Dream Weaver

OK, calling on the Scoobynet font of knowledge, cos this is a tricky situation and tonight I have to have a very difficult conversation with my parents.

My son was born in March and is now approaching 7 months old - he's perfect in every way and is my total and utter reason for living now - nothing else comes close to him.

My family are big smokers, always have been and that used to include me. My wife also smoked when I first met her but she gave up over 6 years back.

I have always been a moderate smoker, on about 10-15 rollies a day and NEVER smoked in the house or in the car. As soon as my son was born I didn't want him to associate me with the smell of smoke, so on the way to pick my wife and son up from the hospital, and after visiting the florist (), I went to the chemist and bought some patches.

I've now been smoke free for almost 7 months, and although the cravings have been bad sometimes I have never longed for a smoke, and will NEVER smoke again its such a silly thing to do - in fact I'm becoming one of those ex-smokers/anti-smokers that now just hates seeing people smoking

So to the issue.

My wife and I are back at work now and 4 days a week my son is looked after in turn by my wife's parents (they are separated so have him separately). That works out great as they are all retired and non smokers, but on Thursdays he goes off with my parents.

They are heavy smokers!! 30-40 a day each and have smoked for 40 years. They promised not to smoke around our son when he was born, which they have stuck to and they even redecorated their lounge and don't smoke in there so we can have a spare room but they still smoke throughout the rest of their house and even in their car and the lounge still smells of smoke!!

We haven't visited them that much this past 4-5 years, even though they live a mile away, as even though I was a smoker it was me (and not my wife) that just hated the smell of smoke in their house - it made me sick and made my eyes water after just half an hour. Now I'm not a smoker its even worse.

They've been away this past fortnight, but the last time they had my son for the day he came back reaking of **** and I couldn't get rid of the smell all night long and it broke my heart. I had to throw all the supplies away that we had sent to them as they stunk, and whenever they buy him a toy we have to put it outside to air for 2 days before he can have it. They totally smell of stale smoke all the time, even when they come to our house we have to open windows afterwards.

It's their first grandchild, and they are besotted by him and really look forward to taking him out on Thursdays, but I cant let it happen now.

So, tonight I have to go see them and try and explain that we don't want our son in a smokey atmosphere, which basically means their house and their car - unfortunately the same goes for my sister who also smokes in house/car.

It's a nightmare as we are a close family but we can't be together as I DON'T want my son being surrounded by smoke. It's also sad that statistically one of my parents will be dead within 10 years if they carry on and won't see my son grow up But, they are so blinkered and in such denial that smoking is OK that I don't think I will crack them - my mum is worst as she just defends smoking to the end

Anyone been in this situation? What should I do, and what course should I take the conversation in?

I haven't been able to sleep properly for over 8 weeks since this nightmare began, I wish they would just ban smoking full stop

I'm probably being over protective, but I just want the whole thing to be over with. Even if they stop smoking in house/car they will still smell of smoke themselves and I can't see them giving up anytime soon.

TIA, Simon

wrxsti280

iTrader: (6)

i am in a similar position, except it is me that is the smoker and my son is due to be born on 27th december, my father smokes, but no other member of the family apart from me does. i fully intend to give up befire he arrives, but my father is an avid smoker and has been for approx 50 years, so no chance of him giving up.

if i was you, i would feel the same way, but the easiest way is to simply stop going round there altogether and make alternative arrangements for the care of your child on thursdays, your parents will soon start asking why they arnt being included, especially if they are as besotted by him as you make out.

there is no easy way of broching the subject but hopefully you will get through it.

turbomatt

iTrader: (1)

Its simple mate! Either put up with the smell, after all i cant see him coming to any harm IF they dont smoke near him or in the house when he's there?
Or if you cant deal with the smokey smell then they dont see him until they stop completely.
Neither option is an easy one but i dont see an alternative

turbomatt

iTrader: (1)

FWIW my parents smoke in their house and they have my 8 month old on a friday but he dosent come home stinking of smoke strangely as they only ligh up outside when he's there!

Devildog

Sounds like the are smoking around him DW.

turbomatt

iTrader: (1)

Indeed, i cant see him coming home reaking of **** if they make sure they dont smoke in the house on a thurs or when he's there.

Dream Weaver

They will smoke in the house when's he there, but they go and smoke in the kitchen while he's in the lounge. They will think this is enough, but to me it isn't.

Problem is, they smoked in the house when they brought me up so they just won't see the issue - they are old skool types. Even though I'm now addicted to nicotine forever

They just don't smoke in his vicinity but there house stinks of **** so it obviously drifts through.

SJ_Skyline

DW - first off, well done for quitting!

Nightmare scenario though, I guess it's a question of how you tell the story to your folks. I'm sure they will understand when you explain that it's your boy's interests that you are looking out for and nothing else. As you said in your second paragraph, he's the centre of your life now.


Best of luck

turbomatt

iTrader: (1)

This probably wont do the little fella any harm as such but would probably make him stink of ****! Do you realy want to deny your parents the right to see their grandson because of a stale smell? personally i would just ahave a freindly chat with them and ask if they can rfrain from smoking in the house on a thursday.That should please you and it wont be too bi a burden on them to go outside once a week?

DrEvil

DW - I don't think your over reacting mate, I'm a smoker, but I don't smoke even in my house - because I don't like the smell it leaves and also don't feel anyone should have to put up with it. My friends regularly bring their kids round my house, so it just isn't on.

I guess you can't expect them to change their habits in their house, but you can choose not to put your child in that situation.

Hope you get it sorted. Alex

53

iTrader: (41)

I agree 100% with no smoking but they are helping you out are they not ?

From experience in an identical situation with grandparents its not worth the aggro and resentment TBH.

Find alternative childcare for Thursdays and grin and bear it when you visit as a family.

No easy way to please all parites in these cases, as they say, you might be right, but can you live with the outcome of being right?

Brendan Hughes

Buy and install a cheap but powerful kitchen extractor fan somewhere, tell them on Thursday mornings before son comes they are only allowed to have their cigs under that? Not sure about the car though.

If you can look towards some sort of constructive solution, rather than banning them, it looks better on your part. Nevertheless, health of one so young comes above your parents, sorry.

Horrible situation, good luck with it.

(My daughter is 18 mths now so I can guess how you feel)

vindaloo

Start preparing the way for an exit or resolution now....

Mention he smelled of smoke and so did his stuff.
Remind them that you have problems with the smell of smoke and your eyes watering.
Sound regretful, get your other half to do the same.

Reads like you need to find other arrangements for the little one though...

Make the GPs aware that you are not excluding them from seeing the little one and that they'll still see him at family occasions etc. Just not every week, like.

J.

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

My mum smokes but not around the kids, sometimes they come back a bit smokey but not reeking, my father in law smokes cigars all the time but generally he keeps away from the kids.

I think nowadays due to the legislation and people stopping we are very sensitive to the smell, its just not a usual smell anymore, everything reeked of **** in the seventies, when our next door neighbour has a crafty one, we can smell it in the house, must come through the airbrick.

The odd exposure to it wont really do him any harm, prolonged exposure to smoke isnt good but if they smoke away from him its not as bad, I think its mainly just the fact the smell clinging to his clothes, little ones should just not smell like an ashtray.

They arent going to stop, they can be as careful as they want but if there is smoking around he will come back smelling of **** and your parents will not be able to detect it as they are so used to it.

Your only options are to either get used to it or put him in a non smoking nursery, I would imagine most nurseries are non smoking these days, except a couple in Glasgow perhaps ?

bugeyeandy

If you work, why don't you ask them to come and look after him round your house instead of taking him to theirs?
Tell the parents they aren't allowed to smoke in your house. Problem solved.

StickyMicky

urrrghhh this thread has me sitting here in the office and i can almost smell the pikey gas

it makes my stomach turn, and i can feel physically sick when the smell of stale **** hits my nose

i wouldn't have a clue how to approach it, you are never going to get used to the smell, so you will have to mention it.

smokers just don't seam to realise how bad they smell, like proper oblivious to the fact that they stink

i have a mate who gave up when the smoking ban came in, and now hes "clean" the smell of smoke makes him sick

ChrisGrant

^^^Very good idea!!!^^^^6

They have to agree to your wants think people did with them when they raised you!

Even after finishing smoking a cig you are still breathing harmful air out of your lungs (especially a baby) can take up to 3 hours before your lungs clear!!!!
My stepfather has to smoke in the conservatory with the door shut no were else sometimes you can smell it but very rarely.



hope you get it sorted good luck and well done again!

Dream Weaver

We have no issue with childcare as my dad-in-law wants an extra day each week so he's currently "negotiating" with my mum-in-law (his ex) to take one of her 3 days Its not really a matter of childcare needs though, I DO want him to spend days with my parents as my own grandparents were useless so I spent a childhood without any so to speak - they lived close by but I only ever saw them a few times a year - I didn't want the same to happen here.

So if they won't change we have him there to take the Thursday slot. I work from home, so having my parents up here on a Thursday really would be a nightmare for productivity as they like to natter at the best of times

I just don't know what to do - its not just the smell - I keep finding websites saying how the cyanide and formaldehyde in ciggies sticks to furniture, clothes, curtains etc and that's just awful.

Brendan Hughes

Simon, you'll find websites that put the fear of god into you about the simplest things. At 7mths you're right to worry, by the time he's 14mths he'll be eating mud with no ill effects, I guarantee it. Be prepared

Nigel H

DW.

To start let's say that there's no body more anti-smoking than me. I hate the smell and it stopped me from going into pubs altogether as I grew to hate it more.

I have an eight year old son and my mum smoked until last year when she packed up after 40+ years. So I can feel your predicament.

However I do feel that you should put a bit of perspective on the situation. He's their only grandchild and will mean a lot them, in the same that he means a lot to you. Also, who knows how you'll need them in the coming years. So chill out a bit, as others have said he's unlikely to come to much harm.

I used to hate staying with my mum 'cos of all the smells, but I just used to wear old clothes and accept that I'd have to wash everything after I'd been there. I also left anything in the car I didn't need to take in the house.

Dracoro

Enough to not smoke anywhere near said grandchild?

PeteBrant

Well quite - It doesn't take much effort not to smoke around someone - Especially a baby. Just go outside for ****s sake.


In fact that's what I would say to them.

Dream Weaver

Should I add the FFS?

Thanks for the advice so far everyone, keep it coming please.

ScoobyDoo555

Agreed Pete, but it's difficult to enforce when the child is in their care.....

personally, I'd take the approach of explaining why you don't want them smoking around their grandson, and ask them for advice as to how you all can get round the problem.....

It's a tough one, but reason should prevail. The harder issue is if they agree that smoking shouldn't happen around the child, what to do when the child comes home stinking of ciggies......

That is a course of action that needs alot of thought. Perhaps you and your good lady should take a united approach with this.....

Tough one - best of luck with it..

Dan

spireite

Im an ex smoker i packed up 16 months ago .I never smoked in the house though not only for the kids health but to save me painting when the walls go yellow . Not an easy one DW , cant you kit the little one out with a t shirt with the words " please dont kill me with your *** smoke smelly" . You never know the guilt thing might work

DCI Gene Hunt

Get them to smoke cigars instead.... I love the smell of those, and maybe you will to

Seriously though, I don't smoke.... but I hate born agains... the old fake *cough* when someone 100 yards away goes to spark up! You're just mean if you don't let them see the baby... whats a bit of a smokey smell compared to the love of your parents??

You'll be banning BBQ's and cheap aftershave next

fivetide

iTrader: (1)

40 a day for 40 years? The anti smoking crowd would have you believe they would have died years ago already!

That tells you it is unlikely to do much harm but that said, he shouldn't be smelling like an ashtray. I think you are quite right to ask them to go outside for one day a week and not smoke in the car.

5t.

Lee247

DW,
As an ex smoker, you will be super sensitive to the smell. I am sure your parents are not smoking anywhere near their Grandchild. Best thing to do, is make light of it, commenting that he was a bit wiffy last time you picked him up. They will love him to bits and not want to miss out on looking after him.
When my kids were babies, they were looked after by my Aunt and she smoked. I never smelt anything on the kids tho' so, have no idea where she went for a quick ***.
Good luck

Leslie

Very difficult situation and as an ex smoker I can understand just how you feel.

Only you know your own parents but I think you have to meet it head on for your baby's sake but in a diplomatic manner. They certainly must have tried hard in the first place and if you go about it the right way, they might well get it sorted as you would like it.

You might even do them a favour and get them on the road to stopping anyway!

Les

rb5_336

it will affect him, so i'd get him out of there. I'd not let my son now nearly 3 anywhere near that type if situation