Couple here 4 ya

I took my dog to the vet, he said " I've got to put your dog down", "why?" i said " because he's heavy!"

I rang this bloke up and said " I want a skip outside my house" bloke said " mate you can do whatever you like"

Anyone got any more??? lol

 

How did he die?

 

A man walks into a bar and says "ouch!!"













It was an iron bar

 

DROPPED DEAD ON STAGE IN THE MIDDLE OF A SHOW IN FRONT OF TV CAMERAS.GREAT MAN.


HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT.DREAMPT ID SWALLOWED A GIANT MARSHMALLOW.WOKE UP AND THE PILLOW WAS GONE.

 

Had a few drinks last night. Slept like a log.







Woke up in the fireplace

 

What, just like that?


Tommy Cooper was about as funny as pubic lice. RIP.

 

That's YOUR opinion.
MY opinion (along with many others) is that -

Tommy Cooper was a genius - a national treasure. UP there with Spike Milligan ,Peter Sellers and Eric Morcambe......

Dan

disclaimer - not that anybody's opinion on here or any other BBS counts for ****. After all it's a public internet BBS.........

 

Had meal out with the wife last night an ordered everything in french




Trouble was we were in a chinese

 

Having a meal with the wife and I ordered lobster , when it came it only had one claw , I complained to the waiter , he said it had been in a fight .


I said well I want the winner

 

I'm on a whisky diet.........






Lost 3 days already

 

Went shopping for some camoflauge trousers....


Couldn't find any.

 

Tommy Cooper was introduced to the Queen after a Royal Command Performance.

'Do you think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen.
'You really thought I was funny?', said Tommy.
'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen.
'Did your Mother think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.'
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' said Tommy.
'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.'
'Do you like football?' said Tommy.
'Well not really ' said the Queen.'
'In that case, ...' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'

 

Few more here


http://users.ox.ac.uk/~peter/humour/cooper.html

 

I like this one




A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says, 'OK. You're ugly as well.'

 

Quality keep em coming lol

 

I went to the plumbers the other day. I said "I want a plug for my bath" He said "Why? Is it electric?" Comic genius

 

Possibly already in the link posted above, but here goes:

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was
rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it,'
-----------------------------------------
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual,'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says,'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'

Guy goes into the doctor's.
'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
'How's that?'
'Don't you start'

'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.' 'Well you can't say fairer
than that then'

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.''

'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up,and said 'Who's
speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.''

'So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

'So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or
my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's
Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second
time
and said 'You've been promoted again...' And I swerved again. He rang up a
third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I
careered off the road.'

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in
went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said
to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a
lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round. 'The other one
says 'so are you, you fat bast**d!'

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
'Does this taste funny to you?'

Police arrested two kids yesterday,
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They
charged one and let the other one off.

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking fine.' So that
was nice.'

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long
time' The man replied 'I know I've been ill'

A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you from a
cross-breed.

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both
got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it So we decided we'd
take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month For the
next 2 years.

 

Doctor, when I raise my arm like this it hurts!

Don't do it then.

Les

 

Some Tim Vine ones in amongst that lot.

Like: A bloke phoned me up the other day, and said i'm going to come round to your house and cut the bottoms off your trousers & put them in a library. I said "well, thats a turn-up for the books!!"

Also: I sent my girlfriend a pile of snow the other day, then phoned up to see if she got my drift!!

And: I went to the chinese takeaway the other day, and a duck jumped up on the counter with a rose in it's mouth & said to me "I love the sparkle in your eyes". I said "No, i asked for a AROMATIC duck!!"