ScoobyWon't

As some of you know, and the rest of you will now, I'm changing careers and with a looming fitness and medical to pass, I thought I'd share some of my tips, secrets and experiences with you.

-It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £2000 per month.

-My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.

-I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

-I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

-I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

-If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

-I thought I would let you, my friends, in on a little secret I've found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might wish to adopt this regime;

Three days a week works well. I start by standing outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can.

After a few weeks I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.

As I'm not yet reached the peak of physical fitness, here are a few things you can do in the gym to mess with people's minds:

Going to the gym should be fun! Are you stuck in a rut? Try a few of these psychological mind games and enjoy the confusion of everyone around you. It's just like facing the wrong way in an elevator and looking at the other people instead of the ceiling or wall.

1. Fill an old vodka bottle with water and use it during a workout. People will wonder if that's "your secret weapon" to great results!

2. Wear a helmet. I think you'll find that people will give you a lot more room when you're lifting when you walk in with head protection (especially when you do overhead exercises!).

3. Pick up the 2-pound nose-itcher dumbells and proceed to lift them like you're doing the hardest set in your life. Scream and strain like you're pushing it to the limit. The larger you are, the more effective this one will be.

4. Load a tremendous amount of weight onto the bench press bar, e.g. 500 to 600 pounds. Make a big production with your preparation, lie back on the bench, then, just as you are about to lift the bar off the rack, your watch alarm (previously set by you, of course) should go off. Look at your watch, shake your head, unload the bar then move onto your next exercise. The smaller you are, the more effective this one will be!

5. Wear an electric ab-training belt with an extension cord duct-taped to it. Plug yourself in just before each set.

6. Bring a suitcase to the gym instead of a duffel bag. The little rolling ones with the pop-up handles are good. Also, a really huge one that you can fit a person comfortably in will work.

7. Use sandwich bags instead of workout gloves.

And when you walk into the gym pulling a huge suitcase, carrying a liquor bottle in your hand, with a helmet on your head, two sandwich bags instead of gloves, and an extension cord hanging from your waist, you'll know that you've probably taken this a little too seriously.

At this point, I would like to discuss diet, which is an important part of a fitness regime.
Dieting doesn't have to be a painful experience! Check out this top 10 list of my all-time favorite diet foods and prepare yourself for maximum results...

Being on a diet is NOT the end of the world! Sure, it's usually the end of your enjoyment of food…at least, for awhile…like until you've paid for all your PREVIOUS enjoyment of food. But know this: it doesn't have to be like that the WHOLE time.

It's all in how you LOOK at the foods you're eating…

So I've compiled a list of my top 10 all-time favorite diet foods. Though let me tell you right up front, these foods have made it onto the list by virtues that may not be immediately obvious (you'll see what I mean in a second).

You see, they're NOT your typical diet foods like rice cakes and chicken breasts…

10. Triple Cheeseburgers
This is a STAPLE diet food that should be on everyone's list. Why? Because you will burn a TON of calories constantly catching that middle burger that keeps shooting out the back of the bun from all the grease every time you bite into it.

And if you're worried about getting too many calories from the sandwich itself, just remove the lettuce and tomato - all that healthy **** does is slow down the fatty meat clawing its way through your digestive tract.

9. Pizza
Pizza is the PERFECT diet food, according to the Government Food Pyramid. How so, you ask?

Just look at it! First, you've got "grains" making up the bottom of the pizza (just like the bottom of the pyramid)…a delicious, thick nutritionless white flour gob. Next up, you've got the dairy group - cheese, of course (lots of great calcium to be found there, which can enhance fat-burning by up to 1/25 of a percent)! You've also got your vegetables (unless you get your pizza with no vegetables, in which case you'll have to count pepperoni as a vegetable, which I am FINE with, by the way). Finally, you've got the meat group…right on top.

Good eating and a perfect match to the food pyramid, in structure if not intent!

8. Cold Beer
Do you have any idea how many calories your body burns simply warming up cold beer to body temperature in your stomach? No? Good...because ignorance is VERY important for making this tip work.

You see every time you eat or drink a food that is colder than body temperature, your body must expend heat warming that food up. A single bottle of cold beer will cause the body to burn almost 8,000 calories (give or take) warming it up to body temperature.

And believe me, there have been studies that back this up. In fact, the more beer that was "studied," the higher that number went up!

This technique works well with fizzy drinks too. But not that "diet" garbage - you want to go with the REAL stuff. It has to contain at least 48 grams of high fructose corn syrup per 30 gram serving to maximize fat burning (that GIANT insulin spike followed by the tremendous crash in blood sugar burns a TON of calories).

7. Rice Krispie Squares
Everybody knows Rice Krispies are made up almost entirely of air. So eating Rice Krispie squares is just like eating air. That thick layer of fudge on the top is just required to keep the squares from floating away. It's a totally guilt-free snack.

6. French Fries
It's a FACT that French people have lower blood pressure and cholesterol than the Britisjh. Obviously, this is because they eat more FRENCH Fries. So the trick is to eat more French Fries. I'm telling you…you just can't make this stuff up.


5. Pizza Again
It's just that good a diet food. I mean, how many foods do you know that you can dramatically change their calorie content just by how you slice them?

Think about it…let's say in a normal large pizza, you cut it into 8 pieces. That's a LOT of calories and you PROBABLY won't lose weight when you eat the whole thing. But cut that same large pizza into FOUR slices? You've just cut your calories in HALF. So when you eat the whole thing, you're only eating HALF the number of slices. Do the math and you'll see.

Also, pizza is a round food and everybody knows that round foods have fewer calories than square foods - no corners…duh.

4. Anything That Has Fallen On The Floor
It automatically loses ALL calorie content. This rule only applies, however, if it happens by ACCIDENT. And the dog gets first dibs.

3. Chocolate mini-rolls
Since mini-rolls cannot technically be considered food (in a nuclear war, they will outlast even cockroaches), you're welcome to eat as many of these as you want. They are also VERY valuable for appetite control. Don't believe me? Eat a dozen of these colon-stoppers and see how your appetite is.

2. Chinese Food
I'm not talking 'British' Chinese food with the almond chicken and ginger beef…I'm talking CHINESE Chinese food. And if you've been to China and have seen the things hanging in the unrefrigerated shop windows, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about and why eating those things will help you lose weight FAST…

1. "Sports" Water
In other words, water with that great "sporty" taste of corn syrup, artificial flavor and fresh-squeezed potassium benzoate! In fact, I have to say "kudos" to the cormpanies who found a way to create a market out of complete bullsh*t!... And then lash out for people having to do (GOD FORBID) MORE exercise, to burn off those 60 extra ***-growing calories found in the other guys bottle of stupid sports water. Like just being alive for an extra 45 minutes won't burn THAT off. Cripes.

Sorry...bit of a tangent there.

CONCLUSION:
If, at this point, you're still wondering if this is a SERIOUS article, the answer is "yes." I really, truly, totally believe triple cheeseburgers can be part of a balanced diet…

But only if you've got one in each hand.