The duck
06 February 2003, 11:10 AM
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him;
"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. "What the f*ck do they want with a plasterer?"
06 February 2003, 11:23 AM
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More duck related, with thanks to Adam K...
A German visiting London asks a hooker for a **** and she tells him it's twenty quid.
"Fine" he says, "but I'm a bit kinky".
She agrees that this is OK as long as he doesn't do anything violent.
They get back to her flat and he gets out four big springs attached to some straps.
"I want you to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he asks.
The hooker is worried that she's getting into something a bit heavy,butshe goes along with his request.
Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him which she does grudgingly.
Then he asks her to start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes a duck call whistle from his pocket.
"Blow on this while I'm ******** you" he tells her.
So he's banging away while she's bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle.
Suddenly she starts to enjoy the ********, so much so in fact that she experiences the most fantastic orgasm she's ever had.
After they've finished she says... "Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I've had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?"
"Ah," he replies, smiling......
........"Foursprung Duck Technique".
A German visiting London asks a hooker for a **** and she tells him it's twenty quid.
"Fine" he says, "but I'm a bit kinky".
She agrees that this is OK as long as he doesn't do anything violent.
They get back to her flat and he gets out four big springs attached to some straps.
"I want you to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he asks.
The hooker is worried that she's getting into something a bit heavy,butshe goes along with his request.
Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him which she does grudgingly.
Then he asks her to start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes a duck call whistle from his pocket.
"Blow on this while I'm ******** you" he tells her.
So he's banging away while she's bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle.
Suddenly she starts to enjoy the ********, so much so in fact that she experiences the most fantastic orgasm she's ever had.
After they've finished she says... "Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I've had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?"
"Ah," he replies, smiling......
........"Foursprung Duck Technique".
06 February 2003, 11:32 AM
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Another guy goes to visit a pro, this time wanting something really kinky,
The pro slaps herself on the back of the head and her glass eye pops out. " here,**** this" she says pointing at her empy eye socket.
The bloke does the honours, and is amazed how good it is.
This goes on for weeks and weeks, he can't get enough, but eventually the bloke's wife becomes suspicious.
The bloke goes to see the pro and explains he will have to cool it for a while due to his wife, but promises her he will be back.
"ok" says the pro -
"I'll keep my eye out for you"
wa,wa,waaaah
The pro slaps herself on the back of the head and her glass eye pops out. " here,**** this" she says pointing at her empy eye socket.
The bloke does the honours, and is amazed how good it is.
This goes on for weeks and weeks, he can't get enough, but eventually the bloke's wife becomes suspicious.
The bloke goes to see the pro and explains he will have to cool it for a while due to his wife, but promises her he will be back.
"ok" says the pro -
"I'll keep my eye out for you"
wa,wa,waaaah
06 February 2003, 12:11 PM
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And this is so old you probably won't remember it.....
Guy takes girl back to his cabin. Tells her to take off her kit and sit on top of the wardrobe. "While you're there" he says, "could you open and close the wardrobe doors with your legs as fast as you can". Whilst she was doing this the guy fills a bucket with water and starts throwing water all over her. At the same time he turns the light on and off rapidly.
"oi" she says. "What the hell is going on - I thought I came here for a f*ck.."
"A f*uck", he says
"in weather like this".........
Guy takes girl back to his cabin. Tells her to take off her kit and sit on top of the wardrobe. "While you're there" he says, "could you open and close the wardrobe doors with your legs as fast as you can". Whilst she was doing this the guy fills a bucket with water and starts throwing water all over her. At the same time he turns the light on and off rapidly.
"oi" she says. "What the hell is going on - I thought I came here for a f*ck.."
"A f*uck", he says
"in weather like this".........
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08 February 2003, 05:41 PM
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Mr and Mrs Duck have just got married, and are in the Honeymoon Suite of their hotels. They're about to get down to some serious duck sex when:
Mrs Duck says "We don't want any ducklings just yet, have you brought your condoms?"
Mr Duck says "No I forgot to pack them, don't worry I'll phone down to room service"
He does this, 5 minutes later there's a knock on the door. Mr Duck waddles over and opens it. There the Bell Boy says:
"Sir, I've brought you the condoms you've ordered, would you like me to stick them on your bill?"
Mr Duck says "What do you think I am, a pervert??"
Mrs Duck says "We don't want any ducklings just yet, have you brought your condoms?"
Mr Duck says "No I forgot to pack them, don't worry I'll phone down to room service"
He does this, 5 minutes later there's a knock on the door. Mr Duck waddles over and opens it. There the Bell Boy says:
"Sir, I've brought you the condoms you've ordered, would you like me to stick them on your bill?"
Mr Duck says "What do you think I am, a pervert??"