wideboyuk

Dear John ,

Things aint going to well on the home front at them moment, and to be honest havent been for several months really. We've split up and got back together more times than there has been 'scooby vs evo' threads on these boards
It really does seem like its time to call it a day but...
we have been together nearly 5 years and have a kiddie of 2 yrs old. I think if there wasn't a child involved it would be an easy step to make. We keep getting back together cos it seems the easiest thing to do but it is becoming quite clear that there is a problem in our relationship and all respect and trust has gone. Neither of us has been unfaithful but for some reason she 'doesn't trust me'??
It the same old story all guys can probably relate to, in that no matter what I do, it is wrong! There's only so much you can put up with and I think I've reached that point. She is impossible to please at times.
However, it aint all bad. She can be very kind and thoughtful at times, and I'm sure I can be quite insensitive, I'm not saying I'm perfect It has been so long since we both actually enjoyed each others company for more than a couple of days at a time.

I truly wish for us to be able to make it work but it definitely takes 2 to make a relationship work and it DOES take a lot of work. Problem is, she has given up on trying to make it work, so I'm kinda in a no win situation.

Looks like theres no point in carrying on, maybe a few months suffering and getting over her is better than several more years of a dodgy relationship but I worry about our lil' girl too and how it will affect her??

yoza

You wont like this....

Try harder than you are doing already, for your OWN sake, and for the sake of your daughter.

Picture your daughter walking to school hand in hand with a man you dont know. Then to your astonishment she kisses him goodbye and says 'see you at 3 oclock Dad'.

It happens, and if it happened to me I would top myself......

class_A

Do not stay together for the child. I speak from experience, as someone who's parents should have split long before they did.

At 2 years old, whilst there may be tears in the short term, they'll be too young to remember any different when they grow up.

That's all I can say without knowing the situation, except good luck.

rik1471

That's hard

LG John

I think there is a case to be made for sticking it out for the kid. I remember when I first met AJ's lad (he was 4) he seemed like a total toerag and despite the fact we got on really well (even though I was a new influence in his mums life) he still had a lot of problems. Last I heard AJ and Andy got back together and the Steven was a lot happier and far better behaved. The scottish lot might well remember the time he chucked a rock onto the track at Knockhill with prized scoobys bearing down on it This was a child that was seeking attention but all he really needed was his mum and dad together which he now has

You face a tough choice - perhaps you should go on Trisha, I say rice and peas

SCOSaltire

agree that u have to try hard.
however - if u have been trying hard for a while.. and it still not work... then, when the kid is old enuff she will pick up on the bad feeling - and that WILL affect her more than a split.

supertouring

Go away for a few days together, leave kiddy with family/friends and go away and enjoy yourself - nice meal, plenty of wine and some crazy s3x. If you feel the same after this then you can consider splitting.

Oh, and you must go and book it - don't expect her to.

wideboyuk

Yoza, exactly what I am worried about

Supertouring - lol, she expects me to do everything

I've been trying hard for a while now. How long should I keep trying for, can't go on forever? Problem is that she ISN'T trying now and 'can't be arsed' with all the stress of it now.

Seems like only one of us wants to sort this out?

Mice_Elf

Have you tried seeing a counsellor? Ther emight be deep seated issues with which she needs to come to terms. Why does she not trust you anymore?

SiPie

agree 100% as this is SO damaging for your child... it's amazing what the kid willbe picking up already by sensing waht is going on around him.

In all honesty it sounds as if you too have made your mind up from the nature of your post.

Good luck whatever route you choose

class_A

Wine and crazy sex will not make the problems go away, it will only mask them.

Try and spend some time apart, with regular agreed access to your child, then you can both work out what you want to do.

You say she has given up trying to make it work. She will obviously be depressed by the whole situation as much as you are. In order for things to change, the circumstances need to change, otherwise you will continue to stagnate and no new outlook will be allowed to develop.

wideboyuk

thanks class-a, she is very depressed with the whole situation at the moment and hence she just closes herself up from it all. We need some kind of change to the daily grind, then that way maybe she will open up a bit. She is terrible for keeping things to herself. One of her most common phrases - 'Why should I tell you, if you don't know now whats the point' ??

Mice_Elf

Sounds to me like she's wanting you to reach out. SOMEthing's obviously happened. Maybe she feels trapped in the house with the toddler while you're out working. Maybe she just needs time to herself...

Without knowing th efull story, we can't really help, but I would strongly suggest you speak to someone in a professional capacity.

wideboyuk

lol chances of her going to a counsellor are 0!!
She is not a vey good listener and doesn't take advice well. I have learnt to live with it! She is too depressed with the whole relationship at the moment and she keeps things to herself, so getting her to open up is a mammoth task. She flies off the handle very easily and I've had to spend a few days away on numerous occasions just to let things settle a bit before trying to talk to her!

Scooby96

If shes closing herself up to the issues at hand then how do you know she's had enough?? She could be thinking that you are feeling the same!

Not sure I would go away together just the two of you but only you will know if this might work for you two.

I do think (without knowledge of how hard you've tried already) that you put 110% into saving this for the sake f your daughter. I left a relationship for 18 months but fortunately (for us) we are now happily back together. I had quite a few relationships in between but I still went back every now and then as nothing felt exactly right with anyone else. It took a long time to realise that the reason was my kids - no-one can replace that IMHO.

However if its got that bad then you must not try and flog a dead horse as it will have a detrimental affect on your little girl. I can remember every single time my oldest daughter would scream down the phone asking me to come over and see her, or would cling onto me when I dropped her back to her mum. It is devastating however its far less harmful than her seeing you fighting/shouting/hitting/smashing stuff every night.

I know for a fact that putting my gf through that has affected my kids and that will take many more years to put right but you have to weigh everything up with a clear mind. Splitting up or staying together - you two are the only ones who can decide whats best.

Most of all you need to TALK - forget holidays, getting pished or whatever, you have to communicate....

Good luck - been there before, dont want that **** EVER again.

S96

johnfelstead

Dont stay together for the kids sake, they wont thank you for it.

Growing up in a house where there is a constant atmosphere is very damaging for the children in that household, it is far worse than having two parents who are seperated.

You are also denying yourself the oportunity to find someone who will bring a loving relationship to your home, which would be beneficial to the kids too if that were to happen.

If you grow up with two parents not comunicating with each other or showing any afection it makes it very hard for children to find relationships of their own, because they dont know how or are afraid that if they try, they will make a mess of it like you did and have to live in a crap atmosphere. It's not healthy.

The other issue is once the kids are gone, you find no reason to stay together, so you end up divorcing in your 50's, leaving you no time to build up a home and save money for retirement on your own, so you end up in worse circumstances than you would have been, and you posibly missed out on finding someone who could have made your life more fulfilled.

If you have tried to make it work, and it hasnt, get out of there and start again, it will be much healthier for you, your partner and your kids.

wideboyuk

John, your last paragraph sums it up for me I think.
Funny thing is I remember talking to a friend of mine about 5 years ago now who was in a similar boat.
He stayed with her, and still is, but now they have 2 kids and they still aren't any happier.
I think that tells me what I need to do.

catalunya199

i have split from my wife within the last month and its very hard i new her for over 5 years and you just cant forget that, we had good and bad times but eventually it ended. i agree dont do it for your kid 2 single happy parents are better than 2 together unhappy parents also you are the father no one else they cant take a dads place

wideboyuk

Thanks for all of your words guys, has really helped.
I just got a nagging worry in my mind of any bunny boiler tendancies my missus may have.

Mice_Elf

Start writing letters / diary, taking photos and videos of you and your daughter, so that if you *do* split, she'll have those memories of you, despite what your wife might say / do.

Give her extra cuddles as well, because despite being only 2, she will be very receptive as to the tension in the house and while she is at this crucial stage of learning, it's important for her to feel safe.

nsld

Your situation is almost identical to mine in terms of the length of relationship, age of your child, circumstances etc.

I try my hardest to make sure my daughter is happy, all of my friends and family comment on how happy she is when she is with me. If you put the work into your daughter (she is your priority) then your job is done. If your partner can't get with the programme then you are better off without her.

BTW women are like monkeys, they dont let go of one branch unless they have a firm grip on another. Its worth having a look at emails, phone bills etc, you will be amazed at what you can pick up. Its also worth investing $100 in Spectorsoft www.spector.com best bit of spyware on the market, will show you everything she is doing on the PC second by second. Hopefully you will find nothing but I went through the accusations of affairs with clients/friends/whatever because she was looking for an excuse to justify her behaviour. A little bit of research and a couple of favours later and I had the full picture!

Good luck, and start saving, lawyers cost even more than a Scooby service!