Always wear a cycle helmet....
25 May 2008, 07:49 PM
#1
Always wear a cycle helmet....
Went for a ride last night, dragged my Mountain bike out of the garage and set off for my usual route, through the Bollin Valley to a nice vantage point
near Runway 2 at Manchester airport, ok I am a bit of a plane geek but I dont take photos or listen on a radio, just somewhere convenient to ride to.
Anyway, I left the road at Mobberley and went down the normal track that leads to a Styal, I hoiked my bike over and got back on, I heard thunder and indeed the sky was forbidding.
Only it wasn't the sky, it was a large number of Beef based Quadrupeds moving at a fair speed for something that usually doesn't move above cud chomping pace, luckily I was not in the direct path of the Stampede but still it was quite alarming, they were going away from me so I thought I was ok.
In the manner of a large and heavy land mammal, any vigorous activity is usually short lived (ask my wife) and in response to a fight or flight response,
so I am pedaling slowly behind them as they stop, most return to filling all five bellies but a few stand there looking furtive and it has to be said, ever so slightly sinster, what with the steely grey sky, the fact I was alone and in Moo Moo Land having been spotted by the Bovine immigration authorities.
They started towards me, obviously you lot would have stood your ground in the face of a mere Moo Cow, A Lady one at that, and I may have if it was just the one but they are inquisitive creatures, 30 to 40 Heifers decided I was the most interesting thing in the field so I nearly dropped my **** there and then, instead and with mounting panic I started back towards the Styal carting a now rather heavy Mountain bike, I could hear them, I could feel the thud of their hooves, I get to the Styal and try to lift my bike over but it gets caught, I nearly left it but allowed myself a glance, I had time for one more heave and luckily it went over, I didn't want it hoofing.
So, back over the Styal i felt braver but was a bit stuck, backwards was a long hill back to the road and defeat by a few cows, plus I wanted to watch some planes take off (don't know why ?) so I stood there being stared at by 30 to 40 cows, I tried waving my arms, shouting and telling them to MOOOOOve, they didnt look impressed, I made like I was leaving and went a little up the hill and watched, they soon lost interest and dispersed and yes, I J4CKO had outwitted my tormentors.
So, back over the Styal, back on the bike, eye out for stray Cattle, I was skirting the well trodden path (it is a right of way) next to the barbed wire fence and was pleased that my route was not blocked and my ride not spoilt by Udder Tossers, I could see some, they seemed placid enough now, and far away enough not to be a problem.
I get half-way between the Styal and the other side of the field and safety when I see some heads go up, distracted from mowing duties, the same Beige cow (most being Black and white) was now making speedy progress towards me, as were 2 others fromt he other direction in a pincer movement, I couldnt go back, I couldnt go forward so I had to launch myself over the barbed wire fence - QUICKLY which I did, being careful to retain as much of my ******* as was possible, not a choice I want to make again, trampled by a cow versus having my ball bag hanging from a fence.
I get over and drag the bike over just in time, 5 cows staring me down and more joining them to see what the fuss is about, I realise I have trapped myself behind the barbed wire, to my left and right was thick bracken, behind was more bracken and a sheer drop in to the Bollin, forward were my new best mates.
Once I had realised that the Barbed Wire was the only thing protecting me it did make me wonder how 2 slightly scratchy wires mounted on two spindly poles can defend you from 40 tonnes of prime Cheshire beef, perhaps its natures way of defending the stupid from the even stupider, like nature contriving something similar to the way Daleks cant get up stairs ?
I allowed myself a chuckle, stuck behind a fence in a field, having left the house to escape 1 grumpy cow I was now facing 40 or so.
It was the same Beige one at the front, staring me down, strangely human eyes burning into my very soul, I could feel it probing my mind, well I couldn't really its a cow but I have been reading James Herbert a lot. They just stood there looking manky, a far cry from the shiny doe eyed cows that dance in the Anchor butter ads all covered in their own plop, even J4ckos mate makes more of an effort.
About half of the total had joined to stare me down but they soon got bored but the beige f*cker and its cronies just stood there, you cant tell what they are thinking, are they telepathic, are they saying to each other, "Daisy, you take the left, Ermintrude the right, stamp on the f*cker if he tries to move"
My fear turned to amusement, then anger, After 5 minutes of staring I was well pissed off, I started shouting at them, they remained impassive even when I called them all sorts of names, I made like I was getting out, again mindful of explaining why my ******* was split open at Wythenshawe hospital, they just stood there so I decided to be friendly and win them over with a stroke, I got close to the Beige one and she just shied away.
So, this went on for a while, 20 minutes or so, me getting very p1ssed off and getting ready for a night under the stars whilst my captors stood there, preying for milking time, I could wait, ok I have more on than a cow but then I dont get milked twice a day, well maybe I do but i don't need any help or complex machinery to do it
just some peace and quiet and a broadband...., too much detail perhaps....
I was getting angry, I had tried everything, I only had one real option, so I got as close as I could, without alerting the Beige bitch of my intentions and swiftly brought my cycle helmet down on her snotty snout, hard but not lethally so, now this could have gone two ways, cow attack with maximum prejudice or as was the case, cow retreating, she did, at high speed with that dipped head they do, backwards and turning at the same time causing a collision with Daisy ending up with them both sprawling on the floor mooing like big babies, they got up and fooked off like the rest had done at high speed leaving me with an open field, I got over the barbed wire with minimal loss of *******, onto the bike, pedaling like mad, I felt I like Steve McQueen escaping the Germans, I allowed myself a look back once in the safety of the trees and there they were back to eating grass like nothing had happened.
So, always wear a cycle helmet, or wear trousers with a thin ring of barbed wire.
near Runway 2 at Manchester airport, ok I am a bit of a plane geek but I dont take photos or listen on a radio, just somewhere convenient to ride to.
Anyway, I left the road at Mobberley and went down the normal track that leads to a Styal, I hoiked my bike over and got back on, I heard thunder and indeed the sky was forbidding.
Only it wasn't the sky, it was a large number of Beef based Quadrupeds moving at a fair speed for something that usually doesn't move above cud chomping pace, luckily I was not in the direct path of the Stampede but still it was quite alarming, they were going away from me so I thought I was ok.
In the manner of a large and heavy land mammal, any vigorous activity is usually short lived (ask my wife) and in response to a fight or flight response,
so I am pedaling slowly behind them as they stop, most return to filling all five bellies but a few stand there looking furtive and it has to be said, ever so slightly sinster, what with the steely grey sky, the fact I was alone and in Moo Moo Land having been spotted by the Bovine immigration authorities.
They started towards me, obviously you lot would have stood your ground in the face of a mere Moo Cow, A Lady one at that, and I may have if it was just the one but they are inquisitive creatures, 30 to 40 Heifers decided I was the most interesting thing in the field so I nearly dropped my **** there and then, instead and with mounting panic I started back towards the Styal carting a now rather heavy Mountain bike, I could hear them, I could feel the thud of their hooves, I get to the Styal and try to lift my bike over but it gets caught, I nearly left it but allowed myself a glance, I had time for one more heave and luckily it went over, I didn't want it hoofing.
So, back over the Styal i felt braver but was a bit stuck, backwards was a long hill back to the road and defeat by a few cows, plus I wanted to watch some planes take off (don't know why ?) so I stood there being stared at by 30 to 40 cows, I tried waving my arms, shouting and telling them to MOOOOOve, they didnt look impressed, I made like I was leaving and went a little up the hill and watched, they soon lost interest and dispersed and yes, I J4CKO had outwitted my tormentors.
So, back over the Styal, back on the bike, eye out for stray Cattle, I was skirting the well trodden path (it is a right of way) next to the barbed wire fence and was pleased that my route was not blocked and my ride not spoilt by Udder Tossers, I could see some, they seemed placid enough now, and far away enough not to be a problem.
I get half-way between the Styal and the other side of the field and safety when I see some heads go up, distracted from mowing duties, the same Beige cow (most being Black and white) was now making speedy progress towards me, as were 2 others fromt he other direction in a pincer movement, I couldnt go back, I couldnt go forward so I had to launch myself over the barbed wire fence - QUICKLY which I did, being careful to retain as much of my ******* as was possible, not a choice I want to make again, trampled by a cow versus having my ball bag hanging from a fence.
I get over and drag the bike over just in time, 5 cows staring me down and more joining them to see what the fuss is about, I realise I have trapped myself behind the barbed wire, to my left and right was thick bracken, behind was more bracken and a sheer drop in to the Bollin, forward were my new best mates.
Once I had realised that the Barbed Wire was the only thing protecting me it did make me wonder how 2 slightly scratchy wires mounted on two spindly poles can defend you from 40 tonnes of prime Cheshire beef, perhaps its natures way of defending the stupid from the even stupider, like nature contriving something similar to the way Daleks cant get up stairs ?
I allowed myself a chuckle, stuck behind a fence in a field, having left the house to escape 1 grumpy cow I was now facing 40 or so.
It was the same Beige one at the front, staring me down, strangely human eyes burning into my very soul, I could feel it probing my mind, well I couldn't really its a cow but I have been reading James Herbert a lot. They just stood there looking manky, a far cry from the shiny doe eyed cows that dance in the Anchor butter ads all covered in their own plop, even J4ckos mate makes more of an effort.
About half of the total had joined to stare me down but they soon got bored but the beige f*cker and its cronies just stood there, you cant tell what they are thinking, are they telepathic, are they saying to each other, "Daisy, you take the left, Ermintrude the right, stamp on the f*cker if he tries to move"
My fear turned to amusement, then anger, After 5 minutes of staring I was well pissed off, I started shouting at them, they remained impassive even when I called them all sorts of names, I made like I was getting out, again mindful of explaining why my ******* was split open at Wythenshawe hospital, they just stood there so I decided to be friendly and win them over with a stroke, I got close to the Beige one and she just shied away.
So, this went on for a while, 20 minutes or so, me getting very p1ssed off and getting ready for a night under the stars whilst my captors stood there, preying for milking time, I could wait, ok I have more on than a cow but then I dont get milked twice a day, well maybe I do but i don't need any help or complex machinery to do it
just some peace and quiet and a broadband...., too much detail perhaps....I was getting angry, I had tried everything, I only had one real option, so I got as close as I could, without alerting the Beige bitch of my intentions and swiftly brought my cycle helmet down on her snotty snout, hard but not lethally so, now this could have gone two ways, cow attack with maximum prejudice or as was the case, cow retreating, she did, at high speed with that dipped head they do, backwards and turning at the same time causing a collision with Daisy ending up with them both sprawling on the floor mooing like big babies, they got up and fooked off like the rest had done at high speed leaving me with an open field, I got over the barbed wire with minimal loss of *******, onto the bike, pedaling like mad, I felt I like Steve McQueen escaping the Germans, I allowed myself a look back once in the safety of the trees and there they were back to eating grass like nothing had happened.
So, always wear a cycle helmet, or wear trousers with a thin ring of barbed wire.
25 May 2008, 08:01 PM
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There's a thread on here somewhere about a stampede. If you haven't read it you should I am guessing you probably have hence your fear 
I would give you the link, but I am only a lowly minion and have no search facility to speak of.
I am guessing you probably have hence your fear I would give you the link, but I am only a lowly minion and have no search facility to speak of.
25 May 2008, 08:46 PM
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"Udder tossers" 
That reminds me of an old story....
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
That reminds me of an old story....
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
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25 May 2008, 08:47 PM
#8
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J4cko - your literary/comedy skills have returned
Any noobies who don't know, I'm sure somebody will dig out the threads. Amogst others in the Scoobynet post hall of fame!!
Dan
Any noobies who don't know, I'm sure somebody will dig out the threads. Amogst others in the Scoobynet post hall of fame!!
Dan
25 May 2008, 08:52 PM
#9
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LOL J4CKO 
Glad you can laugh about it now. Great read
I like cows and they are generally so timmid, but the thought of dozens of them hoofing in my direction is not a pleasant thought.
They are fecking huge close-up, aren't they? Could easily have broken a spoke on your bike And mashed your bollox.
Lucky man!
Richard.
Glad you can laugh about it now. Great read
I like cows and they are generally so timmid, but the thought of dozens of them hoofing in my direction is not a pleasant thought.
They are fecking huge close-up, aren't they? Could easily have broken a spoke on your bike
And mashed your bollox.Lucky man!
Richard.
25 May 2008, 09:26 PM
#10
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Nicely told Jacko
I've been in a similar situation when I was a kid on a bike... they looked even bigger and even meaner then
I've been in a similar situation when I was a kid on a bike... they looked even bigger and even meaner then
Very good read
25 May 2008, 10:04 PM
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I too have had a run in with an evil cow (other than the mother-in-law). There was one particular cow on the farm I used to go to, which liked to lean on people, smaller cows, goats etc. If you made the mistake of getting between it, and something solid, like a wall, it would just relax the legs on the side nearest to you, and use you as a comfy pillow.
I only made the mistake once, when in the milking parlour, fortunately the farmer was there, and a pointy stick up it's chocolate starfish convinced it to release me. A Scoobies worth of Big Mac material pressing your ribcage through a concrete block wall is an interesting experience.
Cow's aren't as dumb or cute as people think, I bet you the Beast of Bodmin is really Daisy in a balaclava.
I only made the mistake once, when in the milking parlour, fortunately the farmer was there, and a pointy stick up it's chocolate starfish convinced it to release me. A Scoobies worth of Big Mac material pressing your ribcage through a concrete block wall is an interesting experience.
Cow's aren't as dumb or cute as people think, I bet you the Beast of Bodmin is really Daisy in a balaclava.
26 May 2008, 10:46 AM
#16
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I enjoyed reading that one J4CKO. I think you were being worried for nothing, They are only inquisitive really and were probably hoping you were going to produce a bale of hay from your back pocket. I have been fishing many times only to find a whole herd standing close behind me watching my evety move
I have never known a cow wanting to attack over the years, if you ignore them or step towards them they usually back off. Bulls are worth a bit of respect though!
Les
I have never known a cow wanting to attack over the years, if you ignore them or step towards them they usually back off. Bulls are worth a bit of respect though!
Les
26 May 2008, 11:13 AM
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Great read J4cko
This joke is especially for Sonic
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by. "No" said the farmer "who?"
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"That was Thora Hird."
This joke is especially for Sonic
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by. "No" said the farmer "who?"
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"That was Thora Hird."
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