If Swiss and Paul can do them.
29 September 2007, 11:58 AM
#1
Scooby Regular
Thread Starter
If Swiss and Paul can do them.
so can i 
A man walks into a fish and chip shop with
a fish under his arm.
"Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks.
"Yes, of course," says the fish shop owner.
"Great," replies the man, nodding at
the fish under his arm, "It's his birthday.
A man walks into a fish and chip shop with
a fish under his arm.
"Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks.
"Yes, of course," says the fish shop owner.
"Great," replies the man, nodding at
the fish under his arm, "It's his birthday.
29 September 2007, 12:12 PM
#4
Scooby Regular
Thread Starter
i didnt promise you'd laugh
try this one.
John was an everyday geezer, except that he had a wooden eye. This unsightly afflction had troubled him so much over the years that he was finding it hard to meet women. Alas, eventually he found slavation in the form of an online dating agency dedicated to finding love for the physically unfortunate, the ugly.
After some deliberation he decided to set up a date with a young woman who's only deformity was that her mouth was positioned vertically at the bottom of her face, rather than horizontally like everyone else. Strange, he admitted, but what did he have to lose?
The night comes, and everything is going swimmingly. They meet in the designated bar, and after a few drinks the two of them are getting along great-guns. John decides it would be a shame for the night to end early:
"How do you fancy popping out for a bite to eat when we leave here?" he asked.
Flattered by the invitation, the young women exclaimed, "Oh would I ?!?!?"
"Don't call me WOOD EYE, C*NTFACE!!" came John's angry reply.
try this one.
John was an everyday geezer, except that he had a wooden eye. This unsightly afflction had troubled him so much over the years that he was finding it hard to meet women. Alas, eventually he found slavation in the form of an online dating agency dedicated to finding love for the physically unfortunate, the ugly.
After some deliberation he decided to set up a date with a young woman who's only deformity was that her mouth was positioned vertically at the bottom of her face, rather than horizontally like everyone else. Strange, he admitted, but what did he have to lose?
The night comes, and everything is going swimmingly. They meet in the designated bar, and after a few drinks the two of them are getting along great-guns. John decides it would be a shame for the night to end early:
"How do you fancy popping out for a bite to eat when we leave here?" he asked.
Flattered by the invitation, the young women exclaimed, "Oh would I ?!?!?"
"Don't call me WOOD EYE, C*NTFACE!!" came John's angry reply.
29 September 2007, 12:14 PM
#5
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i didnt promise you'd laugh
try this one.
John was an everyday geezer, except that he had a wooden eye. This unsightly afflction had troubled him so much over the years that he was finding it hard to meet women. Alas, eventually he found slavation in the form of an online dating agency dedicated to finding love for the physically unfortunate, the ugly.
After some deliberation he decided to set up a date with a young woman who's only deformity was that her mouth was positioned vertically at the bottom of her face, rather than horizontally like everyone else. Strange, he admitted, but what did he have to lose?
The night comes, and everything is going swimmingly. They meet in the designated bar, and after a few drinks the two of them are getting along great-guns. John decides it would be a shame for the night to end early:
"How do you fancy popping out for a bite to eat when we leave here?" he asked.
Flattered by the invitation, the young women exclaimed, "Oh would I ?!?!?"
"Don't call me WOOD EYE, C*NTFACE!!" came John's angry reply.
try this one.
John was an everyday geezer, except that he had a wooden eye. This unsightly afflction had troubled him so much over the years that he was finding it hard to meet women. Alas, eventually he found slavation in the form of an online dating agency dedicated to finding love for the physically unfortunate, the ugly.
After some deliberation he decided to set up a date with a young woman who's only deformity was that her mouth was positioned vertically at the bottom of her face, rather than horizontally like everyone else. Strange, he admitted, but what did he have to lose?
The night comes, and everything is going swimmingly. They meet in the designated bar, and after a few drinks the two of them are getting along great-guns. John decides it would be a shame for the night to end early:
"How do you fancy popping out for a bite to eat when we leave here?" he asked.
Flattered by the invitation, the young women exclaimed, "Oh would I ?!?!?"
"Don't call me WOOD EYE, C*NTFACE!!" came John's angry reply.
.... now that's funny
29 September 2007, 12:19 PM
#7
i didnt promise you'd laugh
try this one.
John was an everyday geezer, except that he had a wooden eye. This unsightly afflction had troubled him so much over the years that he was finding it hard to meet women. Alas, eventually he found slavation in the form of an online dating agency dedicated to finding love for the physically unfortunate, the ugly.
After some deliberation he decided to set up a date with a young woman who's only deformity was that her mouth was positioned vertically at the bottom of her face, rather than horizontally like everyone else. Strange, he admitted, but what did he have to lose?
The night comes, and everything is going swimmingly. They meet in the designated bar, and after a few drinks the two of them are getting along great-guns. John decides it would be a shame for the night to end early:
"How do you fancy popping out for a bite to eat when we leave here?" he asked.
Flattered by the invitation, the young women exclaimed, "Oh would I ?!?!?"
"Don't call me WOOD EYE, C*NTFACE!!" came John's angry reply.
try this one.
John was an everyday geezer, except that he had a wooden eye. This unsightly afflction had troubled him so much over the years that he was finding it hard to meet women. Alas, eventually he found slavation in the form of an online dating agency dedicated to finding love for the physically unfortunate, the ugly.
After some deliberation he decided to set up a date with a young woman who's only deformity was that her mouth was positioned vertically at the bottom of her face, rather than horizontally like everyone else. Strange, he admitted, but what did he have to lose?
The night comes, and everything is going swimmingly. They meet in the designated bar, and after a few drinks the two of them are getting along great-guns. John decides it would be a shame for the night to end early:
"How do you fancy popping out for a bite to eat when we leave here?" he asked.
Flattered by the invitation, the young women exclaimed, "Oh would I ?!?!?"
"Don't call me WOOD EYE, C*NTFACE!!" came John's angry reply.
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29 September 2007, 12:25 PM
#11
Scooby Regular
Thread Starter
i havent sent you an email have i 
A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living.
Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."
Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."
All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"
Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue, and sh*t on the carpet."
29 September 2007, 12:43 PM
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29 September 2007, 12:44 PM
#19
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Thread Starter
Two little kids are in hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid replies "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and icecream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid says "A circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year!"
The second kid replies "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and icecream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid says "A circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year!"
29 September 2007, 12:47 PM
#23
Scooby Regular
Thread Starter
Youre married right ? whats the problem ? clothes, car or food shopping, only one of them would make me think of excuses.
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash. The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.
When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker.
The man said, "Yeah."
The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"
The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
clothes, car or food shopping, only one of them would make me think of excuses.A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash. The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.
When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker.
The man said, "Yeah."
The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"
The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
29 September 2007, 12:58 PM
#24
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29 September 2007, 01:01 PM
#25
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Two Jocks, Bruce and Tam were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold beer or three.
After checking their pockets and finding only 50 pence, Bruce came up with a brilliant strategy. 'I'll take the 50 pence and show you how we can drink all day for free!'
Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Tam's fly. They then went to a nearby hotel. 'Two beers' said Bruce to the bartender.
They downed them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money.
All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Tam's fly. 'Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!' the bartender screamed and booted them out the door.
They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs.
'I just can't do this anymore', Bruce whined. 'My knees are getting sore from kneeling, we'll call it quits...now where's the sausage?'.
Tam replied. 'I lost it after the third pub.'
After checking their pockets and finding only 50 pence, Bruce came up with a brilliant strategy. 'I'll take the 50 pence and show you how we can drink all day for free!'
Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Tam's fly. They then went to a nearby hotel. 'Two beers' said Bruce to the bartender.
They downed them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money.
All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Tam's fly. 'Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!' the bartender screamed and booted them out the door.
They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs.
'I just can't do this anymore', Bruce whined. 'My knees are getting sore from kneeling, we'll call it quits...now where's the sausage?'.
Tam replied. 'I lost it after the third pub.'
29 September 2007, 01:12 PM
#27
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Talking of eyes.....
An old pirate was sitting in the corner of the bar telling tales of old and how he had lost his arm - he had a hook - one of his legs - and why he had a patch over an eye socket.
"Well a shark took my leg off and I lost my arm to a cutlasse" he said.
"But what about the eye asked a fellow drinker?"
"Ah well I was looking skywards when an albatross shat on my face"
"But surely you wouldn't lose an eye from just bird mess would you?" asked the drinker.
To which the pirate replied. "Well perhaps not but I only got the hook fitted the day before"
An old pirate was sitting in the corner of the bar telling tales of old and how he had lost his arm - he had a hook - one of his legs - and why he had a patch over an eye socket.
"Well a shark took my leg off and I lost my arm to a cutlasse" he said.
"But what about the eye asked a fellow drinker?"
"Ah well I was looking skywards when an albatross shat on my face"
"But surely you wouldn't lose an eye from just bird mess would you?" asked the drinker.
To which the pirate replied. "Well perhaps not but I only got the hook fitted the day before"
29 September 2007, 02:51 PM
#29
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Two Jocks, Bruce and Tam were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold beer or three.
After checking their pockets and finding only 50 pence, Bruce came up with a brilliant strategy. 'I'll take the 50 pence and show you how we can drink all day for free!'
Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Tam's fly. They then went to a nearby hotel. 'Two beers' said Bruce to the bartender.
They downed them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money.
All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Tam's fly. 'Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!' the bartender screamed and booted them out the door.
They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs.
'I just can't do this anymore', Bruce whined. 'My knees are getting sore from kneeling, we'll call it quits...now where's the sausage?'.
Tam replied. 'I lost it after the third pub.'
After checking their pockets and finding only 50 pence, Bruce came up with a brilliant strategy. 'I'll take the 50 pence and show you how we can drink all day for free!'
Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Tam's fly. They then went to a nearby hotel. 'Two beers' said Bruce to the bartender.
They downed them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money.
All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Tam's fly. 'Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!' the bartender screamed and booted them out the door.
They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs.
'I just can't do this anymore', Bruce whined. 'My knees are getting sore from kneeling, we'll call it quits...now where's the sausage?'.
Tam replied. 'I lost it after the third pub.'
Les
