On the subject of comedians - Tommy Cooper :)
09 October 2004, 09:57 AM
#1
Scooby Regular
Thread Starter
On the subject of comedians - Tommy Cooper :)
I guarantee at least one of these will make you laugh 
TOMMY COOPER
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That's
like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad,
or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that
was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as igging continues into the night!
TOMMY COOPER
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That's
like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look
at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad,
or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that
was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as igging continues into the night!
09 October 2004, 11:19 AM
#5
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18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad,
or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad,
or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.
09 October 2004, 12:51 PM
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09 October 2004, 12:53 PM
#8
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Tommy Cooper was introduced to the Queen after a Royal Command Performance.
'Do you think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen.
'You really thought I was funny?', said Tommy.
'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen.
'Did your Mother think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.'
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' said Tommy.
'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.'
'Do you like football?' said Tommy.
'Well not really ' said the Queen.'
'In that case, ...' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets"
'Do you think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen.
'You really thought I was funny?', said Tommy.
'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen.
'Did your Mother think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.'
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' said Tommy.
'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.'
'Do you like football?' said Tommy.
'Well not really ' said the Queen.'
'In that case, ...' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets"
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