Swiss's Monday "cheer up you grumpy sods"
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Joined: Mar 2003
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From: In the Doghouse
Swiss's Monday "cheer up you grumpy sods"
Counseling
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked round the desk and, after asking
the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while
fondling her intimately.
The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in
a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week ... Can you manage to do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
Morals
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Red Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit
steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and
tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry
her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000
bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls father who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You **** her again."
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked round the desk and, after asking
the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while
fondling her intimately.
The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in
a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week ... Can you manage to do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
Morals
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Red Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit
steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and
tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry
her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000
bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls father who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You **** her again."
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Joined: May 2005
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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods were having a drink together when they got round to talking about golf. Stevie told Tiger he has learned to play the game and now considered himself to be quite good.
He asked him if he fancied a few rounds and to make it more interesting he was willing to play for a wager of $100,000.
Tiger Woods was now feeling a little uncomfortable by this proposition making all the excuses he could think of for not taking Stevies money off him, but Stevie was so insistant untill in the end Tiger accepted the challenge.
So Stevie said right any night next week then.
He asked him if he fancied a few rounds and to make it more interesting he was willing to play for a wager of $100,000.
Tiger Woods was now feeling a little uncomfortable by this proposition making all the excuses he could think of for not taking Stevies money off him, but Stevie was so insistant untill in the end Tiger accepted the challenge.
So Stevie said right any night next week then.
Scooby Regular
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 14,102
Likes: 0
From: Weston Super Mare, Somerset.
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods were having a drink together when they got round to talking about golf. Stevie told Tiger he has learned to play the game and now considered himself to be quite good.
He asked him if he fancied a few rounds and to make it more interesting he was willing to play for a wager of $100,000.
Tiger Woods was now feeling a little uncomfortable by this proposition making all the excuses he could think of for not taking Stevies money off him, but Stevie was so insistant untill in the end Tiger accepted the challenge.
So Stevie said right any night next week then.
He asked him if he fancied a few rounds and to make it more interesting he was willing to play for a wager of $100,000.
Tiger Woods was now feeling a little uncomfortable by this proposition making all the excuses he could think of for not taking Stevies money off him, but Stevie was so insistant untill in the end Tiger accepted the challenge.
So Stevie said right any night next week then.
(and thank you Swiss)
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