worried

Guys, I need a bit of help. I'm a long term user of scoobynet, but for obvious reasons I'm not going to post under my own name. I have a problem and I need some help but i dont know how to go about it.

The situation I'm struggling to deal with is as follows:
My wife (25) was groomed by her uncle from the age of 10 til about 13. She was sexually abused and raped by him during this period as well as being force to do certain things and watch hard core pornography etc etc. This has given her HUGE emotional scarring and as a result she's a mess. Our sex life (although great) does seem to suffer, she has panic attacks, she's taken a while to gain confidence although is still shaky when it comes to meeting people/going places on her own.

She has recently confided in family members (her father and his other brothers) as she could take no more silence and hopes to get some closure on this. Her conselling (sp) is helping with the panic attacks. I dont feel like I'm explaining this very well but I'm pouring this out as it comes into my head.

She had to tell family to protect other young girls in the family (her cousin is approaching the age where she was first assaulted)

I cant come to terms though, with the family sitting back and doing nothing, which is what has been proposed to save the wife from having to go to court and relive the past. My arguement is that if he gets away with it, other girls may have been victims. And this sort of thing turns my stomach so I want to see him punished too.
He has also been found to have images on his PC.

The worst part is that he is a teacher.

I'm sorry for the long post but I'm at my wits end - I dont know what to do. This is driving my wife and I apart. I feel angry and sick when I think of him getting away with it and the fact that due to him my life is going **** up (selfish i know)

What options do i have? If I phone the police anonymously, theres no promise that he still has this stuff on his PC. I cant accuse him of sexually abusing my wife as her evidence would be needed and if he denies that then theres no physical proof.

If I track him down (easy due to his name and area he lives in) and "sort" him what would it achieve? Apart from me feeling better. The wife has already warned me off the 2 plans above - if I did it behind her back she'd find out it was me and think I breached her trust.

I cant deal with this

Help

boxst

Hello

Unfortunately the only way is to get your wife to report him to the Police. From what I understand they are very sensitive and supportive in these instances.

Certainly do not go and "sort him out" as you will get yourself into trouble and lose the trust of your wife.

You may wish to go to counciling with your wife to try and work through these things together.

Steve.

douglasb

If you need to talk to someone who will listen and can provide useful advice, try calling the Samaritans Samaritans

Doug

davegtt

Shoot the cu/\/t, best thing for sick people like that

so sorry to hear the problems your wife had to go through I couldnt imagine it its disgusting people like this do get away with it. to be fair you should do something for the sake of the other children growing up in the family as they are only gonna have to go through what your wife went through and neither you or esspecially your wife would wish that on a 10 yr old daughter no???

u have a responsibility to make sure the cu/\/t dont get away with it, even if hes just given a beating and warned off. probably better than being put in a secure unit and when let out in 2 years given a whole new identity with a job etc :angry:

sorry I cant be more helpful than that.

PG

He is a teacher !
This is a minefield mate. As much as I want to say "shop him" I cannot help but think of how it may effect your relationship with your wife?? I cant help but think once it was all done and dusted that she would see it was all for the best however perhaps proffesional councliing is the way to go here........

Sorry, I couldnt be of more help.
I know what I would do but you are in the middle of this all and know what the repercusions(sp) of each action would be.
Go with your gut feelings is as much help as I can give.

PG

Samaritans, good idea doug

Scooby96

It may be a good idea to inform the police that you think he may have inappropriate pictures on his pc. Do this via crimestoppers anonymously.

As sad as it sounds I'm sure your wife wasnt the first or will be the last - people tend to come out of the woodwork once a nonce is identified.

However I would encourage your wife to see sense in reporting the indecent stuff on his pc - that way if she still doesnt want to accuse him of the things he did to her she may get some satisfaction from seeing him locked up for something else.

I would be confident that someone like that would have incriminating stuff in his house somewhere or that once the police confiscate his pc they will be able to track his internet usage even if hes tried to cover his tracks. I'm sure his isp will bend over backwards to help any investigation of this gravity.

Good luck

47 NAT

Jeez, I feel sorry for you guys ..but you need to confront him and let him know that you know. I know this sounds easier said than done, but hopefully that'll throw the bejezus into him. At least that way it will hopefully stop it happenening to anyone else in the future ...

Personally I'd go out of my way to make his life pure hell as he has completly abused and violated anothers life and a junior at that [img]images/smilies/mad.gif[/img]

Sorry I cant come up with anything more constructive as its making my blood boil. I just hope your wife in time manages to pull through it and hope you dont do anything you might regret yourself later. It must be very difficult for you all.

Nath

Buckrogers

Police seems the only option. It must be done, to protect others in your wifes family and considering the job he is in.

Hopefully, the police can get to his pc, before he has a chance to destory any data.

Good luck.

Bajie

This makes my blood boil.

These under-humans only get away with their behavious as not enough victims are able to relate the abuse.
Then, when they tell a family member, father and brothers. Nothing happens.

Why oh why do we constantly hear people saying what should be done to these *******s and yet when told they curl up and refuse to act.
While they are shirking the responsibility to their child, they should actually put themselves in the victims shoes.

I feel for you mate, I really do. The problem you have is you know what will happen if you do take the correct course of action.

Scooby96

Forgot to add, I cant understand other family members not wanting to go to the police themselves.

An ex of mine was abused by her uncle - I didnt know for years but one day she broke down and told me. Her family were the same and didnt do anything about it. Eventually it drove us apart as all I wanted to do was go round and kill the ****.

To this day I dont know if anything was ever done - however approx 6 months after we split up the uncle sold up and left the area (he lived less than 2 miles from my gf's parents house).

These things are so prevalent - another ex of mine was also abused but she refused to tell me who it was so I still wonder to this day who it was. She never really got on with her brother and rightly or wrongly I put 2 + 2 together and have always felt that it was him. Glad I didnt act on my anger as I could have made a very big mistake. If you're sure of facts then if nothings done I would *have* to go and sort him out myself or at the very least get him locked up for something.

These type of people are rarely 'cured' - it would be like saying to any red-blooded man you cannot look at naked women, view hetro-sexual **** on the net etc etc

My current gf and I had a discussion about this following 'The Bill' lastnight.

As for him working with kids - FFS something needs to be done. If you dont want to ring up and shop him via crimestoppers I'm sure someone would do that for you....

worried

Guys

thanks for the swift responses. I've tried to get her to go to the police but she wont. She feels guilt in all of this. Apparently when a child is groomed by a paedophile this happens. She's been made to feel wanted and loved by him and anything she does to punish him will make her feel terrible. It took me a long time to understand how grooming works, but he's done a very good job of it apparently.
When we were talking last night she asked about how it *might* work if the police were informed of his PC images.

So are there any police out there who can help answer this? If I were to call scotland yard or crimestoppers anonymously how would they take this? Its all too easy for people to falsely accuse folks (especially teachers). How would the police go about it? Kick his door in at dawn with a warrant or what?

Re: the counselling(sp) unfortunately I'm the kind of bloke who doesnt do this kind of thing. Maybe i should, I dunno but at the moment my seething rage would manifest itself in me destroying the room so probably not a good idea.

This is emotionally draining, least of all remembering which user name to post under

Katana

Kill him then kill yourself. That way you cant be charged with murder and you will be a hero, no a martyr to society.

PG

If it is going to help your wife out of this I would start mate

PG

hypnosis ??
you say that the grooming implants these feelings. Could hypnosis not be a way of removing these suggestions and there for the guilt ?

Leslie

It is difficult to understand why the rest of his family won't do anything. Maybe they just don't want the notoriety of being associated with such a disclosure.

It is a terrible situation for you both, your wife for the dreadful treatment and also you for knowing about it and your feeling of helplessness. I think that the Samaritans may well be able to help you both as suggested. I think that somehow he should be brought to book. There can be no shame in shopping him if only for the protection of others. As someone said, your wife may hold the key by complaining to the police. She might come round to that eventually. I am sure that she would get a sympathetic hearing from them and it might go a long way to at least stopping his possible future activities.

Taking things into your own hands will cause you trouble which is just not worthwhile.

Les

Scooby96

I would have thought the police would discretely visit his house and confiscate his pc. If nothing is found then they'll just return the pc.

I know even this can attach a stigma however you KNOW he has done awful things so you wouldnt then have to deal with a wrongly accused person being on your conscience.

Ok your wife doesnt want to be involved (she doesnt have to be other than giving you the ok to report him). However she does have a 'moral' duty to protect other girls (and possibly boys) within the family and all the kids he has contact with through being a teacher. Christ he may even be involved in stuff at work like taking kids swimming, field trips involving overnight stays etc.

Personally I do feel crimestoppers is the way forward but it may take time for you to convince your wife. Whats the reaction of her brothers / parents???

russell hayward

If I were you I would go along to the Cop Shop and have a chat "off the record".

You don't have to involve your wife but if you can convince them you are genuinely worried about this man, they will no doubt look at him and see what he is up to at the moment.

They take these things very seriously, and if your wife did make a complaint, a detailed statement from her would be more than enought to get him charged.

worried

I've told her to read this from work and she's just e-mailed me:


My family are certainly

>not going to sit back and do nothing though i promise you, ***** is
>adamant that somethings gotta be done, as is ****** (brother 1's wife), dad wants to
support
>whatever i want to happen, obviously i dont know ***** reaction yet

(brother number 4 doesnt know yet)

Ch!lledBudwei2er

If your looking for a roundabout way to ask the police why not try on the five-o forum?

http://www.5ive-o.com/web/index.php

Mark Miwurdz

Dobbing him in to the police is the only course of action, I'm afraid.

It will be very hard on your wife, you and your family but this human turd is more than likely a serial offender and he must feel the full weight of the law now.

Please do not wait a moment longer before you report him.

Very best of luck.

Cheers
Kav

Bajie

If the whole family stand up and shop him, there is no way they can be stigmatised by the community.
With a bit of luck it might act as a message to others in a similar situation [lets face it, there are loads] to do something about this.

davegtt

Surely if u report the inncident to the police and your wife doesnt want to press charges your wife wont have to get involved etc and the family name wont get dragged through the mud ALTHOUGH if it was reported to the police surely they will have to look into his dealings being a teacher and looking at his PC. so you can get the police to look into it without your wife having to be forced into doing something shes not sure about.

messiah

Hate to see someone lose their job, but that person has business being in a school, If I had a child there, then they wouldn't be going again.

If nothing is done then he may think he get away with more than what he's already done. It can't be easy due to him being family, but my opinion is f*ck him and f*ck his job, he's obviously not concerned about the effect it's had on your wife (and the rest of the family), so why on earth should you be concerned about him? If it was a relative of mine I'd disown him - I'd rather not be associated with scum like that.

Tell the police - he doesn't deserve anything less.

If he has images on his computer, then that should be enough to have him locked away - your wife need not get involved and be saved from the distress of reliving the past that the police / courts will undoubtedly ask.

[Edited by messiah - 11/13/2003 10:55:02 AM]

damage

M8 I feel sorry for your wife and the greef this low life has inflicted, but if you say this scum is a teacher then unfortunately I think you have a civil duty to expose this ****. Just think of the damage he could cause to others if he is in contact with hundreds of teenagers at a school.

Hopefully your wife will see the +ve side of stopping this scum infliciting this sort of crime on others, because I assume they don't just stop their sorded low life ways.

Alternatively my vote is to get medieval on him

Goochie

I think reporting the PC images to crimestoppers would be the way to go forward from here.

I know someone who was raped by an ex boyfriend while she was at college on several occasions. When asked why she has never reported it she says she was too scared to do so. She now has terrible problems trusting anyone and often has problems working with people as a result. It is a very difficult situation as you often dont/wont know what the right thing to do is - or even if there is a "right" thing to do.

I obviously dont want to say who this person is but I will say that if I ever saw the guy that did it I'd make sure he was made to suffer either legally or through "other" means. People like that should realise the heart ache they cause and how is can put loved ones under great strain.

fast bloke

As he is a teacher, I would be worried that your wife is not his only victim. If your wife really wants to avoid reliving the past, you (you, wife and family) could offer him an ultimatum. Either he quits his job, seeks counselling himself and stays away from kids or your wife goes to the police, in which case he will lose his job, be kept away from kids and be forced to go to counselling in prison.

Scooby96

Prison is the only option IMO - dont think the ultimatum would work, he'd just disappear and start up somewhere else

The Zohan

I am really sorry to hear about this situation, this is tragic.

FWIW
I would contact the Police and ask about support for your wife, maybe this will help.

As for her feeling guilty, hopefully this can be delt with with some support and counselling.

More than anything the Police need to be informed. The priority has to be the saftey of other kids. With this disgusting man being a teacher as well his access to kids is unlimited and must be stopped. Whilst i realise there is no evidence without your wife's testimony the Police should be made aware. I am sure they can tell the difference between someone with honest concerns and someone trying to cause sh*t for he sake of it.


My heart goes out to your wife, she must be made to see that this man is the guilty person and she was a victim. He needs to be stopped before he ruins more young lives. She is unlikely to be the first or last victim, read somewhere the average is 13 kids they abuse, may be wrong, anyway one is enough. These people put themselves in positions such as teaching to have access to kids, they tend to be clever and manipulative. A teacher is in a position of trust by kids and parents, he has to be stopped. If threqatened he may just go elsewhere and start again. These problems do not go away, they just move on to pastures new. again, he must be stopped fior the sake of all kids. They deserve our protection.

Please contact the Police and help prevent this from happening again.

My heart goes out to you, what a dreadful situation for everyone involved. I hope you get it sorted out.

Good luck


[Edited by Paul Habgood - 11/13/2003 11:39:10 AM]