I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!"

Kinky bitch.

 

When did the old man get set on fire?


Cos he lived in a rough neighbourhood and he was a ****.

 

Woman gets hit by a car and put into a coma for a year, one day when they're washing her fanny they notice a reaction on the monitor, so when her husband come to visit they explain this and suggest oral sex as a way of bringing her out of the coma.

So he goes in and a few minutes later the monitor starts to flat line, nurses run in, his wife is blue and he's got his trousers round his ankles putting his *** away.

 

Q: How does an ethiopian woman know when she's pregnant?



A: When she pulls out her tampon and it's half eaten.

 

A woman has just delivered a baby in hospital and the midwife takes it away to be cleaned up. After a few minutes the doctor comes to her bedside and says 'I've some good news and some bad news'. The woman says 'Ok, give me the bad news first then'. The doctor says 'Ok, well you're baby is ginger'. 'Oh' says the woman, 'What's the good news?'. Doctor - 'The good news is it's dead'.

 

say what you like about paedeophiles, at least they drive slowly past schools

 

OK this is nothing to do with me but was voted the sickest joke on an American webiste where they were discussing Jimmy Carr and Frankie Boyle et al.

How do you make a six year old girl cry twice?

Wipe your bloodied dick on her teddy bear!

 

That's the great thing about f**king twenty eight year olds.... there's 20 of them!

 

why do german showers have 11 holes?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
because jews only have 10 fingers

 

you are one sick **** shreksta



my 8 year old daughter emailed me earlier while I was at work
'dadthespacebaronmylaptopisntworkingproperly'
I replied with 'what do you want me to do?'
she replied 'canyoupleasecomehomeandgivemeanalternative'
I though 'at last', I told my boss to f**k off and I was going home, I jumped in my car and was speeding home as fast as I could, but I couldn't help thinking what the hell does 'ternative' mean

 

i had an..........erm..........strange up-bringing

 

My wife just said, "It's your turn next, what do you want for Father's Day?"

"A *******" I replied.

"Ha-ha, but what do you want from your daughter?"

I am sick to death of repeating myself to that woman.

 

Shaky hands get the shyte off peoples' teeth twice as fast mate

 

I went into a pub and asked the landlord "What specials have you got today mate?"

"Well" he said, "I've got a bloke in a wheelchair in the toilet having a ****, and a down syndrome girl on the pool table."

 

As a boy when I was feeling a little sick I'd let my mother stick a thermometer up my ****.

If I was feeling really sick, I'd let her use a couple of fingers.

 

what's the difference between a mp and a public toilet ?





















not a lot most of them are white and full of ****

 

I asked the wife what she wanted for valentines day.
She said I will give you a clue England goalkeeper.
.
She thinks she's getting Flowers instead she's getting Seaman.



.
Not sick but made me laugh

 

What's black and goes to school on a Monday ??







Aberfan pit tip !!

Sorry

 

You can't pick up sand with a pitchfork........

 

actualy i have booked my wife and I a table for Valentines day


Not sure she will enjoy tbh - she is **** at snooker

 

What's the difference between a baby and a choir master............... A baby sucks his fingers

 

I see its over 30 years since the Falklands war and Simon Weston hasn't aged a day.

 

The original answer was "you can move one with a pitchfork", but the above was pretty good too

mb

 

My girlfriend and I went out for a meal last night. The other customers were calling me a paedo. Well, I suppose they noticed that I'm 50 and she's 23. It ruined our 10th anniversary dinner though.

 

You got it - well done!

mb

 

A bloke and his girlfriend wants to get some excitement into their sex life so she says that he can ask her to do any 'scenario' and she'll do it.

"I wanna do the rape scenario" he says. She looks at him in disgust and says that she doesn't want to.

"That's the spirit" he replies.....

 

Oooooh, that's getting used at work tomorrow.

 

What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?

You can't gargle sand.

 

Ripped off from a film..

so theres a child molester and little boy and they are walking into the woods. They keep walking further and further its gets darker and darker and they go deeper and deeper..

After a while the Kid looks up and says to the molester "geez mister I'm scared " to which the molester replies "you think your scared? I've gotta walk out of here alone"

 

How do you make a gay **** a woman?
Shi t in her ****

What orange and blue & sits at the bottom of the pool?
A baby with **** Arm bands

What blue and ***** old people?
Hyperthermia

How do you know when girls are ready to ****?
When there crawling there in the right position

What's the difference between maddie and the pope?
Pope died a virgin

Devanition of desperate?
Vampire sucking on a used tampon