kingofturds

iTrader: (1)

Tell her if she carries on like that she has 3 months to move out. I thought I was hard done by shelling out £20 a week and having my washing and cooking done for me. it was only when I moved out I realised how bloody hard and expensive things are.
By the way if anyone has a spare room and wants to earn £20 a week washing my crusty y fronts give me a pm

jonc

She is 18 and if she wants to be treated like an adult, she needs to behave like an adult and take some responsibilities for day to day running of the household. Kids need to learn to take responsibilities and earn respect. They will learn a hard lesson when they leave home that not everything is handed to them on a plate.

David Lock

I would be very upset if I was in the OP's position. Clearly it's a complicated situation and perhaps one that needs professional advice rather than guesswork from here.

I think I would let the dust settle and have a good old chin wag with mum. I am not convinced that removing privileges, Sky etc, is of any real benefit as this will just lead to more resentment. The "I'll teach her a lesson" mentality won't actually help in the long term IMHO.

A key is the relationship between mum and daughter. Perhaps mum can establish if there is something behind this outburst. A problem with college/work/boyfriend/pregnancy/drugs which she took out on anyone in the firing line.

You don't mention her dad and if he fits in at all then this could be a clue.

Very best of luck. dl

Terminator X

iTrader: (7)

The Mum should sort her out with you stood there too. Parents need to stand together with kids, more so when step kids are involved.

Bad behaviour should = something "bad" happening (action & reaction). When kids get no reaction to it, is it any surprise that they just carry on ...

Bad parenting IMHO

TX.

Terminator X

iTrader: (7)

Give me a break! You think there should be no reaction to the daughters outburst how will/did she learn to distinguish between what is right & wrong without a reaction ...

TX.

Jamz3k

My last few years at home with my Dad went quite badly as I got to an age when I could think for myself and didn't see him as my Army Superhero Of A Dad anymore, I took great joy in him being unable to punish me in anyway as I paid my way in the house, ate my own food, paid for my own sky etc, I was my own man but still respected him as I was under his roof. My Dad got on the same way as this wee girl and it lead me to leave my home before turning 18, does Jods want to end up leaving his home because of her? Doubt it, so get her out first.

PS. My Dad is a DLA scrounging CUNT of a waste of space!

David Lock

I am just saying calm down, let the dust settle and try to find out what is really going on - which may not be achievable of course.

Confiscating TV etc will just heighten the tension. Do it for a 12 year old perhaps but not an 18 year old as it just won't work. Sling her out, abandon her but what good is that going to do? dl

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

perhaps removed the SKY Plus box and replace it with a Bag of "Free Range Dog Eggs" and a few dirty pots to reinforce the link.

I am not sure its "Kids today" or whether I was any better but I wouldnt put up with that, they want it all, for nothing and the quicker the link between effort and reward is re-established the better off they are.

Terminator X

iTrader: (7)

There has to be a "punishment" of some kind (appropriate for the age of the daughter) otherwise lessons arn't learnt ... this is the case for kids, young adults & even old b*stards IMHO Bad behaviour is reinforced when parents don't react.

TX.

alcazar

iTrader: (2)

Has anyone stopped to ask what MIGHT be going on with the girl? Eighteen year old girls are NOT adults, no matter how they look, and she may have a prblem that needs looked at before any REVENGE is thought of

The Zohan

Yes, i did and a few others...

jonc

But that is still no excuse kids or adults for giving your guardian/parent a complete barage of abuse. I would never dream of doing this to my parents and have never done so in my life. I treat my parents with the utmost love and respect and I expect the same from children. The OP only asked that she pull her weight which isn't unreasonable and if she is having issues, being abusive to your parents is going to help no one.

[-(o)-]

iTrader: (1)

+1 Alcazar. This is the OPs step-daughter, not some feral ASBO kid causing trouble. Families are meant to support each other. Yes shes out of line, but try and establish a reason before dishing out punishments. I doubt she even knows what shes done, which you need to correct, but don't write the kid off. If shes been decent up to now theres something thats provoked her reaction.

The Zohan

This is true, however this on the face of it looks like a one-off - not a persistent pattern. I would look to a reason why the outburst occurred which explains the outburst, not excuses it.

Chucking your kids out for one transgression (swearing) - not great parenting - better to get to the root of it sort it out and lay down the ground rules again.

If it happens again then carry out the 'punishment' if it fits the crime

everybody deserves a chance - even your own kids

Terminator X

iTrader: (7)

Support to tell each other to **** off it's no wonder this country is going down the pan with such a soft approach ...

TX.

[-(o)-]

iTrader: (1)

What do you expect in the world these kids have grown up in? I'm surprised any of them manage to make it to maturity.

Encourage the girl to take responsibility for her actions, offer guidance as an adult, set an example. Only if that fails do you pull the rug out from under her.

The Zohan

+1

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

Regardless of what is going on in her life, doing a few pots and scooping a few Turdleys isn't that big an imposition, half an hour, an hour tops, even if she is on Smack, Pregnant, having Boyfriend troubles or whatever, nothing gives her the right to be such a bad tempered cow, especially if she has not told you or her mum she cannot expect any consideration for whatever it is, suspect it is just ladies monthly stuff and being a bit of a lazy little sod.

Leslie

Sounds to me that she needs a proper sorting out. As you mentioned initially, respect for your elders is important and in this case where she is sponging off you and not prepared to be of any help around the household either. MMT WRX seems to support her attitude. Does he think she is entitled to take all your support and give nothing in return? It is time she realised that we all have to make our own way in the world. If I had a mouthful like that from the likes of her she would find the skids under her immediately.

It is of course up to her mother to approach her in the first place, but as the head of the houshold and the main provider, you have ultimate say in the matter and she had better learn very quickly where her responsibilities lie!

If you do nothing it will get worse and she will rule your lives.

Les

davyboy

I know a few 18 year old girls, at it seems this in normal behavior, nothing to do with being a step dad.

At this age, boys seem much better!

The Zohan

Reading some of the comments on here and glass houses and stones spring to mind.

To recap it appears that this outburst is a 'one-off' and the kid hasn't been doing her chores. OK not good but punishable by being kicked out - really haven't some of us done stuff that we regret and other kind enough to forgive???

Kids need love, care, education (by parents as well), understanding and boundaries set, no argument from me.

If this is an out of character outburst then treat it as that and it could be for a raft of reasons teenagers have and believe are important to them - most of us where teenagers at one time!

It does not excuse but it might well explain the outburst.

It is harder to work at the relationship instead of just writing it off and that is a shame!

I wonder just how many offering up some of the pearls of wisdom contained in this thread actually have kids and/or any real world experience of parenting and would write of their own kids so easily...

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

Let her get away with that and you are writing her off, thinking that is an acceptable reaction to being reminded that there was a reciprocal arrangement in place and that she may like to uphold her end of the deal is not on, I am sure she wouldnt be happy if you cancelled the Sky Direct Debit and it went off half way through Americas next top Model or some **** like that.

remove the viewing card, she gets it back once the pots are done and the lawn is a turd free zone, in fact stick the ****** in the post back to her every time there is a transgression, couple of days at the mercy of Royal Mail.

The Zohan

So, you think that finding out why/what was behind it is not important or relevant? (as i said not excusing the behaviour more about explaining it - it appears this is a one-off) and an apology then going over the ground rules and what is expected from her, knowing that if she gets it wrong again she is out is letting her off do you???

Let her learn the lesson, give her the chance to apologise and then conform to the house rules and to the chores list knowing what the consequences of getting it wrong are.

Have you never got mad and reacted badly before??? ever regretted something you have done/not done and wanted a second chance...been given a second chance. Trust and responsibility and showing a little tolerance (in the right circumstances) can work for you if used right.

This is not about 'letting her off' as you put it but if she wants to be treated as a young adult then try doing just that!


Stones and glass houses...

Leslie

Yes of course!

Les

David Lock

I wonder if the kid really feels a part of the family? 18 is an age when one wants to get away and may see her home just something she has to put up with in turn for loading the dishwasher and shovelling s,hit.

Question for the OP. Did you do something special for her 18th? When was the last time you asked her if she had a friend or friends that wanted to join you for the Sunday roast?

FWIW I think the "tasks" given to your daughter are totally inappropriate and demeaning. My kids had tasks but we were all fairly laid back about it and they would help us parents when we wanted something and we helped them.

I had the odd row of course but looking back on some of these and reflecting I realised that I had overreacted in some cases - not always mind!!

dl

The Zohan

David is that you in the 'Give Quiche a Chance' T-shirt?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6UIh3EjI7A

belliott69

iTrader: (3)

whats demeaning about these chores, maybe the dog is the young girls and its her job to clean up after it, and whats wrong with the girl doing the dishwasher, she's lucky she doesn't have to do it in the sink.

if it was me i would take the sky+ away until i had an apology that meant something, not a quick sorry. i wouldn't resort to thowing the child out as thats just a bit to ott for my liking.

alcazar

iTrader: (2)

Agreed, it's NOT an excuse, but it MIGHT be an underlying reason. Look into it first, surely?

Unless, and the OP has not said so, she ALWAYS responds this way?

A bit like a dog that snaps at you when you touch it. Not normal, and he's in pain because of a wasp sting..........and you didn't know.

J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

Lol, like Greater Manchester Police had a sit down whilst I had a cry when they wanted to know why I did 76 in a 50 and let me off, she needs some boundaries and any decent parent should already know what is going on through regular contact and open discussion with their kids.

As for demeaning, I am 40, I clean toilets, I shift Dog **** off the lawn,I changed nappies,I cut the clinkers of the Dogs bum, I get on a push bike and go to work at 7am, I crawl under the floor to fix pipes, I cut down trees, there is nothing I wont attempt or do to save money and keep the house going, why does a kid get to avoid the realities of life, sounds like you may end up producing another Paris Hilton "Oh my god that is like, soooooo gross", no its not its a shovel a Tescos bag and some Dog Poo, its not like she has been told to go to Hellmand province like loads of people her age.