I saw your name on a loaf of bread in Tesco's today but when i looked again it said
Thick Cut

 

How do you make a cat go woof!?










Cover it in petrol & throw a match on it.

 

What do you throw a black man if he's drowning?
His wife and kids


Whats faster than a black guy running down the road with your tv?
He wee brother with your DVD player

 

^^^^you changed those didn't you

 

Little bit yes

Just removed the 'N' word

 

i knew it. there's me thinking you had swingers. pfffttttt mr not so risqué

 

What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic.

What's 12 inches high, sparkly and sits at the end of a kids bed?
Gary glitter's boots.

A bit more obscure:

What's blue and square?
An undercover orange.

 

What goes "plink, plink, fizz"?

Two babies dropped in sulphuric acid.

 

The punchline to this is actually "Two babies in an acid bath"

 

What is the difference between a pile of sand and a pile of babies?

...

mb

 

What is red, and hangs from the ceiling?

...

mb

 

What the difference between a bucket of sand and a bucket of pigs afterbirth?























You can't gargle sand

 

Read this one in the toilets in Camp Bastion-

Whats the difference between jelly and jam?




















You can't jelly your **** up a dead girl's @rse!

 

^^^^^ you SAS boys raping and pillaging again

 

A peadophile and a kid were walking through a dark creepy forest
and the kid looks up and says 'im scared' - the peado says 'your scared - iv'e got to walk back on my own'

 

SA(F)S
Special (very special!)
AIr Force
Spunkguzzlers.

I really need a new job!

 

My mate at work gave me a DVD called "Bald and Barely Legal", imagine my disappointment when I found out it was about tyre safety

 

A recent survey of women asked "is your c*nt still sensitive 10 minutes after s£x"
98% replied no, he was asleep in bed

 

What's the best thing about f**king twenty seven year olds?










There's twenty of them

 

My friends car was a total write off, it was covered in blood, mud, leaves and grass.
I asked "what's happened" and my friend replied " I ran over Wayne Rooney". I said, "well that explains the blood but what about the mud, leaves and grass?" My friend replied "He tried to escape across the park".

 

I just watched my dog chase it's tail for ten minutes and I thought to myself
'Wow, dogs are easily entertained.'



...Then I realised, ...I just watched my dog chase its tail for ten minutes.

 

You never know though...he might have caught it!

Les

 

Barack Obama is on one of his public outings on the coast and he sees an obvious redneck fishing a black guy out of the water. Obama feels a lump in his throat; this is what he has been working towards all his life. Suddenly, Cleatus throws the guy back into the water. Obama is confused and outraged. He runs across, pulls the guy out of the water and asks Cleatus, 'What the hell are you doing, man?'
Cleatus replies 'Ahm shark fishing, Mr president'

 

Cringe

 

The missus came home steaming drunk last night. "You up for some role play action, babe?" She asked with a wink.
"Not really." I replied.
"Oh, come on." She said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror.

As I shouted "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs

 

Stolen from Sickipedia:

Apparently Adele is meant to be doing the theme to the next James Bond. What the **** will they call the film?
Dr. No Salad? Thunderthighs? Pies Another Day?

 

Live and Let Fry?

One Burger is Not Enough?

 

My girlfriend left me because she thinks I have no respect for women.

I'm not sure what she meant exactly but I'm gonna miss her ****.

 

Four More Pies Only. Man with the Golden Bun. Licence to Fill. Goldenpie. Chicken Royale. The World is Not Enough.

 

spoonraker