lightning101

This is an extract from the Latest Mills and Boon Novel. With writing
like this there really is no need for pictures...

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening
horizon.
The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked. I knew I had to have her, and have her now.
Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of dominance. I
could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically
thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.

I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.

Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace.
I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered,
'Baaaaaaa' and rejoined the flock.



(This book is only for sale in New Zealand, Australia and england)

lightning101

I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.
And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
>
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
> think with their heart.
I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into
a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do"
>
FOR EXAMPLE:
>
>
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"



Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
>
Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
>
I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
"WHAT??!!!"

I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
>
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell

ZIPPY

A 47 year old woman decides its time for a new look and goes for a full face lift.

After the surgery has settled down and she is overjoyed with her new look she decides she needs a new wardrobe.

Off she sets into town on the bus,whilst getting on the bus she asks the driver how old he thinks she is ? he replies 'about 35' to which she says 'i'm 47 you know'.

She then hits the shops in a good mood then asks an assistant how old he thinks she is,he says 'about 32',well she says 'i'm 47 you know'.


Next she goes for lunch at Mcdonalds and at the counter asks the young lady how old she thinks she is,the girl says about 29-30 well she is over the moon and says i'm 47 you know.


After the shopping is done she goes to the bus stop and feeling lucky and wanting to give it one last try she asks the old man sitting in the bus stop how old she looks.
He says 'well i'm 65 now and my eyesight isnt so good,but i have a different way of telling you how old you are'.
The woman asks him what its is,he says 'well i need to have a feel inside your knickers for a couple of minutes and then i can tell you how old you are.

The lady says 'no way' but curiosity is getting the better of her and after a minute or so lets the old man put his hand inside her knickers.

After several minutes of fiddling she asks him 'well how old am i ?

To which he replies 'your 47' she says agast 'How do you know that ?


He replies ' I was stood behind you in the queue in Mcdonalds'...........

lightning101

Americans in France - Travel Advisory Overview

The following advice for American travellers going to France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the CIA, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about.
It is intended as a guide for American travellers only.

General Overview: France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular importance and with not very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and Eurodisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne,Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican food.
One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that local people insist on speaking in French, though many will speak English if shouted at.
Watch your money at all times.
The People: France has a population of 57 million people. 52 million of these drink and smoke (the other 5 million are small children). All French people drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in a queue.
The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant,aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behavior.Many people are communists.
Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss each other when they meet.
American travellers are advised to travel in groups and wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier recognition.
Safety: In general, France is a safe destination, although travellers must be aware that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally, the French surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the American visitor generally goes on much as before.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London during future German invasions.
History: France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.
Government The French form of government is democratic but noisy.
Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a draw. The French love administration so for government purposes the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns, communes, villages, cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own government and elections.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower, thoughconfusingly, they are both on the ground floor, and whose members are either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom should be trusted by the traveller. Parliament's principal occupation is setting off atomic bombs in the south Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries complain.
According to the most current American State department intelligence, the President is now someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture: The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.
Cuisine: Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants on the other hand, are excellent, although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers.
Economy: France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.
France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Public Holidays:

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world.

Among its 361 national holidays are:
197 Saints' days,
37 National Liberation Days,
16 Declaration of Republic Days,
54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph As If He Won The War Single-Handed Days,
18 Napolean Sent into Exile Days,
17 Napolean Called Back from Exile Days, and
2 "France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish" Days.



Conclusion:

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it was not inhabited by French.

Andy McCord

LOL @ lightning

ClassicScoobyJay

What's the slang term for nasal sex?













F**k knows...