Things you wished you'd never said
28 September 2008, 11:31 PM
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Things you wished you'd never said
A comment on another thread reminded me of something I said years ago, and it got me thinking. What have you said, something completely innocent or unintentional, that has caused you to seriously wish you hadn't. I'll start the ball rolling with a couple of examples.
Whilst a passenger in a works van, some years ago, I was enjoying perving at the young ladies in their skimpy tops and short skirts that the summer sun had bought out. On spotting one particularly stunning bra-less young lady, I turned to my colleague, and say "Bloody Hell, what amazing t1ts, her n1pples are like chapel hat pegs!", my colleague turns to have a look, at which point, he smiles at her and waves, whilst saying in a very strained voice, "That's my daughter"
Whilst in the queue at the bank, I spot the wife of an ex-workmate, I tap her on the sholder and say "Hi, haven't seen you for a while, how's that miserable old git of a husband of yours", cue floods of tears and and she runs out of the bank. The woman that was stood next to her, tells me she is her sister, and says to me, "He died last week, cancer, where were you when he needed his friends"
Whilst a passenger in a works van, some years ago, I was enjoying perving at the young ladies in their skimpy tops and short skirts that the summer sun had bought out. On spotting one particularly stunning bra-less young lady, I turned to my colleague, and say "Bloody Hell, what amazing t1ts, her n1pples are like chapel hat pegs!", my colleague turns to have a look, at which point, he smiles at her and waves, whilst saying in a very strained voice, "That's my daughter"
Whilst in the queue at the bank, I spot the wife of an ex-workmate, I tap her on the sholder and say "Hi, haven't seen you for a while, how's that miserable old git of a husband of yours", cue floods of tears and and she runs out of the bank. The woman that was stood next to her, tells me she is her sister, and says to me, "He died last week, cancer, where were you when he needed his friends"
28 September 2008, 11:42 PM
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not as bad as your second one...that must have been difficult
I once said to a pregnant relation I hadnt seen since she started to show...(bearing in mind I didnt really think before speaking but was only joking)
crikey your big..what have you got in there a baby or an alien..
She has always been a bit OTT and a precocious so and so, but it did cause a bit of tension
luckily it turned out to be a baby and not some three headed being from outer space...
I once said to a pregnant relation I hadnt seen since she started to show...(bearing in mind I didnt really think before speaking but was only joking)
crikey your big..what have you got in there a baby or an alien..
She has always been a bit OTT and a precocious so and so, but it did cause a bit of tension
luckily it turned out to be a baby and not some three headed being from outer space...
28 September 2008, 11:46 PM
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OOps, been there
Whilst preggers with number one Son, I started ranting about I did not want my kids to have ginger hair (sorry LG), looked up and noticed the wimmins opposite was a carrot top
Other half did worse, cracked a bad joke about epilepsy (apologies to anyone with this affliction) at a works do, all went quiet as his Boss was sat there with a face like he was sucking a lemon, as his Son was an epileptic
Oh and my worst to date. When stilletos made a come back for the umpteenth time, Me and Mum were in a shoe shop laughing to bits. A mate came in and asked what we were laughing at. I said, who the hell would wear these. Her, big, fat hard bugger. "Me you cheeky bugger". OOpps. Exit me and Mum wishing the ground would swallow us up
Christ I have loads of these
Whilst preggers with number one Son, I started ranting about I did not want my kids to have ginger hair (sorry LG), looked up and noticed the wimmins opposite was a carrot top
Other half did worse, cracked a bad joke about epilepsy (apologies to anyone with this affliction) at a works do, all went quiet as his Boss was sat there with a face like he was sucking a lemon, as his Son was an epileptic
Oh and my worst to date. When stilletos made a come back for the umpteenth time, Me and Mum were in a shoe shop laughing to bits. A mate came in and asked what we were laughing at. I said, who the hell would wear these. Her, big, fat hard bugger. "Me you cheeky bugger". OOpps. Exit me and Mum wishing the ground would swallow us up
Christ I have loads of these
28 September 2008, 11:51 PM
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OOps, been there
Whilst preggers with number one Son, I started ranting about I did not want my kids to have ginger hair (sorry LG), looked up and noticed the wimmins opposite was a carrot top
Other half did worse, cracked a bad joke about epilepsy (apologies to anyone with this affliction) at a works do, all went quiet as his Boss was sat there with a face like he was sucking a lemon, as his Son was an epileptic
Oh and my worst to date. When stilletos made a come back for the umpteenth time, Me and Mum were in a shoe shop laughing to bits. A mate came in and asked what we were laughing at. I said, who the hell would wear these. Her, big, fat hard bugger. "Me you cheeky bugger". OOpps. Exit me and Mum wishing the ground would swallow us up
Christ I have loads of these
Whilst preggers with number one Son, I started ranting about I did not want my kids to have ginger hair (sorry LG), looked up and noticed the wimmins opposite was a carrot top
Other half did worse, cracked a bad joke about epilepsy (apologies to anyone with this affliction) at a works do, all went quiet as his Boss was sat there with a face like he was sucking a lemon, as his Son was an epileptic
Oh and my worst to date. When stilletos made a come back for the umpteenth time, Me and Mum were in a shoe shop laughing to bits. A mate came in and asked what we were laughing at. I said, who the hell would wear these. Her, big, fat hard bugger. "Me you cheeky bugger". OOpps. Exit me and Mum wishing the ground would swallow us up
Christ I have loads of these
well how rude! i must say though if i have kids, if a son it is with ginger hair i will be most pissed off/upset
28 September 2008, 11:53 PM
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28 September 2008, 11:57 PM
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Once sat in thin partition walled meeting room at work with a colleague who is also one of my best mates... we were 'discussing ( ok taking the mickey out of)' one of our team members erm had an issue with some facial hair.
and as you do when you are having a laugh we were quite loud when I blurted out she would make a good bearded lady in the circus....
we heard a door slam and saw this woman glare at us as she stalked by.. i didnt realise she was in the meeting room next door and must have heard every word..
The working atmosphere was a bit erm strained after that
and as you do when you are having a laugh we were quite loud when I blurted out she would make a good bearded lady in the circus....
we heard a door slam and saw this woman glare at us as she stalked by.. i didnt realise she was in the meeting room next door and must have heard every word..
The working atmosphere was a bit erm strained after that
28 September 2008, 11:58 PM
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29 September 2008, 12:11 AM
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Yup, especially as the bank was REALLY busy, it felt like a thousand people starring at me. I got to the front of the queue and the look from the woman behind the counter could of turned an elephant to stone.
29 September 2008, 09:19 AM
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I'm always putting my foot in it. Too many to recount, but I usually end up stewing on what I've said for days feeling guilty....
29 September 2008, 09:40 AM
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I was about 14 and, one day, during secondary school, my best mate told me that his grand dad had been admitted to hospital with pneumonia.
"He'll be fine" He confidently exclaimed.
Now, the sensible thing to do here would have been just to have agreed.
"Are you sure; pneumonia is really serious in old people isn't it" I replied.
Who wants to guess what news he came in with next day?!
Ns "G.Reaper" 04
PS Under the above circumstances, adhering to the maxim: 'if you're going to be able to look back a d laugh at something you may as well laugh at it now' is also ill-advised!
"He'll be fine" He confidently exclaimed.
Now, the sensible thing to do here would have been just to have agreed.
"Are you sure; pneumonia is really serious in old people isn't it" I replied.
Who wants to guess what news he came in with next day?!
Ns "G.Reaper" 04
PS Under the above circumstances, adhering to the maxim: 'if you're going to be able to look back a d laugh at something you may as well laugh at it now' is also ill-advised!
29 September 2008, 09:46 AM
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I told the one about the epileptic in a bath, only for a colleague (who no-one liked, in my defence, to complain:
"My dad is an epileptic".
Apologetic but undeterred, I went on to tell my best Irish joke, but could before I could finish, he interrupted with,
"My dad is also Irish"
What are the odds!
A little miffed at this point I decided to tell a joke he couldn't object to:Two Eskimos were walking across an iceberg, one turns to the other and says.............................. "Hey paddy, I forgot my epilepsy pills!"
29 September 2008, 09:47 AM
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Met my mum's cousin and his wife at a family doo...
Saw she had a bit of a belly and said "when's it due?"
the blank faces answered my question... not a great place to be....
Saw she had a bit of a belly and said "when's it due?"
the blank faces answered my question... not a great place to be....
29 September 2008, 10:35 AM
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Years back we took grandma to an "eat as much as you like" indian buffet. Cue grandma in a very loud voice:
"Ere, that greedy bugger's gone up for a 3rd helping!"
"Ere, that greedy bugger's gone up for a 3rd helping!"
29 September 2008, 10:58 AM
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I was staying at a hotel this weekend with a group of lads all out on the sauce & all a bit wrecked. There was also a wedding reception in the same hotel. I loudly recommended a divorce lawyer to the bride & told her the groom was in the toilets nailing one of the bridesmaids. Some women have no sense of humour ...
29 September 2008, 11:21 AM
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Pontificating
No one come up with "I Do" yet, if it wasnt for my son I'd have nominated that with my 1st wife, at least one good thing came from that marriage...
29 September 2008, 11:41 AM
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A mate replying to me after I warned him to slow down as I knew camera cops hide out along the road ahead: " They'll never catch me speeding , Im too fast for them ha ha ha ha "
> FLASH <
"Oh ****"
My daughter, having been watching a humongous woman waddle along the isle of the plane on her way back from the loo "wow dad, how many babies has that lady got inside her" Cue several rows of belly laughter from the other passengers that heard her!!!
Me many years ago while a few of us were taking the p!$$ out of a mate that was loosing his hair " You only have to look at my dad to know I'll never go bald"
Yes you guessed it , its happened!
> FLASH <
"Oh ****"
My daughter, having been watching a humongous woman waddle along the isle of the plane on her way back from the loo "wow dad, how many babies has that lady got inside her" Cue several rows of belly laughter from the other passengers that heard her!!!
Me many years ago while a few of us were taking the p!$$ out of a mate that was loosing his hair " You only have to look at my dad to know I'll never go bald"
Yes you guessed it , its happened!
29 September 2008, 11:48 AM
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When I was training to be an instructor in the RAF one of the teachers used to say " A pennyworth of what I don't say is worth tuppenceworth of wish I hadn't said it"
Wise words!
Les
Wise words!
Les
29 September 2008, 12:05 PM
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I was visiting a perspective new supplier a couple of years ago, storage and pick& pack, having a look round with the owner, his general manager my self and a junior colleague. Came to one particular section where operatives where feverishly picking stock items, collating and stuffing into boxes.
“Whats this section?” I ask
“Specialist medical supplies” the owner responds. “One of our busiest contracts”
“Ok, what sort of specialist supplies”
“Colostomy supplies”
So I drop out the old “ ahhhh Colostomy …………… its not by bag ” followed with a wink and thumbs up 
Owner nearly passed out whilst my colleague nearly messed himself.
Turns out during the morning when I nipped out for a lash leaving my colleague with the owner and GM, the GM explained how his wife had a particular medical issue (have you guessed yet ??) and was having a particularly nasty time and the GM was going to work part time for a while.
GM didn’t speak to me again funnily enough !
“Whats this section?” I ask
“Specialist medical supplies” the owner responds. “One of our busiest contracts”
“Ok, what sort of specialist supplies”
“Colostomy supplies”
So I drop out the old “ ahhhh Colostomy …………… its not by bag ” followed with a wink and thumbs up
Owner nearly passed out whilst my colleague nearly messed himself.
Turns out during the morning when I nipped out for a lash leaving my colleague with the owner and GM, the GM explained how his wife had a particular medical issue (have you guessed yet ??) and was having a particularly nasty time and the GM was going to work part time for a while.
GM didn’t speak to me again funnily enough !
29 September 2008, 02:00 PM
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I can still remember when a friend captured the virginity of his then girlfriend. He proudly showed the lads the blood stained sheets so next day when I saw them I came out with
'I am surprised you have recovered from the loss of blood, those sheets were effing coverered in it'
At the time I thaught it quite a harmless joke and had no idea why she got so upset.
'I am surprised you have recovered from the loss of blood, those sheets were effing coverered in it'
At the time I thaught it quite a harmless joke and had no idea why she got so upset.
29 September 2008, 02:13 PM
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I can still remember when a friend captured the virginity of his then girlfriend. He proudly showed the lads the blood stained sheets so next day when I saw them I came out with
'I am surprised you have recovered from the loss of blood, those sheets were effing coverered in it'
At the time I thaught it quite a harmless joke and had no idea why she got so upset.
'I am surprised you have recovered from the loss of blood, those sheets were effing coverered in it'
At the time I thaught it quite a harmless joke and had no idea why she got so upset.
Poor girl! I hope she dumped him!
29 September 2008, 02:19 PM
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I did that at work.
I told the one about the epileptic in a bath, only for a colleague (who no-one liked, in my defence, to complain:
"My dad is an epileptic".
Apologetic but undeterred, I went on to tell my best Irish joke, but could before I could finish, he interrupted with,
"My dad is also Irish"
What are the odds!A little miffed at this point I decided to tell a joke he couldn't object to:
Two Eskimos were walking across an iceberg, one turns to the other and says.............................. "Hey paddy, I forgot my epilepsy pills!"
I told the one about the epileptic in a bath, only for a colleague (who no-one liked, in my defence, to complain:
"My dad is an epileptic".
Apologetic but undeterred, I went on to tell my best Irish joke, but could before I could finish, he interrupted with,
"My dad is also Irish"
What are the odds!
A little miffed at this point I decided to tell a joke he couldn't object to:Two Eskimos were walking across an iceberg, one turns to the other and says.............................. "Hey paddy, I forgot my epilepsy pills!"
29 September 2008, 02:29 PM
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No she stayed with him after that but dumped him after one of her friends caught him kissing another girl in a night club. She was actually there in the same club as well btw.
