babber

All,

I'm posting on here to try and get some sound advice, and would appreciate serious replies only please....

Split up with my Ex misses 3 years ago. Divorce (very messy) took a few months / years to sort out, and was eventually granted December 2004. I haven’t had any correspondents to confirm this from anyone. Ex wife told me with a text…

I have four daughters, Alice who is 10. Suffers from dyspraxia and has been seeing a Psychologist for nearly 2 years (she has an IQ of 127) She hasn’t taken very well to the split. Her mother and her are constantly arguing and battling with each other. I feel very very sorry for Alice, as she needed to be an only child, but have three younger sisters, and her mother expects her to run around after all the others.

Details about dyspraxia can be found at: -

http://www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/

Daisy is 9, and doesn’t appear that bothered by the split, but has started being very naughty lately. Doesn’t really do this with me though.

Lily is 6, is probably the closest to me out of all of them, and is very quiet when she here, and is very clingy lately. Get upset, if you tell her off (not that I really ever need too) She’s changed loads lately, and has even started asking me if it’s ok for her to go to the toilet.

Molly is 5 (only just) doesn’t appear bothered by the split and is a lovely caring girl. She doesn’t say a lot, but I think she already displaying signs of dyspraxia.

As part of the settlement (I was screwed over) I walked away from the marital home and £ 120 k equity, but thought it was for the best, as my four daughters were living there with the savage bitch. It was agreed that all contents from the house, would become hers. As I said when I left, I took everything I wanted (TV, HiFi, clothes and PC) and left her with everything else!!

I was supposed to clear all my things from the property end of September 04, but as I was homeless at the time she agreed this period could be extended. I was in the process of buying a property (as I wasn’t allowed overnight access to see my children) so she agreed I could wait until I was moved in and settled before I collect the remainder of my things…

Most of the things at her property were in the garage and carport. I arranged to get a van and trailer, as I had a car shell to move, and she done this: -

http://bbs.scoobynet.co.uk/showthrea...t=rs2000+parts

Anyway, I got my engine back and she made a few grand, so I’d let it go. And I did, thought this is the last time she can screw me over for money or whatever.


It gets much worse…

We had a verbal agreement between ourselves for me to have the children every other weekend from Friday 6 PM until Sunday 6 PM. This was agreed after she moaned and moaned that having the children whenever it suited her or me was un-acceptable, as the children needed to know and plan for when they were seeing me. Before this I’d have them most weekends (Saturday every week, and Sunday when they weren’t doing anything special) and any other time she needed a babysitter during the week (i.e. pick them up from school and give them dinner) I reluctantly agreed to this, as a whole weekend with four girls is hard work, and I enjoyed seeing them every weekend.

Whenever they’ve stayed with me before, they are always enthusiastic about it, and I think they’ve always had a good time. Molly (the youngest) occasionally gets upset, and says she wants her mummy, but the rest of them don’t appear bothered by it. They told me they even look forward to coming over and staying the night / weekend.

I had to buy them clothes, night clothes socks and pants to stay here, and as she was sending them without half the things they need.

My 35th Birthday was two weeks ago, so I asked her a week in advance if she minded having the children for the Saturday night, as I’d arranged to go out for a meal and drinks with my friends. As it happens, she was busy that night so couldn’t help…. My friends had already planned the evening, so I asked my father if he could help. He couldn’t unfortunately as he was going out. A best mate, who sister is a qualified / police checked child minder, suggested speak to his sister, to see if she could help. I spoke to her and she agreed she would look after the children for me. I really didn’t want to do this, as I thought I was letting my girls down. Believe me, I felt this quite a lot over the past few weeks / months with regard to my children.

A few weeks prior to this, I told Tracey that I had met someone, that was absolutely lovely, and I wanted the children to meet her, and vice versa. They all met, and got on really well. Obviously they had ten thousand questions when they got home from the old dragon.

That evening, my mates arrived (along with my girlfriend) and we had a few drinks. One of my mates daughters was staying for the evening as well. The child minder (or nanny) arrived and she brought along her 17-year-old daughter, to help her. When we left all the children all seemed in high spirits, and was having a great time.

We went to a few local pubs, and arranged a taxi to Bristol Centre. I was in a local bar, when one of my mates came running over, my Ex had just arrived with her mates. Rather than her see me, and get stroppy, etc, etc I decided to get out the pub, so she didn’t see me, and didn’t go around my house and cause any trouble. I managed to get away from there, and hid in another pub. Whilst there I decided I should go home, and be with my girls. Mouse (my mate on here who lives with me) arrived and convinced me I was doing nothing wrong, and I should go out as planned.

The taxi arrived and I asked the driver if we could call in my house, on-route just to check they were all ok. We did, and they were having the time of there life. Painting, wrecking the house and generally having fun. I spoke with them all, and asked them if they’d be ok if I went back out. They all agreed and said they were having a great time.

The following day (my Birthday) we went to a local pub for lunch. As it was my daughters cousins birthday, I arranged for my ex to pick the girls up from the pub (at 2 PM and not 6 PM) I could have used tick for tack policies here, but I thought it would only upset the girls and they’d enjoy going to the party

She picked them up. I switched my mobile off, as I knew she’d be stroppy, and finished my dinner. When I switched it back on I had a well stroppy voicemail message from her. I recorded it, but don’t think I should post it on here

Since then she’s told me my overnight access is in dispute, as I left the girls with a child minder and went out up the pub with my mates.

Her mother has got stroppy with me saying, she would have had the girls if I had asked. I’m not likely to do that, but why didn’t the Ex ask her for me?

I spoke to my Solicitor this morning and he agrees she shouldn’t be allowed to do this. I can’t see him until the 23rd Feb, to start the official access ball rolling.

Texted my Ex just now asking when I was allowed to see them next. It was supposed to be my weekend, and should have been 6 PM tonight.

She replied: -

“Haven’t you got the solicitors letter yet? You can pick the ones that want to come to you by 8.30 on sat and I’ll pick them up on the way home from work. When that is going ok you can start having them a bit more”

I haven’t replied yet, but think she is taking the **** out of me now??? Something that has been mentioned constantly in Alice’s counselling is consistency, and my Ex wife can’t / won’t seem to even try to be consistent. She always changes her mind at the last minute……….

Please someone tell me what do I do??? I want to go around their house later, and try and collect them, but I know she’ll say something, or get me stroppy and the police will be called again!!!!!

Sorry for the long thread, but thought I better add as much detail as possible. Any more questions please feel free to ask

Thanks in advance, Phill

PS Sorry about the quality of the writing but I’m both upset and really annoyed L

Paulo P

iTrader: (42)

So it doesn't get any better then

I can understand why she has the hump with you for leaving your daughters with a child minder if she hasn't actually met that child minder before. I'm sure you would feel the same about them being left with a "stranger"

Have you taken legal advice about the latest twist then? It sounds like she is doing what the hell she likes to me and you are frightened of her and what she'll do and that's no way to live

Sorry to hear that you are having a sh!tty time

babber

Spoke to my Solicitor and he can't see me until the end of Feb. He's agreed that consistancy is needed, and said he's send a letter to her solicitor after he has seen me.

I understand her getting funny about the child minder, but if I'd have mentioned it then she have stopped me seeing the girls full stop... My Solicitor did say that at least I didn't have just "any female" look after them. I told her that I found the ad for the child minder, while I was looking for my RS bits in the trade-it, and I think he believed me, lol.

Thanks Phill

Paulo P

iTrader: (42)

That's over 3 weeks you've got to wait then

babber

I'm asking for views, so views are appreciated mate

We did attend mediation, but stopped going, as it was a waste of time and money (we both agreed that)

Nothing is formally agreed, but surely I'm entitled to see my children whenever I want too??? Haven't we both got custody?? I've been told even with court orders the women can still do what they want.

She hasn't mentioned my GF staying over the same weekend interestingly??

I see it this way, I had to "live with it" when she took my girls away on Holiday for a week. Her BF ended up smacking one of my daughters!!!!

Phill

babber

Sorry, I don't understand. 3 weeks to see solicitor, that's right. I have them tomorrow (well the ones she hasn't managed to brain wash yet) for the day, but that's only cause she's working. I normally have them every other weekend (all weekend) and Saturdays every week, so she can work....

I have to pay the bar steward CSA £998 per month, and I even have to pay if I take the girls away on holiday for the week......

Phill

the moose

Phill

I suggest you push your solicitor a little harder on the date. You MUST get this sorted, and the four people most impacted by this are the kids. The thought of not seeing their father will almost certainly be devastating.

From the perspective of seeing a friend go through this .........

He split with his wife, and all seemed to be amicable(ish). It deteriorated to the point where it seemed that every week he was at court or the solicitors to "get things sorted". This went on for around two years, and ended up with him having his son full-time and her having their daughter full-time. It almost sank him financially and emotionally.

Don't wait around, don't try and sort it out yourself - get the solicitor in NOW and you'll probably get things tied off a lot quicker.

And the best of luck to you.

fast bloke

How long ago was this? Tell her to play the game or you will report him for assault

babber

I know exactly what your saying, and wouldn't just turn up at their house now. although once again, I can't see why not. It's not like I'm a criminal or anything. I would normally telephone / or send a text. What is wrong with, if for example I have a spare couple of hours during the week, I take them to the park??

For those of you reading this thread that haven't been through this or haven't got kids) let me tell you, the only reason I reckon I'm still around is the kids..... I've sat on my own in a bedsit / hotel room struggling to find the will to carry on, and then I look at a picture of them, and it all comes into perspective. I've never suffered from depression and generally have a brilliant outlook on life. My life has been turmoile for the past 3 years, and in the last few months I've managed to get it back on track!!!!

Angry / pissed off / and stroppy (explaining how I feel) is a complete understatement at the moment!!

Thanks all, Phill

Turbohot

Relationsships suck!!!!
Ex or present!

babber

6 months ago, and against advise from a few mates. I thought I did the right thing and reported him to the police. She told me she finished with him immediately after. She nor I have every heard from the Police since this date, even though the photographed the bruise on her arm! Police aren't interested, probably cause he had tax on his car.

Forgot to mention the Ex is a physical wreck, with emotional problems and is on anti-depressants amongst anything else they are feeding her with. She apparently going to councilling herself, and has a real anger management issue!!! When I lived there, she was angry (with everyone) and seldom stopped shouting at me / girls!!!

Thanks Phill

Jamo

iTrader: (23)

would you want the kids on a more permanant basis? could you handle that?

legally you have a lot on your side, which you can either use or not, obviously your choice.

the fact that she sold your RS bits states to me she just wants to hurt you.

Do whats right for you and the kids first and put her last as she is to you.

good luck phil

jamo

Freak

harsh- i feel for you mate

thats another reason i will never get married to be honest!
Cheaper to have her 'disposed of ' than go through a divorce

weapon69

hmm not sure what i make of all this tbh. There should be definate times/days arranged on a perm basis though. That way everyone knows whats going on, espesh the kids.

Wonder what the ex's version of events is........

babber

Would be interesting for her points of view, but don't think she'd ever come on here!! She would see things differently, just like she seriously thought I got the child minder out the trade-it while looking for my RS parts. Think you'll find most women and most men would view this thread / my life completely differently, hence the reason for posting on here..

So when we verbally agreed times and dates, why can she be allowed to change them? It's all rubbish, my kids are suffering, and she doesn't seem to give a chuff

It's all a load of s**t. Phill

babber

I think she is trying to hurt me, and in fairness she doing a bloody good job. But not what she's doing to me, or herself. The kids have been through enough already and don't need all this drama, and I'm trying so hard NOT TO MAKE IT ANY WORSE.

Having the children is an option, but come on.....What sort of a man takes the children away from there mother for spite ? The girls are best off with their mother (even with all the arguing amonst them and bad feelings) I will monitor that situation closely, and If I feel the children are in danger, then I'll act accordingly....

Phill

weapon69

Its a shame she's deciding to behave like that. Sounds like a verbal agreement is worth ****. Get her in court!!!!!

Mice_Elf

Are you keeping a diary of all these events - broken appointments and rule changing?

Coopz

Hi - females point of view here.

I've seen this with a friend of mine and his ex wife, the only way it will ever work is if things are kept constant so the girls know where they are and what is going on. Get her to court and get it agreed offically.

You've said that you think you'd be harsh by having the girls live with you full time but to be honest if she's unstable and unreliable the girls might not be getting whats best for them by staying with her. My parents split when i was 16 (i'm one of 5, 4 girls 1 boy) and we all lived with my dad and i still believe it was the best thing for us. If the Ex is constantly angry and taking it out on the kids they will suffer.

Are any of your girls suffering with their school work?

babber

Haven't been keeping a diary, but have 2 years worth of stroppy texts, etc recorded on my laptop. That should be a good start

I have the texts moaning about not having them all weekend, and what was I going to do about it. Oh and obviously my replies!!!

Phill

babber

*** Anyway Todays update ***

She phoned just now to say that only Alice wanted to come tomorrow daytime, and the others didn't. I asked her If I could speak to the children, and she said yes. Didn't want to do over the telephone, so could I come around.....Big mistake

As soon as I got there she was stroppy as you like. She didn't have to open her mouth, it was quite obvious.

I told them about the informal access agreement that we had, and that she decided to change it. I explained that they didn't have to come and see me if they didn't want to, but the facility was there if they did. I explained that as she has taken that away, then I'd have to apply through the courts for access. She started ranting and raving at this point!!!

I tried talking to the girls about why they didn't want to come tomorrow, and before they could answer, she was answering for them. I got a bit more annoyed and told her to mind her own business, and to leave us alone. Loads more abuse, and yes in front the children.

I telephoned her mum, while she was on the phone, her lovely daughter was screaming and shouting in the background (as normal) and asked her to come around, so I could discuss this situation with my children without her maniac daughter shouting abuse and influencing their minds. I went and sat in the car for her to arrive.

Her Mum and Dad arrive, and we all go in. I start trying to discuss again with the girls, only for her to be shouting and speaking once again for the children. I explain her stroppyness and attitude isn't helping, and ask her to leave the room. She eventually did after her father told her she wasn't being very constructive. To be honest, she was acting like a four year old child..... Decided it wasn't worth the arguments, and said goodbye and left. Still haven't got a reason or excuse for not coming to see me tomorrow

So here we are, I get to pick up one of them tomorrow (If I'm lucky). She told me her solicitor said I have restricted access (why, I really don't know, but no overnight slays) to them from now on, and I'll have to apply to the courts if I want it changed (and we know this will take months) I got a ****ing headache and feel like smashing (my, not her) house up. All because I care about my daughters and want to see them. I feel so let down

What a load of total bolloxs

Phill

babber

Forgot to mention, my Mum was a nutcase and my sister and me suffered years of abuse (only way to describe it really) when we were with her. She married my step dad, who was a lovely bloke and when she had an affair and left, we stayed with my step dad. All this happened when I was 3 to 9 years old, and I can remember this like it was yesterday.....

I never have and never will speak to my mother again because of this. If she died tomorrow, I wouldn't attend her funeral!! I've also, made a point of not getting angry and arguing in-front the children for this very reason. I've told the Ex numerous times, I wanted better for my children and she simply doesn't listen.

I wonder if my girls will do the same as me and my sister? When their old enough to make decisions then maybe they'll decide their mother is just far too much hassle to bother with. I really hope for her sake not, but can see it happening at this rate They might also be thinking all the bull**** she's feeding them might be true.

I think the point I'm trying to make is, why do women use children in these type situations? Seen it a few times now.

Phill

Bottomfeeder

Phill, what's wrong with it is this mate:

Kids see their dad every fortnight for an entire weekend, rest of the time they are at home with mum, there is routine, harmony, and all is well within the home. Then outta the blue dad starts appearing now and again....for an hur or a couple of hours.......<BANG> routine blown apart......those kiddies need a routine......I promise you.

Shona
(BF's GF)

babber

This is going to take months!!

I know what you mean, but it's difficult to know at what point to step in. Don't worry, if I think they're in danger, I be around there like a flash

Phill

babber

Never been any harmony at her house!!!

I know what your saying, but I'm not sure I agree (and I'm not arguing for one second) Think of it this way then, when I was living with her, I could take the children out whenever I wanted. I didn't have to ask and could do it whenever I choose. The girls enjoyed this, and now that has been taken away. I was speak about the visits within the week, as additional visits!!

What has changed??? Other than, I'm not putting up with Ex anymore, so I moved out.

And everthing might have been consistant, but she's decided I'm not allowed them all weekend on my own. As I said I found it really difficult being a part time dad for four girls, but I have tried my upmost best, apart from when I went out

I'm not having a go at you (BF GF) just trying to understand both a male and female aspect of this.

Phill

SHESCOOBY

Just makes me sick really sick why cant people just think of the kids

I have been on both ends

I have a nearly 6 year old and when she was a year old i split up from her father, who i was married to... The marriage broke down and we ended up divorcing.

when we first split up he wanted to see our daughter every weekend so we made an arrangement that he would see her a wednesday night and have her over night on a friday and bring her back sat afternoon. This was a good arrangement and we all got on fine. I have never ever stopped him from seeing our daughter and i would never stop my daughter from seeing her father. But over the last few years, he began to spend less time with her only because he had a new Girlfriend which didnt bother me in the slightest as i was happy for him, she had three kids. As far as I know my daughter got on well. Anyway over time the un-reliableness appeared, he said he will pick her up on many occasions at a certain time and didnt bother turning up at all and my daughter was very upset and i was left to cover for him. Now its been a good few years and over them years he has hardly seen her, doesnt bother ringing at all, he hasnt seen her for 8 months now and to a 5 and half year old thats along time! All i did was encourage him to see her, I got blamed at one point for trying to palm her off which isnt true. Now I realise that he doesnt really care about her as he hasnt bothered.
We have a new life now and she is very happy, she has a step daddy who treats her like a daughter and they are very close.

I have had legal advice as i get abusive texts messages from his girlfriend saying i am a useless mother, yet she doesnt know that he doesnt bother, he fills her wth Bullsh!t. These texts have been downloaded and have proof if i need it. Makes me angry. Also the legal advise i got as well was that if he does decide to see her on a regular basis he has to start by writing letters and cards for the first few months as they wont alow him straight into her life as he is now a stranger.....

As for my Daughter I think she is forgetting him, he doesnt get mentioned anymore and when she's older I hope she understands that it wasnt me that stop her from seeing her daddy it was her daddy who didnt want anything to do with her, how do you tell a child something like that!!!

I can go into more detail about this but i wont

Just wanted to tell my little story

Kaz

SHESCOOBY

Sorry to bring this thread back up

mart360

been through it....

my eldest wants some pc cabling done, and ask me if will do it..

my ex will allow me into the house providing i promise not to take anything of hers....

WTF it is 11 years since i left and i have been remarried for 5

my eldest said she reckons i stole some of her records... wtf.. i never liked her taste in music, so i wouldent want ethem...

i wrote off all the stuff she had of mine, as all i wanted was out...

we had opur agreement sorted as part of the divorce agreement, it was done under a court order..

it hass worked ok since, a few hiccups at the start, and a few threats of going back when she got stroppy but all in all ok..

i see my boy every week.. its 4 days out of 14 i have him plus a straight split on hols etc..

we had a shared residancy, that way she cant deny access..



good luck mate..


and remenber when the kids grow up, there not daft, they,ll tell a few home truths!!!


Mart

ZIPPY

Mate, i bet she is secretly p#ssed you have a new woman in your life and is doing all she can to p#ss you off.

My Ex tried similair routines to yours over access to our son, i have parental rights and a court rulling allowing me full access but then one week she decides she wants me to only have him for the Saturday and thats it.

A solicitors letter confirming she was breaking a court ruling sorted her out with the threat that i would have costs awarded back to me for having to take her back to court, she would have had the choice to pay or i could remove it from my maintenance payments.

This i was told is the only way to stop her and others like your Ex taking the p#ss whenever they have a PMT moment and what to cause disruption.

I know its very difficult but dont rise to her,sit back and let the courts do there thing, i withheld ALL my maintenance payments until my issues where sorted out and paid in full when it was all sorted out, this caused her to push her solicitors into talking to mine in order to get her money.

I bet she will spit blood if you stop your money, i know you will feel your upsetting the girls but the one thing Ex partners always want when kids are involved is MONEY.

Zippy

mart360

never a truer word spoken...

Mart