SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

Heard this one years ago, but still makes me chuckle

Why Parents Drink
One day a boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper "Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes" whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered "No"
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered "No".
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes" whispered the child "A Policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the Policeman?"
"No, he's busy" whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman" came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried about what was happening at the house, the boss heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone and asked "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What IS going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly
apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered "The search team just landed a helicopter".
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked "What are they searching for ?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.................

















"ME"

davegtt

Scotsman

iTrader: (3)

Superb

Prince Popeye

About as funny as toothache. The joke is straight out of 'crack a joke' rubbish.

Chip Sengravy

Johnny and his class mates had all been asked to bring something to school to show the class that would explain what their father did for a living. Everybody was impressed by Johnny's oxy-acetylene torch and face mask. After school Johnny waited outside the gates for his mother to collect him. A stranger approached.

"Hello" said the stranger, "You look like a nice boy, I'm supposed to take you home"

"OK" says Johnny and happily trots off with the strange fellow. Along the way the stranger asks "Have you ever heard the word *****?"

"No" replies Johnny.

"Have you ever heard the word masturbation?"

"No" replies Johnny.

"How about sodomy?"









"Look mister," says Johnny "I'm not a real welder"

mrtheedge2u2

Two parrots are sat on a perch.... one turns round and says "can you smell fish?" hahahahahahahahahahaha

Abdabz

The best joke in the world ever is:

A man walks into a butchers shop and asks for 2lbs of kiddlys
"Don't you mean kidneys?" asks the butcher
To which the man replies "I said kiddlys diddle I?"



There will never be a better joke than that ever

SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

almost as crap as your heckle

B0DSKI

iTrader: (17)

IMO The best joke ever (even better with Billy connolly telling it) is..........Theres this bloke walking along at the Olympics with a big stick on his shoulder, another man spots him and walks up to him and says "ah you must be a pole vaulter"......To which the other man replys "no i'm German, and how'd you know my name was Vaulter"

jaytc2003

iTrader: (1)

you cant beat a dyslexic man walks into a bra.

speedking

King Harold "Be careful, you'll have someone's eye out with that bow and arrow."

RoShamBo

iTrader: (1)

3 Slightly deaf old men walking down a road....

Old man 1) Windy today isn't.......
Old man 2) Not it isn't, its Thursday....
Old man 3) Me too, lets go for a pint.

wheelwright

What do you call a f@nny, on top of a f@nny, on top of a f@nny ?







A block of flaps !

wheelwright

A drunk walks into a clock shop & sees a gorgeous female assistant,

He staggers over to her and slaps his **** straight on the counter.

"Sir, this is a clock shop, NOT a feckin **** shop!" says the assistant.

"I know that, now get two hands and a fecking face on that!!" he replies

Kuro

STi-Frenchie

Celine Dion walks into a bar, barman says "Why the long face?"

Leslie

Good one SwissT, and a good few of the others too.

Les

wazo'swrx

iTrader: (1)

My mate went to a muslim party the other night and said to me " musical chairs was slow but f u c k me pass the parcel was quick ........."

merlin24

iTrader: (1)

Quasimodo laying at the bottom of the Cathedral in a broken crumpled heap - he looks up to Esmeralda standing on the roof and says:
"That's not what i meant when i said Toss me Off"

Chip Sengravy

Quasi just got his redundancy notice from Notre Damme Church Bell Ringing Co.

He got 6 moths back pay in a lump sum





A white horse goes up to a bar.

The barman says, "hey, we've got a whiskey named after you!"

The horse says, "what?, Colin? "

Drunken Bungle Whore

A bloke walks into a bar
"OW!"

Shakespeare walks into a bar and orders a drink.
"I can't serve you" says the barman "You're bard!"

mike1210

Mum picks her son up from school. Driving home, a ***** files past the window

Mummy mummy was was that said the child

The mother, slightly embarrased said "oh, that was a fly son"

"A FLY!!!!" replied the son...."did you see the size of it's ****!!!"

mike2.5subaru

Paddy's in bed and next door's dog is barking again,
" thats it !!" says Paddy, he gets up and gets dressed, gets his ladder and climbs into next doors garden, picks up the Dog and climbs back into his own garden, leaving the Dog still barking. Paddy gets back into bed and says to his wife " lets see how they like it !! "

wheelwright

Two jews talking one says "Ami if you won the lottery would you give me half?"

"Of course i would Talmor, if i won 6 million i'd give you half, you are my best friend"

"Ami, what if you had 2 ferraris would you give me one of them?"

"Of course i would Talmor as i said you are my best friend"

"Ami, what if you had 2 chickens?"

"Now **** off" Ami says "You know i've got 2 feckin chickens!!"

Chip Sengravy

Two irishmen, and a p*ki form a good friendship down at thier local, and become good drinking buddies.

One night they decide they have had enough of the same 4 walls, and venture out of the pub to try somewhere new.

10ft from the front door, the p*ki chap gets flattened by a bus.

They police turn up, and start asking for witnesses. One of the irishmen pipes up and admits to knowing him.

The policeman asks what his name was, where he lived etc...

"Oh, I don't know any of dat " says the irishman, "all I know, is dat he had a double anus"

"eh???" says the copper, "that's medically impossible...How do you know that?"

"well" says the irishman, "whenever we walked into de pub, someone would always say- look, here's dat p*aki wid de 2 arseholes"

fivetide

iTrader: (1)

Two blokes walk into a bar... you'd think one of them would have seen it.

5t.

Longjing

On a similar theme...

Grizzlt bear walks into a pub, goes to the bar and says "Morning barman. I'd like a whiskey and............................................... ............. soda please."

Barman says "Sure. But why the big pause?"

GeeDee

iTrader: (2)

A number of young rabbits along with an older rabbit sitting on the side of a busy road at night trying to cross it. The older rabbit says to his mates “Don’t worry, I’ve done this loads of times. Just do as I say”. So he advises that what you do is to start crossing the road and if two lights come towards you, position yourself in the middle of the two lights and keep as low as possible, especially the ears. Well, the bravest rabbit starts to cross and finds two lights heading his way so, remembering the advice from the oldest rabbit he positions himself slap bang in the middle, ducks down and waits nervously……..SPLATT – Rabbit all over the show!
‘king ‘ell says the oldest rabbit not seen a Reliant Robin along here for years!!

Petem95

baser999

iTrader: (2)

Is that the same dyslexic that went to the toga party dressed as a goat?