Buzzer

My daughter is 14 y.o. and a very active member on MSN chatroom. I let her have a free reign on it along with her own e-mail account.

Tonight as i was passing by the PC i glanced over and looked at a few of here "chat friends" list. Okay so there are a few lads on there, i've got no probs with that but i asked her who a few of these friends were i.e. are they school friends etc. She said that they weren't school friends but lads and girls who her friends knew.

She then took it on herself to ask one of her school friends who certain peaple were and they said they didn't know and that he/she were friends of their friends. So my daughter cant put her hand on her heart and say that she does actually know them or indeed no one in her "circle" could truly identify these few people. So now i'm worried coz they talk about going the cinema or to town to go shopping and these "people" know her lifestyle, movements etc.

Is this something common, i like to think of my daughter as being pretty clued up but in todays society i'm not sure if that's enough. I've asked if she could find out exactly who these people are and she said she would so i'll leave to her to make a judgement.

I might just be cynical but i've noticed one particulerly popular individual (by all accounts) trying to type in this text speak type typing, the problem is that he sometimes types the word "wiv" and later on types "with" the same is "dat" and "that". Seems a bit strange but i just dont feel easy with it. Am i being a bit paranoid or should i be concerned.

Being 14 she needs independance but how much, i have to let her make her own decisions should should i let her make those calls at the detriment of her safety?

Sorry it's a bit long winded but i just typed my thoughts............... parenthood, pah

Richard Askew

Is there any way you can log in as her when she's out?

Buzzer

Hi Richard

I dont know her password but she would give it to me if i asked. She would probably think i'm invading her privacy and think i couldn't trust her. I'm not sure i want to risk the wrath of a hormonal teenager

I dont know if i could get in without the password but then i run the risk of her real friends being online and sussing something out and it getting back to her, which would be even worse!

The problem comes if i have to say "No you cant talk to people you actually dont know from school etc" as i said there a few very "popular" users in her address book if i made her delete them she would feel a bit alienated from her true friends. I'm considering phoning one or two of her friends parents to see what they think but then i think "paranoid Dad syndrome" kicking in again

BuRR

Spytech Spyagent.

or McAfee Parental control software.

i love scooby snacks

If you are really concerned, go to tools/options then messages and there is an option to select "automatically keep a history of all my conversation" which pretty much does what it says on the tin. These are stored wherever you choose and can be viewed even when logged off. But again this is still intrusive.

hope it helps though

i love scooby snacks

good point, i was thinking msn messenger

scoobchrissy

iTrader: (1)

I would never let my daughter log on to any chat line, there's to many pervert's out there. It's better to be safe than sorry........
just my 2pence worth.

milo

there are also plenty of perverts offline too. do you stop your daughter from going anywhere at all and lock her in the house too? while its an admirable aim to protect her like that, you can't.

the original posters' daughter sounds clued up enough to make her own decisions. i simply do not believe in bugging other peoples' conversations - not only will your life be hell if she find out, but you'll end up hearing things out of context and thinking the worst.

at the end of the day, all you can realistically do is talk to her about it, as you have done, and make sure she's clued up, as you have done. mention your problem with this one individual if you feel strongly enough about it.

super_si

If its just MSN messenger. You set it up to store chat logs. Or maybe install a back ground Key Logger? Records every key that pressed but your only seeing what shes putting then

Si

class_A

Just make sure she is educated to meet people in public places and always with other friends. Instill a healthy degree of paranoia in her and explain that people can very easily pretend to be something or someone else. Explain why they do this. Have a frank discussion and don't dress things up. Being open will encourage her to be open too.

She may be "clued up" but I doubt she will be "streetwise".

You appear to be a sensible parent as you have the PC in a visable place so you are aware of when she's online and the time she spends chatting. Short of sitting at the machine with her, there's not much else you can do.

If you install nanny software now, it might appear to her as if you didn't trust her when in fact you are simply trying to protect her.

Scooby-Doo

Install a nice firewall and block the chatroom. If she complains tell her to contact the administrator and if that fails try a reboot

SomeDude

LOL at "Christian Chat Live Now" Google ad

I would tend to trust her, but make sure she knows not everyone on the internet is who they say they are (pretty much like in real life).

You can't monitor the chats she has at school, her phone conversations etc... so why focus on the internet part ?

Maybe set out a few hard rules, like never meeting up with people on her own, always letting you know where she goes and with who, always carry her cell phone, not giving too personal details on chat (address, bank account numbers etc..).

She sounds like a smart cookie, so my vote would be to respect her privacy, unless you sense there is something really wrong.

davegtt

have u tried saying to her that your worried about some of the people shes chatting too that shes never met and you'd be happy to let her continue chatting if some of her friends can back up they have met these unknown persons elsewhere and can say they are genuine people thats'd be my first step tbh.

Buzzer

Thanks everyone

Some good points made here. I'd probably feel a bit of a cheat if i could view all her conversations after she's been on and to be honest she is still my little girl and dont want to think of her thinking and talking about boys in a manner which a parent shouldn't really know even though i know she is growing up

Like i said, she is going to find out exactly who these people are that she talks to and WE will make a judgement based on her findings tonight hopefully. She is a good kid, always rings up when she's out and let's us know what's going on. I just dont want to give her enough rope to hang herself.

She is getting to an age now where she could start to make herself look a lot older and OMG she can look a lot older than her true age and being 5' 7'' only amplifies this. It's gutting when you see people twice her age ogling at her All this makes me uneasy but as a lot of you say, i cant be there all the time and by all accounts things get even worse as they get older (i never had a sister so i cant relate back to my childhood)

I let you know what happens

messiah

my messenger logs in automatically when i go online - can you set it to that then she's on, then you can go on later and the computer will think its her and login for you...

just a thought.

Redkop

Buzzer take a look HERE

BexTait

Might answer your question as to them being closed or not.
Bex


Edit: And this is what you get if you go to the msn site and click the above icon

Wuss

Buzzer,

I understand how you feel. I have two twin sisters who are 12 years old. They have a computer each and I recently installed broadband access for the entire family at my father's home. The problem with providing 'always connected' Internet access is that it is very difficult to control what they are doing and when they are doing it. I actually work for the IT department of an Investment Bank, so I am no stranger to placing restrictions on what individuals can, and cannot, access.

I tried implementing security restrictions, parental control software, firewall blocking, etc. It got to the stage where they were being denied access to legitimate sites due to the 'possible nature of the content'!! This included:

- the M&S site due to pictures of women in lingerie,
- holiday websites due to families in swimming costumes,
- etc, etc.

There are far better products which do an excellent job of filtering content, but at the end of the day, education is the best defence against any potential threat. I have spent many hours explaining what is and is not acceptable and where they should be suspicious of unusual behaviour. I allow them to access whatever they want, and if they come across anything they do not understand or are worried about, they ring (or email) either myself or my wife for guidance. There have been three occasions where this has been necessary and on each occasion there was actually nothing to worry about.

Talk to your daughter and let her know that you trust her and you want to give her the freedom to roam the Internet. Make sure that she can come to you if she feels uncomfortable about any of the content. A short message to any suspicious characters explaining that you are 'the father' and you have the ability to trace the IP address of any connected user would soon frighten off any user with an ulterior motive.

The Internet is a very useful research tool and I wish I had access to it when I was younger. Denying access is not the solution - the media circus is responsible for the bad press. Peer pressure at school is probably far more likely to endanger your daughter than anything she will find on the Internet.

Sorry about the ramble, but it's an important topic.

Mark.

farmer1

I have used MSN Messenger for about 4 years, mainly for speaking to my school friends for arranging stuff.

But IMHO I would allow her to continue to talk to the people she doesn't know. In my case I have been speaking to a girl on MSN since I was 12 (Now 16). I haven't actually met the person, but in the past four years I have found it very useful to talk to somebody I don't know. Not so much now, but I used to talk to her about problems I didn't wish to discuss with people I knew. Just to add that she is also the same age as me.

At the end of the day, your daughter sounds very sensible. If I am going or want to go out, I always inform/ask my parents if I can go and let them know. If there is a change of plan I phone them etc.

At the end of the day if you have a good relationship with your daughter, my advice for you would be to talk to her. Continue to let her speak to who she wants, but keep an eye and find out what she is doing.

Sorry for the repetion.

Markus

Buzzer, tis a difficult one. What would I do? well, I would chat to her about it, maybe explain you feel a little uneasy about it as some people can easily lie about who they are on the net, make sure she does not give out her address or phone number, and is slightly vauge about where she lives. I'd also chat about whether she has been asked or intends to meet up with these people in real life. Now, you can't stop her from doing anything, if you say know, you know what kids are like, they'll go and do it anyway. If she is intending to meet them, then it needs to be in a very public place, and ideally get her to take one or more of her real friends along, thus there being more than just her on her own.

Buzzer

Lynne, Flaminsmart and Bextait,

Yes i am a muppet, it is MSN messenger and not chat room although i dont know what the difference is

Anyway thanks for all the replies and advice, there is some good sound honest advice which i shall take. Let me update you on what's gone on today.

Okay, she came home and waited for me to get in so that she could explain. One of the boys on messenger was a neighbour of my daughters best friend who doesn't go to my daughters school as he moved a mile or so away so she doesn't know him. My daughters best friend is a really smart cookie so i'm gonna let that one go i'm with that.

Now the one i was worried about was the one who has inconsistant typing styles. It turns out this lad (if thats what he is) isn't known by any of my daughters close circle. Girls being girls sat round the classroom and were all dismayed to find that none of them knew him other than on chat (sorry messenger). They all agreed to delete this person from their contacts So i did absolutley 8ugger all and got a result from a small circle of teenage girls eh!

They've agreed not to let anyone in their "circle" unless they vote them on. I'm really proud of her and her mates, you are all right, kids today are very grown up and know the score

My daughter was really shocked when she found out no one knew this person so i think it has served a great lesson to all including me !

There are one or two others on there but she says she knows of them but not on a personal basis, i'm not going to labour the point to her, i think she is fully aware of how easy things could go wrong.

A great many thanks to everyone, you have been great. At one point today in work i was prepared to just block all access to it and say if you cant use it you cant be hurt by it.......................bl00dy glad i didnt now, oh and yes i'm still the cool dad with the Scooby-Doo

farmer1

Good one Buzzer.

I think both your daughter and yourself handled this situation remarkably, I have a great deal of respect.

Buzzer

Cheers

<blows on finger nails and polishes them on shoulder>

Redkop

Give yourself a pat on the back for that Pete

PS
I'm just glad you knew the difference between a mobile phone and a landline one