scoobyangel

anyone had any dealings with this and know of any good websites, books or resources?

i am dreading christmas this year because of it.

not my partner, but my partners mother who uses it on me... and i am getting so stressed about christmas day now that i feel sick at the thought of it
all because my partner and i have arranged to and see my mum and dad (who live an hour away).... we were invited to dinner but i thought it only fair we we have dinner and spend the morning/early afternoon with my partners mother as we are staying with her at the moment (until our flat is ready)... i already do all the cooking here, and the majority of the cleaning, we also pay rent and bills and buy all the food, even though i am no longer earning and she earns more than my partner... but its still not enough for her
i really wanted a nice quiet stress free relaxing xmas (being 8 months pregnant and swelling like a balloon!!) but am now begining to see that i will more than likely be expected to cook dinner and wait on her hand and foot as usual, and then have to encounter a major tantrum when it is time for us to leave to go to see my family.

its not as if my partner is an only child, he has 2 sisters, but they are going to their respective partners families for christmas dinner and so will only pop in in the morning.

this is only the tip of a massive iceburg.... and yes... if it was just this for the one day it wouldnt be so bad and i could cope with it.... but the fact that she has also informed me that when my partner and i move into our new flat she will be jacking in a well paid job, giving up her flat (she says she cant afford it without us there) and putting her stuff in storage to take up a summer contract that pays about £60 a week and means living in lands end until sept when she retires, then she will then come and stay with us for 3 days every month on her time off, and when the contract ends will live with us until she gets her own place (bearing in mind she will be 60, have no pension other than the government one and we are moving into a 2 bed flat)

sorry to go on... im just stressing my pants off!


anyways... any advice or books/resources anyone could recomend on how to deal with this kind of emotional blackmail would be really appreciated


fanx

shunty

know exactly what you mean scoobyangel....

had the same probs for years with my wifes family....
told all of them to fookoff, whilst they were all together, at a xmas party 5 years ago, havn't seen any of them since then, & it's bloody brilliant now
even had the wifes backing to do it I now look forward to xmas & new year

shunty

shunty

ps - 42 views & only me brave enough to comment eh
apparantly 1 in 3 couples have major family probs at this time of the year.....

shunty

Fuzz

A few stiff ones should sort all your problems out

.
.
.
DRINKS! girl DRINKS!

sounds like you have had enough of the other type

On a more serious note :
sorry I can't help

Andy

scoobyangel

mmm i thought that shunty... but then... maybe they got lovely in laws!!!!



i not wanna tell her to **** orff or nothing like that... i just really dont want the tears and a tantrum on xmas day (YES she is like a child)

and i certainly do NOT want her thinking that she is going to be moving in with us.... i just cant handle that

scoobyangel

LOL @ fuzz... believe me... if i could get pi55ed i WOULD!!!!


getting her pi55ed would only fuel the temper!

ChrisB

Sounds like you have to put up with on Christmas Day.

Once you've moved out, you can either carry on putting up with it.

Or tell her like it is, have a huge argument but feel better for sorting it out.

RB5320

my god this sounds like a nightmare. you are 8 months pregnant, you do the cooking and the cleaning - what on earth is your partner thinking of? you should be resting.
as for the mum - she earns good money and yet expects you to pay rent, bills plus food. this is hardly charitable. as she doesnt seem to have any strong views on family loyalty, why should you? when you get your own place make it clear that she can visit when invited, but as for her informing you when she will be staying with you???
I really think you need to set some ground rules before you get your new place. You and your partner should be looking forward to the birth and then bringing up your kid in a happy atmosphere. Be firm and make it clear what you priorities are - the baby, you and your partner, your respective relatives. In that order. Your partner's mum should see that this is how it is supposed to be. She should respect you for it. If she doesnt that is her problem.

Oh and by the way - Merry Christmas!!!

Steve

swan

SA, which is going to cause less stress in the long term? Having the discussion/argument sooner rather than later or letting it drag out for the next couple of months/years. By the sounds of it you're going to get stressed one way or the other but personally I'd prefer to settle it sooner, esp. with the baby on the way. If need be use the pregnancy against the MIL - "how can you treat me that way when I'm pregnant with your grandchild", etc. As it could influence the rest of your life (and your family's by the sound of it), take no prisoners.

Of course it's easy for me and others to advise, it's what will cause you the least pain/suffering in the long term that's important.

Jen

[serious mode]

Hiya SA,

Sounds like a bloody awful situation - but hey, I'm well practised at emotional blackmail things This is how I'd handle it, but then every situation is different, so of course you'll have to think about what you already know All the advice you'll ever read will recommend communication - and I reckon that's the best advice ever

You have to explain that whilst you are very grateful that she's given you somewhere to live it's only reasonable that you have your own lives and get to see your parents too...whatever you do don't worry about what's said back and get on with whatever you were planning to do e.g. if the crying fits and stuff start - make sure you still go out and just re-interate your above points. You said she's like a child - so treat her like one If your kid wanted you to stay home when you had to go out for an appointment you'd explain why you were going and still go, because you know you have to do it and they have to learn to live with it. *however* she is a grown woman so I wouldn't bother being as understanding as I would be to a kid

The main thing I've learnt: You can't let other people ruin our lives. Tell her she can't live with you and explain why i.e. 2 bed flat yourselves and a baby. It might help to give her a few options, e.g. Council housing, residents associations so you're not percieved as just leaving her "out int eh cold". TBH I'd take it a little further and ask for money for food etc. too.

Therefore IMHO: Talk to her, explain why, ignore any reactions and do what you want to.

She knows what she's doing - why should you ruin your lives over this? How has she coped in the previous years? Why should it just be your partner who has to put up with it as he has siblings? Stand up for your rights

(btw, this is very easy to say, but very hard to do - I'm getting there slowly but there's still stuff I can't approach - good luck! )

Oh, and for some proffessional advice:
http://www.google.co.uk/search?q=emo...-1&hl=en&meta=

Jen

Fuzz

I think your partner should have "a word" with his mother, try and iron out some things before the big day !
I can't believe she can expect you to cook on Crimbo day, 8 months up the duff
will she not help !!!

perhaps it would be best to go to your family for the day and sod the consequences.
what would be the worst senario ?
would she try and kick you out before your flat is ready ?
she can't be that heartless surely..can she ???

still thinking :|

Jen

everyone said it first - but! don't have an arguement!!!! don't shout - won't do anyone good in the long run and won't do your bloodpressure any good If you feel like you want to count to 4 before you say anything - can you tell I'm well practised with this kinda thing?!

scoobyangel

my partner is intending to have a word with her about all of this as it is getting to him too... its just broaching the subject is really difficult!

we know that there is going to be a scene with her ranting and raving and tears etc at some point, its just when it happens that is the thing... i have only seen her blow once and that was last month on my partners dads birthday (they are divorced) when his g/f invited us out for a meal with them and MIL wasnt invited... OMG did she loose it!!!!! then went on that no one ever took her out etc... making me feel i HAD to arrange a meal for her too!

neither me of my partner are ones for arguing, we have never even really shouted at each other (oh there have been cross words but we are pretty rational people!!) but.. i know its got to be done.....

i dont think she would make us homeless... but you never know, she did pack his sisters bags a few years ago as she wanted to spend xmas with her future husband... so anything could happen, but if that did happen i know my mum would let us stay there, just very very unpractical as they live in a different city!!
she does make threats, none of which are normally carried out cos most of them spite herself more than anyone else!!!

i have yet to see her today, as i havnt ventured doiwnstairs yet, but she usually comes up here for a "chat" anyway... so she prolly sulking about sommat.. i have to go out for petrol later.... and i'll have to sneak out the door else she will want me to take her with me.... ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh for some privacy!!!!!








maybe i should put a ad in the for sale section.....

Jay m A

iTrader: (2)

Hmm. I'll have a go.

Your partners sisters, do they suffer the same treatment now that they are away from home? probably not. Probably because (I assume) their partners won't stand for it?

Now it seems to me that once your newborn is upon you is is a very personal time and a completely new experience in life - no time for inlaws to be staying at your home, you'll need all the time you can get, no time for entertaining others - the littl'un will get all that!

The reason that she can't afford the place on her own isn't because you are moving out - how did she survive before you moved in?

Does your partner know how stressed you're feeling? I assume he does. At 8 months gone its YOU that should be top priority. Does his mother know how stressed you are? Best to get things into the open, probably by you and your partner sitting down with her and him explaining how you feel. If the thought of her moving in with you after Xmas is the thing thats winding you up then this is what has to be addressed.

I bet getting things off your chest by posting on here made you feel better, hang in there and don't let it get you down! Be positive, theres always a way

Justin

swan

Should have put the ad up BEFORE you told us about her. Hope you come right, soon!

sexy wrx69

you need to calmly speak to her and tell her that at 8 months pregnant you need to be relaxed and she is actually causing you huge ammounts of stress with the way that she treats you.
you need to tell her how you feel.


if that fails...tell your husband/partner that you will be at your parents for the whole of christmas day because you cannot take the stress of his mother any more. tell him that she cannot stay with you and that it is unfair of her to assume that she can when you will have a newborn around.


she sounds like a total bitch from hell to me. i wouldnt stand for it. but i partly blame your partner for not standing up to her when you and your child should be top priority.

i cant believe that you have to do all the cooking and cleaning in your condition!!!

scoobyangel

one of his sisters had the same problem a few years back, she bought MIL old house off her when she married, and said MIL could stay til she found herself somewhere.... 2 years later and sister had to be nasty in the end to get her to move out!!!


they dont have the same probs now, one sister has a child, lives a few doors up the road and has no space... other sister never visits unless she really has to!!!!


she coped b4 because my partner lived here and paid part of the rent, although not bills or food until i moved in too, unfortunatly she lost her job as the place shut down but she got seasonal work in lands end for the summer, which is why i moved in, so she didnt lose her home and had somewhere to come back to on the understanding that we being here was only tempory til we got our own place.. which we have now got, just waiting for completion!

we both think that as she has never lived alone before that she is scared, and we can appreciate this... but... the way she is going about it all is pushing us away from wanting to even try to help her, she just cant see that!

i dont expect her to change, she is way too old in the tooth for that.... and i know i have to find the courage to stand up to her and knock it on the head before it gets totally out of hand... its just to me its the hardest thing in the world!

johnfelstead

only answer from me is the simplest.

Just be honest about how you feel, you should never let people manipulate you like that, as you will get used to it and it becomes normal, which is not healthy!

In other words, tell her to **** off, you are grown ups, act like one.

(and to put this kind of stress on an 8 month pregnant, hormonal woman is utterly disgraceful, stick the boot in, it's the best option long term and short term)

TelBoy

Maria, sounds like a bit of a nightmare.

Just the thing you need at Xmas. Not.

[Edited by TelBoy - 12/23/2002 2:52:09 PM]

red_dog104

Whats wrong with your other half? He should be putting his foot down. You should be resting at 8 months pregnant.

She seems jealous that you have stolen her only son and she probably resents that you are as important in his his life, if not more, than her. Also the baby will be a threat.

She prob thinks you will crack and go mad at your fella and split up. Then she can have her little boy back.

Sorry if this has been said already but i couldn't be bothered to read all the posts!

I had a nightmare with my boyfriends sister. She still hates me (feeling is mutual) and I told my bloke her or me. He can visit her whenever but she is not welcome in our house and I won't support him if she gets him trouble (her usual trick). It's worked fine. He sees her once in a blue moon and she has actually started to be pleasent to me when we have the misfortune to bump into each other!

Be strong, tell your fella how you feel and get him to be a man about things or she will destroy your relationship.

Good luck

scoobyangel

nightmare it is....!!!



just went for a shower... had to mop the bloody bathroom before i could even think of getting to the shower!!!!!!grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr [img]images/smilies/mad.gif[/img]

got cornered with "i am going to have to see if i can afford a taxi to work tonight as the bus gets there too early and its raining" whinged at me with the pleading "please say youll take me in the car" look... i walked away

and now the t.v is so loud downstairs i can hardley hear myself type


off for Gaviscon and petrol now.... now remind me... which goes where??

scoobyangel

She prob thinks you will crack and go mad at your fella and split up. Then she can have her little boy back...




Red.. neva gonna happen..... he no mummys boy.. but he has learnt to ignore her after 30odd years.. whereas its all new to me still!!!
we have had a chat and he IS going to address matters with her, its just finding the appropriate time, neither of us want to be out and out nasty to her, though if it does come to that she will only have herself to blame!

red_dog104

Feel sorry for you chick. Good luck and try to enjoy Christmas. Let us know when you have baby I'll be thinking of you

Fuzz

just went for a shower... had to mop the bloody bathroom before i could even think of getting to the shower!!!!!!grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr [img]images/smilies/mad.gif[/img]

please explain why you needed to mop the bathroom floor !!!

If "she" left it in a right state, then "she" can bloody well clean it up....



Andy

Markus

OMG! This is totally appalling!

I echo Mr F's feelings, a pregnant woman should be resting and not having to do lots of cooking cleaning and putting up with some battleaxe.

Glad to hear your partner is going to have a word, until I'd read that bit I was going to wade in with the "What the **** if your partner doing about this?" thing, but I don't need too.

Just make sure he DOES talk to her, and I too do not mean a shouting match, BUT if that's the only way to make her understand, then, well, it's the only way to make her understand.

No matter what happens, I hope xmas is ok for you. If I was you, I'd book into a nice health spa for a day or so of relaxation, which is what you need and deserve.

I really cannot understand some people some times.

Hope it all works out for you, I really do.

jbryant

Leaving a bathroom floor wet and in need of mopping when there is a lady in the house who is 8 months pregnant is one of the most selfish things I can think of. Heartless old crone - does she not even realise the danger that can cause.

It may be her house but she has to at least leave the place safe for you to live in. Is she actually happy for you both with the arrival of the new baby, or is she trying to 'win' her son back?

I hope you can sort this out, but a hefty 'chat' is in order.

Joolz

PS. Anyone seen Hollyoaks over the last few days (Sad, I know, but it's relevant). Similar sounding battleaxe on there

scoobyangel

she seems happy about the baby... but who knows!!!!!


yes it was her that leaves the bathroom like that every time she has a shower..... other night she also left the gas oven on all night threw a tantrum the other morning cos my partner unplugged her video etc b4 going to bed and she wanted (so she says) to tape something (we unplug all electrical stuff at night, specially stuff that is in adapters) she had a go saying we trying to save electric .... my partner say "no... but we DO want to wake up in the morning"!

tell ya... its like living with a child

after the incident with the cooker,btw, the door fell off the oven the next day when i was using it

just had a letter to say there is a **** up with the solicitors acting for us with our flat purchase... so that gonna take longer it seems, god only knows if we even gonna be in there b4 baby is born.. though i cant get an answer from anywhere to know whats going on





anyone want my stress for chiffuss???? i giving it away FREE!

Brun

It is your bloke's duty to sort this situation. You are way pregnant, so he needs to forget his Mother and get his priorities straight.
My bird's family is a funny bunch. Nice and all that, but Kaz seems to get it in the neck for nowt. Very unreasonable.
Any way, sit back, relax and look after yourself, and your child.

RB170

I't your life and if she's making you unhappy then don't include her in it and tell her to F*CK OFF.

If your partner knows how stressfull it is for you then he should tell her himself.

You only get one life and it's far too short to let people like this ruin it for you

Ralf

Hope you had a reasonable christmas.

Your relations need a major clean up. Make sure of your partners position. He should do all the negotiating to keep you out of the line of fire and save you any more stress. It may sound heartless but you should destroy her completely, some people never learn... Besides, you apparently have put up with her long enough, so why should she change a winning strategy?
It may sound stupid as it is clear what you want, but write all points down for yourself. It helps you to put these in words and mention all of them in the debate.
Also set yourself a deadline for the big debate, say Jan. 5th latest.

And think again of the best advices from above:

Don't let other people ruin you and your babies life !


Be strong