mel

thought i'd bring this back to the top, excellent thread, has had me giggling and cringing in equal quantities.

I know I'm not a bloke but i thought i'd share with you the blondest moment i've ever had (apart from thinking quiche started with a K lol )

I was only young (so hopefully i can be excused) it was morning at my dads house and i was making toast. Anyway i kind of forgot about the toaster and when i came back to it it was on fire! I had a vague memory of those public safety adverts and remembered something about using a wet teatowel to put out fires in the kitchen! how stupid can you get. Anyway in a panic i started soaking a teatowel in a sink...all the while flames coming out of the toaster coz i hadn't even turned the thing off. Luckily dad came rushing in before i had a chance to completely electrocute myself and sorted it out.
After he had got over the fact that he was seconds away from having a fried daughter he then told everyone and had a big laugh at my expense.

I also remember vaguely (i was only about 5) sitting next to the very 'rickity' table at my grandads house being fascinated by him developing photos on the table. He had trays of this and that chemical and was trying to explain to me what he was doing. I must have leaned over the table too far coz the whole thing went down i have a vague memory of all the liquid hitting the ground with a crash. I dont remember quite how it happened but the next thing i knew i was at the top of the stairs absolutely terrified and grandad was at the bottom telling me that it was ok, i wasn't in trouble, he'd calmed down now.

Another time i decided to help my poor grandad again in the garden, he was digging, so i grabbed a spade (i must have been young coz i could hardly lift it and it was as tall as me) held it as high as i could and then brought it crashing down into the soil...... and into my foot (i had little flip flops on and i smashed the spade into my naked toes) I had never felt pain like it, i was in agony.

The only thing daft i remember recently was Rich starting a fire with dead wood and petrol on top of a pile of horse manure. Nothing happened for ages and then I remember us running madly away from it as pockets of trapped methane exploded. One of the explosions shifted the whole pile.

[Edited by mel - 9/2/2003 10:54:33 AM]

Muffleman

Hi all - IT'S FRIDAY ! Time for some stupidity.

I used to have a 4-stroke petrol mower, and one spring I dug it out of the shed for it's first use of the year. But the bugger wouldn't start, so I presumed it was stale petrol. I emptied the tank down an open drain (the one the gutter runs into I think).
I then decided that this wasn't very clever, and that I should get rid of the petrol.....we all know how to get rid of petrol quickly !

So I tossed a lit match in - BOOM ! Ok, I was a little scared - I had visions of water spewing out of all the toilets and sinks in the house ! But I was starting to calm down when - BOOM ! A SECOND boom !?!WTF?!? And now the drain is on fire.....

Thankfully the flame died out and my toilets were fine.....

So come on lads, I KNOW I'm not the only one whose had a testosterone moment !!!



Matt

Duck_Pond

Was at the garden centre recently, buying eracious compost. Chose a big bag, and was offered assistance in carrying it to my car by the Sales Assistant.

As the SA was obviously over 50, and me being a fit (ahem) young man, I declined, and dragged the bag off the top of the pile.

It immediately became clear I'd bitten off more than I could chew, and as I felt my spine bending in an unnatural direction, I shifted the weight forwards.

D'oh! Stumbled forwards at high speed, past the SA, into the car park where I pretty much collapsed trying not to drop the bag.

Very sheepishly, I accepted the help of the now pi$$ing himself laughing SA, to get the bag into the boot of the car.

red_dog104

MEN!!!! LMAO

boxst

Hello

When I was a child, my friend's father worked for a pharmacutical company. He had aerosol cans of some medicine or other, and we thought it would be a great idea to light a fire around them, stand about 10 meters away and then shoot the cans with an air gun.

Well, I'm sure small nuclear explosions look similiar to what happened. And my eyebrows grew back eventually.

Steve.

* Edited for spelling *

[Edited by boxst - 8/22/2003 12:31:54 PM]

TVR Gary

Friend went to a large local pet store to buy a hamster .... young assistant came along and my mate asked about life expectancy etc...... assistant said if it dies within a week we will give you another one for free ...... Quick as a flash my mate asked with a straight face if he could extend the warranty to three months at a price, like with a TV or car ...Assistant got flustered, went to get his manager, who came back to see my mate killing himself laffing... Everyone then cracked up. Can you imagine an extended warranty on a hamster .,,,,,,haha

lpski1

A friend and me accidently started a small bush fire in a field next the school i went to. We was having a sneaky ciggie and was p1ssing about with a piece of broken glass trying to burn a small patch on the field, when it just flamed and spread !! Instantly jumped in the very dried out stream near it and was running backwards and forwards with handfuls of water. Absolutely **** a brick. Then had to go home and change, the only trousers that would fit my mate was my Dad's. LMFAO.

We are still pyro's now, when the BBQ has finished, its what can we burn time.

Edited to add : kicked my car door as hard as i could in a fit of rage, Broke my Big toe and had a rather deep dent in the door. !!

[Edited by lpski1 - 8/22/2003 12:41:17 PM]

mj

Duck -

did exactly the same thing on wednesday, though not with compost, my weapon of mass destruction was a 500KG air inlet duct...

Set about trying to move it while saying " that thing never weighs half a ton "

It feckin did - hideous crunching/grinding sensation my lower back, mega painful. Off to the osteopaths the next morning to be told I have a locked vertabrae


also, never try and kill wasps inside a triumph acclaim, parked in a petrol station, using an aerosol of WD40 and a lighter.........

SiPie

Long time ago

Mother and my ex girlfriend were going on about Women being able to take pain better (ie. childbirth/period cramps) and generally knocking the p155 out of guys so obviously not happy with this and as there just happened to be a boling pot of soup on the cooker I lost the plot and stuck a finger right into it and held it there whilst smiling to prove my point that men can take pain

Removed the skin and the soup was a bit chewy

Or

There was the time when I asked my mate Colin to brake 2 of my fingers on my right hand by swinging a 6'x 4' fencepost on to them whilst my hand was resting on a concrete bridge. But that is far too long a story

PS He succeded

Guys eh ?

NACRO

Got dead drunk and played the knife/hand game Aliens stylee!

I lost.

lpski1

this is gonna be a really good thread.

*sits back, feet on desk ready to keep reading and laffing.*

Muffleman

Hey this is great ! PMSL !!! I like the ciggie bush fire, and the wasp in the Triumph acclaim.

Keep 'em coming ...

boxst

SiPie:

Erm ........

Steve.

soup dragon

Not exactly my/our fault,but one Summer a very long time ago,whilst in the Army Cadets,we were on an exercise at Pirbright Barracks with the regular Army.One night we were used as bait by the regulars in an ambush exercise.Brilliant me and my mates thought,anyway to cut a long story short,thier ambush consisted of blank firing SLR's and thunderflashes,fekin loads of thunderflashes.Needless to say,thier ambush worked well,too well,they managed to scare the f*ck out of us cadets,which was anticipated,but also destroy about 2 acres of woodland by setting fire to it with thier thunderflashes,which was not anticipated.And then the wan*ers blamed us,saying that we set up camp and lit a fire.
It was like a fekin war zone,they must have done a whole stores worth of thunderflashes.

Bloody good fun though!!!

Badger Stuffer

Got really pi55ed not too long ago with some friends and we came across a shopping trolly that we were all taking it in turns to be pushed about in it.

The trouble started when we came accross the local skateboard park.

I was the stupid one that volenteered to be in said trolly as it was pushed around the park. Drop ins, 1/4 pipe, etc.

I felt fine at the time but the huge bruises and large gash in my arm and leg hurt like **** the next day.

Never again. Alcohol, shopping trollies and skateboard parks don't mix.

SiPie

Boxst

Extremely clinically depressed teenager

Now fixed and happy but still got 2 very squint fingers

LG John

It's ok, he's found his path in life now........thank fvck!

MJ, trying to move 500kg wasn't very clever! Even trying to move 250kg is a chore!

SJ_Skyline

Badger Stuffer

Pikey Tramp Layabout

Has to be when I was in the Falklands I was tasked with setting fire to the skip containing about a million tons of used cardboard and general army crap, so armed with 10 gallons of petrol that I nicked from the Snowcat store I climbed into the skip which was one of these huge Biffa type skips, and liberally emptied the 10 gallons of petrol all over everything, jumped out and lobbed in a match, nothing much happened so I looked over the top and saw the match smouldering then wooosh a **** off great explosion as the fumes caught the flame and I was blown off off my feet, not sure how long the fire raged for as I didn't hang around for very long after that and like Boxst the eye brows and hair grew back, I never did tell anyone what happened

[Edited by Pikey Tramp Layabout - 8/22/2003 1:08:49 PM]

Wurzel

iTrader: (1)

Damn posted under the wrong username!!! oh well c'est la vie

DRUNKNORGY

A few years ago I had a 5.5 ton Diesel Van (Dodge). Mate asked if I could collect something in it and I agreed.
Driving down the road with him @ 50mph, hes aking questions about the Diesel, I say 'oh yea they can run without a key' and proceed to take the key out and put my foot down. The Van accelerates and then the steering lock goes 'click' and we drift caross the white lines onto the other side of the road. **** me, I couldn't get the key back in quick enough. Lucky nothing was coming the other way

Scared the **** outa both of us.

LG John

When I was about 16 I was working for my dads building firm which has its premises right next to Edinburgh Airport. I was told to go down the yard and set light to all the old rubbish (of which there was several tons of mainly wood) and to have a controlled burn of it all.

After about 10 mins I realised that I'd pretty much lost control of the fire and the whole lot went up. The flames were licking about 50 foot into the air and the next thing I know about 5 airport fire engines turned up as they had seen the fire from the airport! They were suprisingly understanding

Flyboy-F33

Long time ago aged about 14, playing with the local kids in my street. We used to enjoy building airfix model planes and setting fire to them. One of the kids in the gang discovered that by mixing sugar and weed killer, you could create a fairly serious fire storm so we stuffed some inside one of the models. He then came up with a blank .22 cartridge from a starting pistol and put that inside.

We lit the model and all stood around cheering at the inferno until the loud crack was heard and one of the smaller kids fell to the ground clutching his shin and obviously in a great deal of pain.

Turns out he'd been shot in the leg by the blank brass shell, Needless to say the cops turned up pretty quickly and were asking lots of questions from mums and dads. No more firea after that!

Then there was the day we burned the garage down.....but thats another story...

lpski1

PMSL @ flyboy

what is it with Blokes and fire and blowing things up. ? ! ?

these threads are fecking well amusing.

CC

not that good but...

in work our pc's usually have the cd drive removed to stop people messing about, installing stuff etc...

this means when a pc needs something installing, we often need to put the cd drive back in....

one day of no particular significance a problem occurred with a pc whereby i had to re-install some software, so therefore i refitted the cd drive...

...after messing about with the case, ide cables, settings etc, it was fitted. i then noticed that the pc already had a cd drive...DOH! not lived it down yet. the question is how did i not notice ?

lpski1

CC was you perhaps showing off and fitting it blindfolded ?

Muffleman

This is great. But I would've thought fireworks would've made an appearance by now ?!?

Glad to see so many members of the 'Tim the tool man Taylor' church !!!

mj

yep - blank cartriges

I pinched some out of my dad's van as a kid - these were HILTI black caps - used to fire nails into steel. hit it with a lump hammer, 2 inch gash apears on forearm - still got the scar.

another daft one as a kid.... we had a curved semi-ciculat step outside the back door. In my wisdon I decided to put the empty milk bottles at the front of the step as opposed to the side - this so the milkman did't have to lean the extra 18 inches.....

.....came running out of the back door 10 minutes later - tripped, right w@nkspanner lands on the milk bottles - still got several scars.

oh yes, and never swallow a needle.......my brother stuck marbles up his his nose once, I can still see his legs flailing as my old man tried to "thumb" them out....

Wurzel

iTrader: (1)

Also never try to fire a Hilti nail into a stud wall

those Hilti balnks were brilliant, almost as much fun as setting off 7.62 rounds on the braising bench at school

Jen

More more!

Being a girl I don't have many of these moments...