*pseudonym*

Hi all.

I'm sure you'll understand the desire for anonymity, hence the newbie registration. Please allow me to apologise in advance for any rambling.

I'm having relationship difficulties and don't quite know what to do. Before I start, I'm not looking to be judged, so if your morals differ from mine, please do not lecture or patronise me, its not what I need right now.

Basically my wife and I have been fighting. A lot. We have been together for more than ten years and thing have become really stale. Its got to the stage where we don't really have much fun together anymore. It always moaning or arguing and its getting us both down. I feel we are simply a "habit" now

We more or less live each day as it comes and I don't look too far ahead. When things are really bad, I seriously contemplate walking away, but to date I've always stayed to try and patch things up and repair the relationship.

Also, I have always been faithful to my wife, even though I have had more than a handful of "opportunities", but I've always exerised self control when other men may not. Recently we have been less and less "active" yet I have still tried to patch things when some folk may simply look elsewhere.

Anyway, recently, I have become really close to a girl at work. She is everything my wife isn't and shows me loads of attention and I have real fun with her. She too is married so I wouldn't consider pursuing her, but recently I have gotten to like her a lot more. I *think* the feeling is mutual, but being a guy, I'm crap at reading signs, but several folk have commented on her being into me. It started off just flirting at work, then texts and phone calls. Now I'm seriously picturing myself with her, although I don't want to leave my wife.
I guess what I'm saying is that I fancy her, both physically and emotionally.

Its not just a physical thing though, as my wife is just as attractive as the other girl, in fact many men would say more attractive, so its not just a case of sowing oats.

I know this doesn't make sense and for that I apologise. I'm simply transferring my thoughts onto the keyboard.

I just want the fun back and I think that my wife and I probably resent each other a tad for the lack of fun we have, compared to years ago.

I have no intention of hurting my wife, and if I thought my direction in life was definitely going to change, I'd end it first before embarking on something else, but I'm scared of such a huge life changing decision.
Either way, I guess I'm going to have to do something as it's simply not working.
I feel that I have lost the will to work at it and I simply play each day out, waiting on the next.

I don't even know if I am asking for advice or simply venting off. I felt I needed to get my feelings off my chest as I don't have anyone who I'd talk to about this as my close friends are also my wife's.

Sincere apologies for such a dry post, but my head is bursting.

RS Grant

I'm crap at any sort of in-depth advice mate... But have you talked to your wife about any of it (I dont mean about the other girl) I mean about your relationship and where she sees it going and what she would like to happen??


Cheers,
Grant

astraboy

The only advice I'd give would be to "Think slow" mate.
Dont rush into any decisions and think things through comprehensively and completely before you do anything.
Ultimately the decision is yours, but you have to ask yourself if its the righ decision. Without shushing the inner voice that may or may not be telling you to reconsider.
I dont evny the decision you have to make, but I hope you make the right one.
Good luck.
astraboy.
P.S. Dont post any links to pictures!

scoobyvirgin

Yes I've spoken to her and I think my wife see's it the way I do....

*pseudonym*

Yeah, I tell her all the time that we need to do something as things are so bad, and her answer is always " I love you and want to be with you".
Unfortunately the words don't ever seem to turn into actions



Good advice mate

*pseudonym*

RS Grant

You're mask of secrecy has slipped....

If you've talked to her then I would refer to Astraboy's post, told you I was crap at advice!!


Cheers,
Grant

*pseudonym*

It actually hasn't, however if Scoobyvirgin wants folk to think that he is I, then no probs mate.

RS Grant

Maybe the fact you say it all the time its kind of "water off a duck's back" scenario and her response has now become a natural reaction... she may well be planting her head in the sand and hoping that it'll work itself out.

I would make sure that you actually set a time for you both to sit down together when you are calm, clear headed and prepared to be honest, then talk about everything fully.


Cheers,
Grant

scoobyvirgin

I was pulling your leg Grant, it's not me really. Honest guv!

Turbohot

Lots can be said here but in a nutshell-
If you love your wife,you will stay with her faithfully no matter what.But if this feeling of love has died,you need to tell her that so that you both can take your own ways.It will be hurtful for a while but make you both happy in long run.If you are confused,go for joint or individual councelling sessions.They do help.
HTH.

*pseudonym*

I appreciate what you are saying TH, but I disagree with your first sentence.

I DO love my wife, but personally I do not think that love is reason enough for two people to stay together. If my wife and I were to go our seperate ways tomorrow, I'd still love her loads.

We've spent a huge portion of our lives together and I don't believe its possible to stop loving someone overnight. Even after suffering huge hurt, people still love their partners, so I don't think the love has died as such.

Councelling may be an idea

brihoppy

sorry to hear about your trouble mate...i think theres a difference between loving someone and being 'in love'...im fairly sure you can fall out of love with someone just as quick as you might fall in love with someone...if that happens, and you cant see a resolution, how long do you keep trying...?

in this situation, from an objective point of view, it seems to me like the relationship is pretty much over, and the added issue of the fact youre developing feelings for someone else doesnt bode well for your marriage...

if there are no kids involved, you might just have to accept youve run your course and its time to move on...it happens, thats life...its not easy, but im sure youll deal with it...the worst thing you can do is stay with someone out of guilt...

Ian_S

Do not listen to this man, post pics of both women, it will help with the advice

Diablo

Been there, done that, and more importantly FIXED it.

There is one major decision you have to make -

"Do I want to make this work"

When you have honestly answered that, come back and let us know and we'll see where it goes from there.

D

PS - don't expect any sympathy or softly softly approach from me if you want my thoughts.

Happy to help, but it will be cards on the table time.

LG John

My advice

Put one last big effort into your relationship with your wife. Make time to sit down and talk at length with her with no interuptions. Tell her about how you feel, what you see as the problems in your relationship and tell her everything you've just told us. End the story with how you have been getting to know another women better and have found temptation growing and growing. Tell her you haven't acted on that and have been 100% faithful in your life but that you have now been presented with another path upon which to walk.

At this point you've played your hand. Give her time to play hers and take it from there. Perhaps this will be all the excuse she need to get out as well. Maybe this would bring about a mutual clean break. More likely, this little jolt will get you BOTH talking and resolving things and seeking further advice and support.

It's supposed to be for life remember so it's worth another shot before you really screw things up by running off with another women

SJ_Skyline

If you love your wife - and you say you do - then fight for her! You are both responsible for making your relationship as exciting as you want it to be. We don't know what the ins and outs of your relationship are but take some time to critically look at how your wife might view you and what she might want out of the relationship and then address that. Treat her! take her out for a meal or just come home from work with flowers for her once in a while - as I say, we don't know the ins and outs so this might be normal anyway.

Finally - Don't dip your pen in company ink, it never works out! You've been faithful this far, don't go an **** it all up.

Reality

If you both think you'd be happier apart than together then maybe it's time for a change.

I agree about being in Love - You either are or you aren't.

However - Life aint a rehearsal and if you're both miserable then you have to change something. Either separate and go your own ways or work out what's wrong and try to fix it !

Good Luck.

davyboy

Since you asked:

Try some **** love.

Resloves all known problems.

beemerboy.

Good advice SJ.

ps: i left my missus earlier this year, now i have a girlfriend who is also my best friend.
sometimes you regret things, but always stand by your decision and dont look back.

you get one life, make it as happy as you can.

good luck

BB

T4molie

@ davyboy

Jamo

iTrader: (23)

do you have children?

Chip Sengravy

Gosh Diablo, You're sooooo masterfull!


Wanna try out some of Davyboy's advice sometime?

monty baber

Sometimes the grass looks much greener i'm afraid, its inevitable that after time any relationship will become a little more difficult and work is required to rectify this, you have to be open and honest with each other (maybe not about the other woman but your thoughts on leaving etc)

The other woman may seem very tempting as it is basically not your wife and that in itself will add to the excitement and attraction, attention from someone new will always feel good and more so if things seem strained at home.

My advice would be to take your time and do not make any spur of the moment decisions, nobody on here can tell you if your marriage will work out but its easy to get carried away and blow everything you have worked towards for something you may later look back on as a stupid fling.

Sometimes you dont know what you have until it is taken away

Puff The Magic Wagon!

iTrader: (2)

If its just a sex thing with this girl, ask your wife if u can & see what she says. If nothing else, it might start a healthy discussion that might lead to a bit more passion in your life - or she might say yes.

Apparition

As Saxo Boy Says "Put one last big effort into your relationship with your wife. Make time to sit down and talk at length with her with no interuptions."

BUT Make it neutral ground.

Amazing what a change of venue can do.
Yve ......Good luck BTW.

Kieran_Burns

iTrader: (1)

There is some very good advice being given here... but I have to admit to being astonished that you haven't been to see a councillor yet.

If you're sick, you go to see a doctor, take the medication to get better and move on. Relationships are just the same you know? You're relationship needs help, clearly you two are stuck in a rut and can't see what the problem is.

Go see a councillor and say everything you've said here THERE. That way when your wife gets upset there is an independent party there to put things in perspective - and trust me they will need to be!

I've said this time and time again - relationships take effort. You may not notice the effort, but it is there. Picking the phone up to say "hi", popping 'round to see someone, going out for a night, meeting up, being nice when they're being a pain in the **** - it's all effort. (I'm not saying it's BAD here, but that it takes ENERGY to do these things)

Make the effort for crying out loud. Go to a councillor, speak your mind (it's the only way they'll be able to see where things have gone wrong - and I bet you'll both be surprised when you find out!), MAKE THE EFFORT

Good luck to the pair of you - you're clearly both in love and you certainly have not cauterised your emotions due to this upset, so you're also clearly ready to show some.

*pseudonym*

Some really good advice here guys, thank you.

You've given me some serious food for though mate.


Good point Diablo, and at this point I'm not 100% sure


SB, if I told her everything, this would take the decision out of my hands cos she'd walk. She is incredibly jealous and has a temper from hell. I agree about being open, but only so far...


No, but even if we had, is the general consensus that a couple should stay together for the benefit of the "family unit" even if both parties are unhappy? Surely this isn't a good environment to bring kids up in?


Puff. It is 100% NOT a sex thing. I really enjoy the other girls company and we have genuine fun together and a real connection. I feel we have much more common than my wife and I, which does not bode well I guess

Kieran_Burns

iTrader: (1)

I dunno - I put bloody War & Peace up and I'm the only person he doesn't reply to...

Last time I help anyone

MikeCardiff

iTrader: (2)

First off, ignore the girl at work as she is more than likley just flirting, and even if she does have more feelings for you, is she really going to leave her husband for you ? if things are a bit rocky in your relationship its quite easy to imagine being with someone else and thinking that is a solution.

Lets face it, if it was a perfect world, our wives would all let us have a go at their fit mate we fancy, and join in for some girl on girl on man action - but life isnt like that.

I would strongly reccomend counselling though, I have a friend who does relationship counselling, and the amount of people who benefit just from being put in a position where they have to talk, and to a third party is amazing. Its very common for relationships to get stale after a while, just because we are all basically lazy and tend to take each other for granted.

If you are anywhere near Cardiff, feel free to PM me and I can give you his details.

Also have you considered seperation ? often having time apart ( and it has to be celibate time - NOT an excuse to sow your oats ) can make you realise what you will be missing, so as a more drastic action it can be useful.

I know people who have been through really rough patched in their marriages and have come inches from divorce, but have sorted things out and are still together and much happier and stronger 10 years on, and are really glad they didnt take the 'easy option' and just split up.

Plus ( on a lighter note ) I imagine that as you have been with your partner for a while, you arent that young ?, which means most of the women that are likley to fancy you are already married, so you'll be left with desperate slappers, psychos and dog ugly ones ( dont kid yourself that fit 20 year old will really want to spend the rest of her life with you ).