanted sex for twenty quid, I was a little skint so I said yes.


I saw a 42" Plasma TV for sale in a shop for a £100. It had a problem with the volume switch. I couldn't turn it down at that price.

what would scooby do

Sadly, just like a million other people my grandfather died in a concentration camp....


... he fell out of the machine gun tower when drunk

ademid

A guy goes to see his doctor.

The doctor asks how he can help.

The guy explains how whilst on a recent holiday to Africa that he was raped by an elephant!

The doctor laughs thinking he's joking but the man is deadly serious, so the doctor asks him to stand, drop his trousers and bend over so he can examine him.

The man does as asked and the doctor goes to examine him.

After seeing whats left of the mans bumhole the doctor is shocked and goes very pale and a bit dizzy so takes a seat for a moment to compose himself. Once he has gotten over the shock he starts to question what he's looking at.

He says to the guy "whilst the average elephant has a ***** 3ft long it's only about as wide as a tin of beans. But your bumhole looks like a fecking dinner plate?!?!?! What on earth happened?"


The guy answers......















Wait for it.............

















Yeah I know, the Ba$tard fingered me first!!!

Blue by You

iTrader: (23)

Jock takes his wife to casualty. She's no teeth, a broken nose & two black
eyes.

Dr says, 'What´s happened here?'

Jock says
'She's going through the change.'


Dr says
'That sort of injury doesn't happen with the change.'


Jock replies 'It does when its in my f*cking pocket'

Blue by You

iTrader: (23)

There's more...

Ahmed the Arab came to the London from the Middle East, and he
was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor
after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, 'Take dees bocket,
go into de odder room, sh*t in de bocket, p**s on de sh*t, and den put
your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahmid took the bucket, went into the other room, sh*t in the
bucket, p**sed on the sh*t, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten
minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific!
What was wrong with me?'



The doctor said, 'You were homesick .'

Blue by You

iTrader: (23)

How Adam Got Eve

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a beautiful woman.


He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you .
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'


Adam was really exceited by this promise and asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'


God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'


Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'



Of course the rest is history............!!!!

rallychick

One for the men!

The other day I went to PCWorld to get some supplies. While there I bought a new ink cartridge for my printer. It came in a fairly large box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic.

When I took it apart, which took an unnecessarily long time, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small. It seems they made the packaging large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

So I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect… It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal. She’s still laughing.

Well, made me laugh anyway! Ha ha ha!

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.



"Since when do you wear womens pants?"

"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"


-------


There really is no pleasing some women.

I recently put up a bird table. My wife went ****in mad...

I don't know why... i gave her 6 out of 10, which is more than fair..

------------

One for the ladies...

Why do men prefer women with big **** and tight pussies?

Because most men have big mouths and small dicks.

scoobyvirgin

A little Pakistani boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking.

He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.

'Look, mom, I'm a white boy!' His mom slaps him in the face and says 'Go show your father'.

He goes to his dad in the living room and says 'Look dad, I'm a white boy.' His dad slaps him hard in the face and says 'Go show your grandmother.'

The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says 'Look granny, I'm a white boy'. His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends
him back to his mother.

His mother says 'Now, did you learn anything from that?'

To which the little boy replies 'I Sure did. I've only been white for five minutes and I already hate you ****ing Packis!'

chocolate_o_brian

iTrader: (22)

sorry but that's soo gonna get infracted (won't be me btw)

hail-hail

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking. He leans over to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing"? he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely befuddled, the man walks away thinking to himself.
"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock....?"

scoobyvirgin

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the Australian for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the Australian wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Australian and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the Australian weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the Australian wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of ***** right in front of my face.

"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own *****!"

davegtt

No wonder the Russian lost, he was fighting 2 different people

lozgti

I like Alan Carr's quip about going in to casualty on a saturday night

" I thought someone had bombed Lidl "

scoobyvirgin

Good spot!

Kieran_Burns

iTrader: (1)

Political Humour:

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?


Father: Sure, son. What's the question?


Son: What is politics?


Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I earn the money for our house, so let's call me "Gordon Brown". Your mother looks after our money, so we'll call her "Alistair Darling". We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "the People." We'll call the nanny "the Working Class," and your baby brother we can call "the Left." Do you understand, son?


Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his nappy, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the nanny's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the nanny. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the nanny, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.


Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?


Son: Well, Dad, while Gordon Brown is screwing the Working Class, Alistair Darling is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Left is full of ****.