Sleep, and the odds against it.
18 August 2007, 10:11 AM
#1
Sleep, and the odds against it.
One, or all of the following happens,
A 1/2 pound Bumblebee gets in and gets stuck between the curtains and the window, unable to find its way out, it found its way in against much longer odds but despite hammering away for ages it cannot find the opening window which is about 10% of the total area of the total window area, nothing like removing a large angry Bee when groggy with a cup, a copy of Autocar and a Semi, still any passing neighbour would have a laugh.
Some **** decides to give our youngest a kids alarm clock, well thank you very much, an alarm set by someone with little concept of time and the ability to sleep through earthquakes, so at 4.23 am it goes off, you get up and go and switch it off and he is there snoring whilst it goes off still in his sweaty little hands.
The Milkman in his Flatbed transit on open headers, with sqealing alternator belt and brakes arrives and has a half hour stop start session up and down the road, whats wrong with F*ckin Sainsbury's ?
Smoke alarm battery goes at 3am, bip............................................... ..................................bip............. ...........................
I swear these things have clocks in them and only go off at 3am, and motion detectors so they can shut up when you go near.
My wife's aged Samsung E300 decides its time for its yearly charge and makes a jangling noise that my missus sleeps through.
J4cko's mate texts you something that suggests he may be in Manchester and very probably has been 'pushing the envelope', Pushing the envelope just means drinking lots of beer and then bestowing the gift of a Donner kebab on his sleeping wife when he gets in at 2am, like the Milk Tray man only drunker.
My Nokia N80 has a small lighthouse built in, Nokia think of everything, if I leave it in the wrong place it lights the room up every five seconds, it has to be covered with a suitable piece of discarded clothing to cover the 100 watt led, that is why if you buy one of my old phones it may smell slightly of pants.
Chinese Meal, we decide that we should get a Chinese meal and have a few drinks seeing as we don't have to get up, you get two hours of vivid and bizarre dreams followed by being awake for the next five due to MSG poisoning, a lady in our local Chinese ordered hers with no salt and no MSG, she received a metal tray with a solitary water chestnut in it.
Indian Meal, lie their sweating and doing farts that you don't even enjoy yourself.
Pizza, lie there regretting eating 12 square yards of Pepperoni Passion, vowing to never ever order from Dominos again.
Beer, sleep for an hour, wake up, go for a p1ss, drink eight gallons of water from the tap, repeat until dawn.
Heat, not a problem recently granted !
PRIVATE NUMBER, why is it anyone who rings at 2am and mumbles something (usually in Urdu) you cant understand and puts the phone down making an indignant noise at you for not being the intended recipient of the call. Having made you **** yourself always has PRIVATE NUMBER or Withheld in the call log when you decide to return the favour ?
Howard Hughes, we live near the airport but generally away from the flightpath, yet some weekdays a twin prop aircraft goes past very low on full throttle at about 12:30 pm, it always sounds like its looking for somewhere to crash, it returns at about 5am.
Birds, 3am, tweet, tweet f*ckin tweety tweet, they wake you up at 3am and then go silent soon after ?
The neighbours, they kick their guests out who are very loud and seem to own a car with 18 doors and will laugh, very loudly at just about anything. The woman over the road laughs like a big old Crow which starts real Crows off.
Cats, what sounds like a deaf Chinese lady singing show tunes is actually two cats having a territory dispute, you cant explain to cats that they own no territory and would never get a mortgage anyway, you want to throw something at them but realise you have no old boots with the sole flapping off and you aren't in a cartoon, when I have managed to aim something at them they stop for 0.0001 of a second and then resume their discussion for another twenty minutes until it reaches a viscous sounding crescendo and abruptly stops and has you looking for dead cats and cat body parts in the morning, sometimes the local Fox gets involved.
Snoring, sometimes its like lying next to a Hoover with a marble stuck in the tube.
Kids, they wake you up to tell you they have had a nightmare which I can cope with buts its when they go
"I feel S"
The "ick" being lost as several gallons of stomach contents emerges from them.
The Dog, scratch, scratch, snuffle, snuffle, crash, yelp, whimper, you go down expecting a dead dog or some mess and she just looks up, dont know why she cant see, then sniffs the air like Hanibal Lechter and gives you a look that says, 'What the F*ck do you want", you let her out in case she needs a poo and then she decides to do her border patrol of the whole garden, have you ever tried getting a blind deaf black dog in at night, you cant shout cos its the middle of the night and she wont hear you anyway, you cant see her as she dissapears being black (more grey nowadays) and it being night and then she cant find her way back to the door (though she does better than a Bee), so you go out to try and get her and thats when barefoot you find the Slug....
A 1/2 pound Bumblebee gets in and gets stuck between the curtains and the window, unable to find its way out, it found its way in against much longer odds but despite hammering away for ages it cannot find the opening window which is about 10% of the total area of the total window area, nothing like removing a large angry Bee when groggy with a cup, a copy of Autocar and a Semi, still any passing neighbour would have a laugh.
Some **** decides to give our youngest a kids alarm clock, well thank you very much, an alarm set by someone with little concept of time and the ability to sleep through earthquakes, so at 4.23 am it goes off, you get up and go and switch it off and he is there snoring whilst it goes off still in his sweaty little hands.
The Milkman in his Flatbed transit on open headers, with sqealing alternator belt and brakes arrives and has a half hour stop start session up and down the road, whats wrong with F*ckin Sainsbury's ?
Smoke alarm battery goes at 3am, bip............................................... ..................................bip............. ...........................
I swear these things have clocks in them and only go off at 3am, and motion detectors so they can shut up when you go near.
My wife's aged Samsung E300 decides its time for its yearly charge and makes a jangling noise that my missus sleeps through.
J4cko's mate texts you something that suggests he may be in Manchester and very probably has been 'pushing the envelope', Pushing the envelope just means drinking lots of beer and then bestowing the gift of a Donner kebab on his sleeping wife when he gets in at 2am, like the Milk Tray man only drunker.
My Nokia N80 has a small lighthouse built in, Nokia think of everything, if I leave it in the wrong place it lights the room up every five seconds, it has to be covered with a suitable piece of discarded clothing to cover the 100 watt led, that is why if you buy one of my old phones it may smell slightly of pants.
Chinese Meal, we decide that we should get a Chinese meal and have a few drinks seeing as we don't have to get up, you get two hours of vivid and bizarre dreams followed by being awake for the next five due to MSG poisoning, a lady in our local Chinese ordered hers with no salt and no MSG, she received a metal tray with a solitary water chestnut in it.
Indian Meal, lie their sweating and doing farts that you don't even enjoy yourself.
Pizza, lie there regretting eating 12 square yards of Pepperoni Passion, vowing to never ever order from Dominos again.
Beer, sleep for an hour, wake up, go for a p1ss, drink eight gallons of water from the tap, repeat until dawn.
Heat, not a problem recently granted !
PRIVATE NUMBER, why is it anyone who rings at 2am and mumbles something (usually in Urdu) you cant understand and puts the phone down making an indignant noise at you for not being the intended recipient of the call. Having made you **** yourself always has PRIVATE NUMBER or Withheld in the call log when you decide to return the favour ?
Howard Hughes, we live near the airport but generally away from the flightpath, yet some weekdays a twin prop aircraft goes past very low on full throttle at about 12:30 pm, it always sounds like its looking for somewhere to crash, it returns at about 5am.
Birds, 3am, tweet, tweet f*ckin tweety tweet, they wake you up at 3am and then go silent soon after ?
The neighbours, they kick their guests out who are very loud and seem to own a car with 18 doors and will laugh, very loudly at just about anything. The woman over the road laughs like a big old Crow which starts real Crows off.
Cats, what sounds like a deaf Chinese lady singing show tunes is actually two cats having a territory dispute, you cant explain to cats that they own no territory and would never get a mortgage anyway, you want to throw something at them but realise you have no old boots with the sole flapping off and you aren't in a cartoon, when I have managed to aim something at them they stop for 0.0001 of a second and then resume their discussion for another twenty minutes until it reaches a viscous sounding crescendo and abruptly stops and has you looking for dead cats and cat body parts in the morning, sometimes the local Fox gets involved.
Snoring, sometimes its like lying next to a Hoover with a marble stuck in the tube.
Kids, they wake you up to tell you they have had a nightmare which I can cope with buts its when they go
"I feel S"
The "ick" being lost as several gallons of stomach contents emerges from them.
The Dog, scratch, scratch, snuffle, snuffle, crash, yelp, whimper, you go down expecting a dead dog or some mess and she just looks up, dont know why she cant see, then sniffs the air like Hanibal Lechter and gives you a look that says, 'What the F*ck do you want", you let her out in case she needs a poo and then she decides to do her border patrol of the whole garden, have you ever tried getting a blind deaf black dog in at night, you cant shout cos its the middle of the night and she wont hear you anyway, you cant see her as she dissapears being black (more grey nowadays) and it being night and then she cant find her way back to the door (though she does better than a Bee), so you go out to try and get her and thats when barefoot you find the Slug....
18 August 2007, 11:16 AM
#3
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PRIVATE NUMBER, why is it anyone who rings at 2am and mumbles something (usually in Urdu) you cant understand and puts the phone down making an indignant noise at you for not being the intended recipient of the call. Having made you **** yourself always has PRIVATE NUMBER or Withheld in the call log when you decide to return the favour ?
The above happened to me at 3.30am,i was a bit pished off.
18 August 2007, 11:31 AM
#4
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And theres never an apology at 2:30 am that they've rung a wrong number...
just an indignant harumph before they hang up...
I once had a "forces" establishment ring me at 2am for a taxi....
suffice to say i wasn't happy...
i phoned them back next day... and told them what i thought of there early morning call...
they havent made the same mistake again
Mart
just an indignant harumph before they hang up...
I once had a "forces" establishment ring me at 2am for a taxi....
suffice to say i wasn't happy...
i phoned them back next day... and told them what i thought of there early morning call...
they havent made the same mistake again
Mart
18 August 2007, 12:20 PM
#6
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Howard Hughes, we live near the airport but generally away from the flightpath, yet some weekdays a twin prop aircraft goes past very low on full throttle at about 12:30 pm, it always sounds like its looking for somewhere to crash, it returns at about 5am.
astraboy.
18 August 2007, 12:47 PM
#7
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Woke up with a fcukin leaking roof at 6am this morning, whats the odds against that
Foofin rain
I had to go up on the ladders & secure it to stop it leaking, builders arent back till monday.
Foofin rain
I had to go up on the ladders & secure it to stop it leaking, builders arent back till monday.
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