THE 17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED
10 January 2003, 02:45 PM
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<disclaimer mode on>
I was sent this and to protect myself obviously this doesnt necessarily represent my own personal opinion
<disclaimer mode off>
And Friday is joke day
THE 17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED
1.MILKING IT:
When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail
and start jerking it like you were milking a cow.
Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to
strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and
should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The
sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of
the way down.
2.ROBOTS:
When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the
thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument;
it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked
from every possible angle.
3.SILENT FRIGHT:
If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation,
at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty
and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4.NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things
like "Ride my hard **** you filthy ****-sucking ****" or "I want to rinse your mouth
with my fresh, white love potion."
Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it.
Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
5.CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your
face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful
union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases -
but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
6.POOR PRESENTATION:
Presentation is all-important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style.
Roll over and present. You know you love it.
7.HANGING AROUND:
When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you.
You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should
leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number.
His work is done.
8.BEING SHY:
Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don't like it that much,
still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9.BEING A DRIP:
You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have
misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10.CLOCK-WATCHING:
Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie,
you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you
should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's ******** you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be
grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and
gifted human beings.
11.FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:
Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners
that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
12.PLAYING DEAD:
Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move
around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don't mind that and we're
blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your
appreciation.
13.BEING POSSESSIVE:
If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or
reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If
he's a real man he's probably ******** her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14.NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON:
Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your ***** look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date.
At best, it looks like the ****** of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the
manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be ********.
15.SPITTING IT OUT:
When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude
to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a
block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side.
A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
16.INGRATITUDE:
Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you -
especially if a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or
b) you managed to achieve an orgasm.
A man' s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
17.SEEKING FAVOURS:
Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow
to seek favours or make requests.
As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask:
Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country
cottage?" there is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material
gain...............
- prostitution.
I was sent this and to protect myself obviously this doesnt necessarily represent my own personal opinion
<disclaimer mode off>
And Friday is joke day
THE 17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED
1.MILKING IT:
When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail
and start jerking it like you were milking a cow.
Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to
strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and
should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The
sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of
the way down.
2.ROBOTS:
When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the
thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument;
it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked
from every possible angle.
3.SILENT FRIGHT:
If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation,
at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty
and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4.NO LAUGHING MATTER:
Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things
like "Ride my hard **** you filthy ****-sucking ****" or "I want to rinse your mouth
with my fresh, white love potion."
Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it.
Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
5.CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your
face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful
union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases -
but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
6.POOR PRESENTATION:
Presentation is all-important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style.
Roll over and present. You know you love it.
7.HANGING AROUND:
When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you.
You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should
leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number.
His work is done.
8.BEING SHY:
Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don't like it that much,
still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9.BEING A DRIP:
You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have
misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10.CLOCK-WATCHING:
Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie,
you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you
should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's ******** you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be
grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and
gifted human beings.
11.FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:
Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners
that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
12.PLAYING DEAD:
Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move
around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skilful work. We don't mind that and we're
blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your
appreciation.
13.BEING POSSESSIVE:
If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or
reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If
he's a real man he's probably ******** her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14.NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON:
Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your ***** look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date.
At best, it looks like the ****** of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the
manner favoured by the Playboy models that your man would rather be ********.
15.SPITTING IT OUT:
When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude
to spit it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a
block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side.
A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
16.INGRATITUDE:
Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you -
especially if a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or
b) you managed to achieve an orgasm.
A man' s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
17.SEEKING FAVOURS:
Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow
to seek favours or make requests.
As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask:
Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country
cottage?" there is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material
gain...............
- prostitution.
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