Diesel

It's genuinely not for me, but a mate has a missus who's seemingly gone to the 'other' side @ 40 with 2 kids.

He is naturally devastated at the prospect of losing everything he's worked hard for particularly his two little girls.

I'm trying to advice him on practical matters and steer him away from the natural extreme bitterness he's going through at the mo', but I feel the fact that she may be having an affair or about to have one may not matter too much if it gets to court. It's gonna be all about the kids...?

What balance of 'blame' versus settlement in favour of protecting the kids do courts take when its an 'inoccent' male that's the injured party? To be honest the kids being ok is all he cares about, but I need to support him with some info as he awaits to see a proper solicitor next week - and I do not want to see him on the severn bridge in a spiderman costume!!!

Cheers

blueone

Well he has Parental resposibility as he is Married to their Mum. The CSA will be in touch if either she contacts them or she claims any Benefits for the kids. It is 15% for the first child and then 5% for each additional child upto a max of 25%, if however he then goes to live with someone who has three kids then IIRC he pays the CSA nothing or if he is a full time student he pays the CSA nothing, which is what I am doing. When going to court, they like to see stability with regards to arrangements for children. Will probably have to produce a joint statement of arrangements which will go into detail about the lives of the children and who is envolved in their lives and what their routine will be, where and who they will live with, schools etc. This can be found at the Lord Chancellors office, which has a website. If this cannot be agreed upon then it will if mediation fails be upto the Family Courts which always proports to put the children first this tends to be mainly what the Mother wants, hence Spiderman and Batman on a Bridge near you! He should keep a life diary of all that he does with the children from now on. Never not turn up to have them. Make sure that the times his ex is unreasonable are recorded, this will go a long way to help if it turns into a Court battle. If he buys anything or gives any money to his ex keep the receipts and use a cheque so that he has a record of everything he has done financially. Get him to join Families need Fathers as they are invaluable in giving advice if he can't afford legal representation, they have a lot of experiance and know what tricks are used etc.
Oh and I forgot to say if there is anyway that they can keep solicitors out of it, it will be a lot quicker and easier for all parties including the children. You dont need a solicitor to get a divorce, you can pick the forms up or order them directly from the court service. Its a lot cheaper and easier than having thrid and forth parties in on the case pushing both of you to go for what 'you deserve'. No matter how much it may hurt it may be better for them to do a DIY divorce than to use solicitors.
Blame really don't come into it unless neglect can be shown because of it. Or if it can be shown that the Mothers behaviour has put the kids at risk. Or if the mother says it upsets her when the father visits to see his kids they can restrict access due to it having a destabilising effect on the kids. It is possible to both be classed as the resident parent but it is a uphill struggle to achieve this.
Should contact the kids schools, doctors and dentist etc, straight away to maintain his position. The more envolvement you can show the better. Just dont give any amo to the other side. Be prepaired for the kids turning against you or not wanting to spend time with you, don't hold it against them as they may be getting it in the ear from their Mum.

Freak

hire a hitman

A lot lot cheaper

MBK

How about another alternative - family coaching to help overcome the problems?

I am a family coach and therapist and I or someone in your area might be able to help if there is still something to be saved. As you suggest getting to an amicable solution is also a lot cheaper and more effective than solicitors as it also helps you put your life together again afterwards whatever your choice. It is helpful when children are involved as it allows them to express their views and feelings which is really important at this time.

If you do consider this make sure you use someone qualified - the UK Council for Psychotherapy website lists registered practitioners. Drop me a PM if I can be of any further help.

Spoon

Absolutely zero. Blame or fault isn't even an issue.

He can quite easily find himself pushed out of the marital home whilst his wife moves in boyfriend to play daddy. Oh and he has to continue paying his share for the home too.

The law's a complete pile of poo.

Seeing his children once they are apart is purely down to whoever has the children. If he leaves and the children stay with the wife then access is anyones guess depending on the wifes' behaviour.


He gets my best wishes.

Freak

Which is precisely why i will never have children......and getting married is pretty unlikely to happen too.
Sad state of affairs really- but just adds on to the massive list of ****ed up things in this turd of a country that need sorting and probably never will be.

blueone

Its exactly what I am doing here, sat twidling my thumbs on a Saturday afternoon with nothing to do, while someone else is playing Dad with my kids. The Hitman don't sound to bad an idea...

Diesel

Ok thanks a lot for that quick advice guys - it is as I thought it was and he should focus on the future rather than gathering evidence of blame etc. Also a mediated family settlement (with legal advice on the side if necessary) would seem best.

MBK you will need to be some counselor to swing this one mate - this is not about the washing up

ProperCharlie

Diesel - do I take it that your mate's wife has joined the sapphic sisterhood? If so, it may be worth bearing in mind that this is sometimes a result of hormone changes at onset of menopause (although 40 is a bit early). Happened to one of my aunts in her late 40s, became convinced her future was all dungarees and DMs, within a year or so she was back with her husband wondering what all the fuss was about. It can happen.

Diesel

Extremely interesting you said that Charlie; a common female friend has also touched upon it. Very perceptive mate...

It is also WHOLLY inappropriate to have me LOL with mention of DM's

MBK

Trust me I am some kind of consellor, and it never is about the washing up - mind you if you know anyone who wants a session for this difficult? topic I would be happy to treble my rates!! We see all sorts from serious domestic violence (1 in 4 relationships - scary) through to troublesome teens, drugs and the odd affair or 5... Usually begins with people wanting to kill each other and by the end reaching an amicable solution - whether that is to split or give it a go. People just forget why they got together, get tied up in life and yet there was something that brought them together in the first place...if you can't remember what that was it may be time to have a look at any relationship.

Anyway I would recommend your mate has a look at some of the books on dealing with kids after divorce, Amazon lists plenty.

Hope it all works out well for the whole family.

Diesel

Ohh Christ, this is a nasty business - had me in bloody tears yesterday when I heard what his daughter had written in her diary

Just a quick q before I have to research further - is it likely to be 20% of his after tax earnings as maintenance for the wife and kids after separation? Seems like quite a lot - how is this mitigated by any earnings of hers? When does it stop? Can he elect to pay some of this 'direct' to the kids (i.e. he buys the toyes etc so also gets the credit...?)

Thanks for any advice.

D

Diesel

Guys I'm assisiting in apportioning the financial split now as, so far, it doesnt look like its going to court.

I'm not having much luck Googling on 'Tools of the Trade' which they want to throw into the pot. I have an idea that as this is what permits him to create an income that they shouldnt be joint assets?

Also I think that his re-homing costs should come out of the pot before the split (stamp duty/removals/mortgage application fee etc). Does anyone have any experience of what happens on these two subjects? He's seeing a solicitor on Thurs, but any advice meantime might help establish the 'split in theory' plan. Thx

Spoon

The trouble here is if it's to be amicable without total solicitor input then anything goes following an agreement between the 2 of them.

The wife would be daft to want a slice of his tools if they are going to assist him in earning money for child support.

The re-homing would be agreed between the 2 also, therefore when the funds were found to house the wife and children is irrelevant if it's amicable.

Talking like you suggest, appears to me it is amicable as long as the wife gets everything the law allows her to have and not necessarily a helpful agreement.

Seeing solicitors will only change any agreement as that's their job.

The wifes' solicitors will tell her to take what she's entitled to by law and not what they've agreed. Only a strong, fair woman will ignore this advice and be happy with what they've agreed between each other.

Diesel

'Amicable; is an interesting word spoon

I should have said that we were basing this around giving her 65% on non-cash assets (essentially the house) and him on getting about 55% of realisable cash (to enable him to use it to buy a new house). Essentially a 60:40 split in favour of her.

All the above is based on him being the provider - she didnt contribute much financially to the assets. Any real life comments welcome!

Thx

mart360

no such thing as amicable...

if there are children involved, no divorce can be finalised until the childrens welfare is sorted... read solicitors... read.. mucho money,,

mine was amicable until it went legal... then its a case of fight for every last penny you can get...


at best your friend will get £2.5k walk away!!

with kids no chance until they reach 18

Mart