Devil's Refugee

Signs that your co-worker is not a team player
______________________________________________

Everyone else brings cookies. He brings Tupperware.

Weighs his Post-It note pad before and after lunch.

Always screws up your chances at big money and great sex by refusing to forward those chain e-mail messages you send him.

Always forgets to clean the glass after photocopying his butt.

Putting a shower curtain across the entrance to HIS cubicle was pretty cool, but the razor wire, machine guns and land mines seem a tad excessive.

Every suggestion you make during meetings is prefaced with, "Well, according to the Anarchist's Cookbook . . ."


Signs you need to change your present job
_________________________________________

You refer to dating as test marketing.

Your Valentine's Day cards are ticking and have bullet points.

You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt".

You insist that you do some more market research before you and your partner decide to have a baby.

You give constructive feedback to your dog.

You use the term "value-added" without falling down because of laughter.


Signs your present job is worthless
___________________________________

You find yourself looking forward to your next random drug test.

The only activity on your calendar is: Tuesday 9:00am -- Discuss Eastenders, Coronation Street, Holyoaks and Brookside at the water cooler.

People only come into your office to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

The 4th Division of Paper clips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry and General WhiteOut has called a new skirmish.

You actually figured out a way to get Gilligan off that Island.


What department do you belong in
________________________________

If you like taking office furniture apart you should be in Engineering.

If you always count the cigarettes in the ashtray you should be in Finance.

If you are always waving your hands and have a loud voice you should be in Consulting.

If you talk to chairs Personnel should be a good spot for you.

If you are one of those people that wear green sunglasses and desperately need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is the place for you.

If you have an odour problem you should be at the Helpdesk.

If you can convince us that the hardwood furniture does not come from rainforests we can do our Public Relations.

If you're always falling asleep during working hours you should be in Management.

If you always write down all your experiences you should be in the Technical Documents team.

If you never pay attention to anything you should be in Security.

If you can sweet talk any subject you should be in Marketing.


Time sheet codes
________________

5000
5001
5002
5003
5004
5005
5006
5007
5008
5009
5010
5011
5012
5013
5014
5015
5016
5017
5018
5019
5020
5021 Surfing the net
Reading/writing social e-mails
Waiting for your Lunch Break
Waiting for End of Day
Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Co-worker(s)
Buying and Eating of Snack(s)
Filling out Time Sheet
Scratching Myself
Sleeping
Not actually present at job
Ordering out
Planning a social event
Feeling sorry for myself
Pretending to enjoy your work
Pretending to work while your boss is watching
Pretending to work while your boss is watching
Complaining
Staring at computer screen
Gossiping
Extended trip to the bathroom (at least 30 min)
Talking with personal therapist on the phone
Recreational drugs use


Excuses for not coming into work
________________________________

"I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the food giant."

"Constipation has made me a walking time bomb."

"Have to wash my hair and have a bath."

"Food poisoning."

"I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be late, or early."

"My stigmata's acting up."

"I can't come in to work today because I am stalking my old boss because he fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?"

"My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace."

"My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son."


What classified ads really mean
_______________________________

"Competitive salary":
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join our fast-paced company":
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

"Immediate Opening":
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

"Sales position requiring motivated self-starter":
We're not going to supply you with any leads; there's no base salary,; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

"Self motivated":
Management won't answer any questions.

"Seeking enthusiastic, fun, hard working people:"
Whom still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

"Casual work atmosphere":
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well. A couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"Competitive environment":
We have a huge staff turnover.

"Exciting and Professional work environment":
Guys in grey suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends in their yachts.

"Join our dynamic team":
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes. "Must be deadline orientated": You'll be six months behind on your first day.



Reasons people think alcohol should be allowed at work
__________________________________________________ ____


It reduces stress

It's an incentive to show up

It makes fellow employees look better

It helps save on heating costs during the winter

Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar

You will no longer need coffee to sober up

Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk during their lunch break