ChefDude

i don't care if it's a SIAL - i haven't laughed this much in ages. you all need to laugh too!



1. David Hasslehoff is permanently 27.
2. David Hasslehoff once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
3. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures David Hasslehoff allows to live.
4. When David Hasslehoff was born, the nurse said, “Holy ****! That’s David Hasslehoff!” Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
5. When David Hasslehoff goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
6. In an average living room, there are 1,242 objects David Hasslehoff could use to kill you, including the room itself.
7. The popular video-game “Doom” is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two quid from David Hasslehoff and forgot to pay him back.
8. David Hasslehoff can count backwards from infinity.
9. Crop circles are David’s way of telling the world that ’sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.’
10. When David Hasslehoff jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets David instead.
11. David Hasslehoff is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
12. David Hasslehoff can divide by zero.
13. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by David Hasslehoff, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
14. David Hasslehoff can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
15. You are what you eat. That is why David Hasslehoff diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
16. David Hasslehoff once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his “Fillet of Child” sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
17. David Hasslehoff played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
18. If you were to lock David Hasslehoff in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammys. When asked why he doesn’t do this David replied “Because Grammys are for commies.” Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
19. On his birthday, David Hasslehoff randomly selects one lucky puppy to be thrown into the sun.
20. When David Hasslehoff does a push-up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
21. Whenever David Hasslehoff puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him.
22. David Hasslehoff invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
23. David Hasslehoff coined the phrase, “I could eat a horse” after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
24. David Hasslehoff haunts Freddy Krueger’s nightmares.
25. The eternal conundrum “what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object” was finally solved when David Hasslehoff punched himself in the face.

Brendan Hughes

It's funny, but works better with Mr T (as seen before).

Frazzly

yeah.. mr t once fell into a pool of lava. He almost drowned

Bubba po

Not to be confused with the television actor David Hasselhoff, presumably to forestall accusations of libel.