pimmo2000

iTrader: (6)

A Chav walks into the job centre and says "I'd really like a job". So the bloke behind the counter says, "Oh I've got one here that's just right for you... ten hours a week, 400 hundred thousand a year, no qualifications required."
So the chav's little face lights up and he says "You're joking right?", somewhat awed at the prospect of it all.
So the job centre bloke says "Well, you started it."

A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the pavement before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."


Paddy & Murphy are out looking for jobs when they pass a lumberjacks. Paddy goes up to the head lumberjack and asks if any jobs are going.
"Actually, we're after tree fellers right now." replied the lumberjack.
Paddy looked dissapointed and said, "Pity, there's only two of us."


Did you hear about the guy who had a job at the zoo circumcising elephants?

The wages were poor but the tips were huge.

NotoriousREV

I assume they are "New Old Stock" as they sure aren't this year's models

pimmo2000

iTrader: (6)

Go on then show me some new jokes ??

Leslie

The second one did make me laugh!

Les

Will

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little so he decides to, well, you know, 'pleasure' himself. So he's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he's just seen. Couple of minutes later, doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner. Vicar is understanably embarrased, and asks the man how much he owes him.

"50 quid" comes the reply.

"50 quid?!?" says the vicar, startled.

"Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."

So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way. Following week, the bishop's round for his supper and is having a wander 'round the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home.

He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you've got there vicar, who does them for you?"

"Guy from the village does them for me, does a great job," replies the vicar

"oh, yeah, how much does he charge you, then?"

"well," replies the vicar, "fifty quid, actually"

"fifty quid! blimey!" says the bishop, "he must have seen you coming!"

************************************************** ********

There is an Irishman,an Aussie and an American

all trying to become a detective, but only one could

join,and to prove their bravery they had to shoot their wife

So the Aussie walks in picked up the gun but he couldn't do it

so he was disqualified

Than it was the Americans turn so he walked in picked up the gun

but he couldn't do it either so he was disqualified

Now it was the Irishmans turn he walked in all of a sudden they heard a

crash.bang,crunch

When he finally came out they ask him what happened and he said I couldn't

shoot her so I bashed her to death with the chair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

************************************************** ********

Bush and Cheney Lunch
spacer

Bush and Cheney are at a restaurant for lunch. The waitress comes over and asks what they will be having.

Bush says, "I'll have a quickie."

The waitress steps back in disgust and says, "Mr. President, I thought that kind of piggish behavior went out with the last administration!"

She storms off and Dubya looks confused. Cheney shakes his head at the president and says, "George, it's pronounced QUICHE."

Leslie

I am sure its an old one, but I larfed!


The Hillbilly Hunter
A smart ol' hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the back of his pickup truck, and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden, who hated hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, so the hillbilly pulled out a Oklahoma hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt and said, "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt and said, "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got an Arkansas license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Arkansas hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt and said, "This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina, You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from, boy?"

The hillbilly bent over, dropped his pants and said, "You tell me. You're the expert."

Les