Congratulations, Ant

Who's the mother?

 

Congratulations to you both

 

Taken from an earlier thread...

Test 1 - Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-

1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for children:-

1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.


Test 2 - Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which
they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.

Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.


Test 3 - Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.


Test 4 - Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

Time Allowed: 5 minutes.


Test 5 - Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.


Test 6 - Going For a Walk

Wait
Go out the front door
Come back in again
Go out
Come back in again
Go out again
Walk down the front path
Walk back up it
Walk down it again
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.


Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.


Test 8 - Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.


Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.


Test 10 - TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies, Thomas the Tank Engine and Playhouse Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.


Test 11 - Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.


Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.

You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.


Test 13 - Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.

You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.


Test 14 - Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

 

All of the above is so true!

 

Just a little update had our 12 week scan today and all is healthy and good, It was such a amazing feeling seeing the baby on the screen the nurse gave my wife tummy a little shake and the baby started moving didn't really feel real till today actually seeing it.

 

Amazing mate

I still remember how I felt seeing my 2 boys on the first scan.

Best moments of your life - until the day of the birth

 

wow, driving at 12 weeks

Congratulations mate, I feel both happiness and commiseration for you

 

Been dragged to shopping this evening already , that didn't take long

 

Bye bye anything male related - hello Mamas and Papas

 

Welcome to the world of nappies, v tech toys and anything travel system related!!

I bet your so happy! Mr P's face when our first was born was amazing. It's a boy!!!!!!!! He was absolutely ecstatic, even moreso when we had our daughter seventeen months after.

Get some sleep in now while you can.

 

im not going to say its easy cause its not,my little one is 6 on saturday,i found it quite difficult to adjust to at first but you get used to it,i love being a dad,wouldnt have it any other way! congratulations mate.

 

Congratulations big lad

Your life will turn upsidedown I can assure you

Plus you'll not be getting a ride for a while either

And remember, at the birth - stay at the top end because you don't want to see anything "peeking"
And secondly you'll only be thinking "****, I can't complete with something that size"

 

Congratulations.

A whole world of brightly coloured plastic, sleep deprivation and noise is coming your way.

My two have certainly changed my life over the last two years, progressing from not doing much to hooning around the house being obsessed with pirates and dinosaurs

 

Not all women ban sex when they are pregnant

 

Not all women ban sex when they are pregnant

 

 

My OH is a squirter (That's down to me off course) When she was preggers she was worse!!! I had to pump her in the bath

HTH

 

I'm not sure what I believe less, someone telling all the guys on here his Mrs is a squirter, or that a pregnant woman AND a man actually fitted in a bath together AND had sex.

 

That's terrible...





...imagine having a dad who drives an Audi





Congratulations

 

 

Is it confusing you a little?

 

That's twice you've said that now!

 

care to elaborate?

 

Is it

 

Your the one who was scratching your head at my post......

 

That sounds like how most of the houses I visit in response to a 999 call, look like before they've even got children...

Would it have been less kinky if she'd been carrying your child? Boyo.
Come by.

 

Whatever

 

Ooop yours

 

I'm only having a laugh by the way

 

Yep. I was bored and couldn't sleep.