Anyone else got a wife/partner whose life centralises on your children?
07 July 2006, 09:20 PM
#31
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Originally Posted by J4CKO
Fookin ell, welcome to my world, you my friend have to lower your expectations a little and stop thinking of oneself, it is ineviatable that when you have kids you will get your nose pushed out, you are no longer number one priority, you are the provider, to be honest you get used to it and become grateful for small mercies like 50 quid not allocated to kid stuff or a day off when they are at school, perhaps a BJ on your birthday.
I earn good money (40k) but never see any of it for stuff I want, I drive a shonky old Saab yet lurk on here seeing what you lads buy and it does **** me off a bit sometimes but I have learnt to live with it, maybe I dont get to spend on gadgets and cars but I have 3 sons which to me is important and my life made more sense when I realised my position in the scheme of things, the kids being young is a finite time to be enjoyed, dont miss it by being bitter and jealous, just go with it, put up with all the bollocks that women bring to it as they do it in the best interests of the children, you are healthy, able and big enough to sort youself out.
Basically bear with it, be stoic, her rock, do your duty and after a few years you can chill again.
Saying that,
Us fathers in this day and age have a bit of a raw deal, my grandad and my dad always came home to a cooked meal and a clean house, maybe thats chauvanistic but its true, nowadays women dont do the domestic stuff yet want to ponce about town being all independant but which muggins ends up doing the dirty jobs and making his own tea ?
I earn good money (40k) but never see any of it for stuff I want, I drive a shonky old Saab yet lurk on here seeing what you lads buy and it does **** me off a bit sometimes but I have learnt to live with it, maybe I dont get to spend on gadgets and cars but I have 3 sons which to me is important and my life made more sense when I realised my position in the scheme of things, the kids being young is a finite time to be enjoyed, dont miss it by being bitter and jealous, just go with it, put up with all the bollocks that women bring to it as they do it in the best interests of the children, you are healthy, able and big enough to sort youself out.
Basically bear with it, be stoic, her rock, do your duty and after a few years you can chill again.
Saying that,
Us fathers in this day and age have a bit of a raw deal, my grandad and my dad always came home to a cooked meal and a clean house, maybe thats chauvanistic but its true, nowadays women dont do the domestic stuff yet want to ponce about town being all independant but which muggins ends up doing the dirty jobs and making his own tea ?
07 July 2006, 09:47 PM
#32
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Originally Posted by J4CKO
Fookin ell, welcome to my world, you my friend have to lower your expectations a little and stop thinking of oneself,
nonsense.....a family is a team, no one should feel left out. The kids going to school on time is no more important than making sure we dine out once a week.....both are very important!
i have 3 1/2 kids and they will want for nothing (without spoiling them) but there is also no way they will get in the way of my life with my wife.
once you fill your life with family they become the reason for working, if you are not happy with them how can you work at your best? (i assume you are the bread winner)
07 July 2006, 09:58 PM
#33
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Originally Posted by J4CKO
Fookin ell, welcome to my world, you my friend have to lower your expectations a little and stop thinking of oneself, it is ineviatable that when you have kids you will get your nose pushed out, you are no longer number one priority, you are the provider, to be honest you get used to it and become grateful for small mercies like 50 quid not allocated to kid stuff or a day off when they are at school, perhaps a BJ on your birthday.
I earn good money (40k) but never see any of it for stuff I want, I drive a shonky old Saab yet lurk on here seeing what you lads buy and it does **** me off a bit sometimes but I have learnt to live with it, maybe I dont get to spend on gadgets and cars but I have 3 sons which to me is important and my life made more sense when I realised my position in the scheme of things, the kids being young is a finite time to be enjoyed, dont miss it by being bitter and jealous, just go with it, put up with all the bollocks that women bring to it as they do it in the best interests of the children, you are healthy, able and big enough to sort youself out.
Basically bear with it, be stoic, her rock, do your duty and after a few years you can chill again.
Saying that,
Us fathers in this day and age have a bit of a raw deal, my grandad and my dad always came home to a cooked meal and a clean house, maybe thats chauvanistic but its true, nowadays women dont do the domestic stuff yet want to ponce about town being all independant but which muggins ends up doing the dirty jobs and making his own tea ?
I earn good money (40k) but never see any of it for stuff I want, I drive a shonky old Saab yet lurk on here seeing what you lads buy and it does **** me off a bit sometimes but I have learnt to live with it, maybe I dont get to spend on gadgets and cars but I have 3 sons which to me is important and my life made more sense when I realised my position in the scheme of things, the kids being young is a finite time to be enjoyed, dont miss it by being bitter and jealous, just go with it, put up with all the bollocks that women bring to it as they do it in the best interests of the children, you are healthy, able and big enough to sort youself out.
Basically bear with it, be stoic, her rock, do your duty and after a few years you can chill again.
Saying that,
Us fathers in this day and age have a bit of a raw deal, my grandad and my dad always came home to a cooked meal and a clean house, maybe thats chauvanistic but its true, nowadays women dont do the domestic stuff yet want to ponce about town being all independant but which muggins ends up doing the dirty jobs and making his own tea ?
07 July 2006, 10:52 PM
#35
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I moved schools when i was 10 it didnt really affect me much anyway because as soon as i went into high school i met all my old friends again then i moved to two different high schools that didnt really bother me either it depends how your daughter copes with change 
but it does sound like your missis is blowing it a bit out of proportion
but it does sound like your missis is blowing it a bit out of proportion
07 July 2006, 11:05 PM
#36
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Crikey 
What a diverse lot of opinions and advice, no common theme. Both women/men have views that differ from the other sex and sometimes agree! Some things said are close to the mark, some things give me cause for deep thought. Thank you all.
Today has not been great either. We haven't spoken other than a few housekeeping details when I got in. She has gone off to a party for some childrens schoolfriends parents which I was meant to go to.
Speaking to a woman collegue at work today and she dissected my behaviour/her behaviour very accurately. That is a relationship thing on my part which I am obviously not good at but I'm not any different to how I was 15 years ago in that respect. No excuse I'm sure.
Thing is I kissed my children goodbye this morning and it was particularly heart wrenching. I dont want to lose that. But at the same time I cant live with all the crap from my wife. As someone rightly surmised the example yesterday was just that and one of many. I am a generally calm and relaxed person and I try my hardest to be that rock, to help, be there, be supportive and turn the other cheek at barbs and belittling comments that come back at me. I don't return them verbally though I guess sometimes my body language might speak out.
Someone asked about her outside interests. Well nothing that doesnt involve the children. She has recently taken up a role that puts upon her time and so on so that our daughter could join a group that was otherwise short-staffed of the right number of adults. Whilst I applaud her committment I still think that it is inherantl;y unhealthy.
Am I being selfish as another pointed out? Im prepared to put up with a lot to keep the status quo but I think there comes a point where a person might snap. I dont do pyschobollox I just want to spend my time on this planet in a positive and ultimately relaxed as way as possible.
Toughie but thanks again for all advice helpful, otherwise and just for answering.
What a diverse lot of opinions and advice, no common theme. Both women/men have views that differ from the other sex and sometimes agree! Some things said are close to the mark, some things give me cause for deep thought. Thank you all.
Today has not been great either. We haven't spoken other than a few housekeeping details when I got in. She has gone off to a party for some childrens schoolfriends parents which I was meant to go to.
Speaking to a woman collegue at work today and she dissected my behaviour/her behaviour very accurately. That is a relationship thing on my part which I am obviously not good at but I'm not any different to how I was 15 years ago in that respect. No excuse I'm sure.
Thing is I kissed my children goodbye this morning and it was particularly heart wrenching. I dont want to lose that. But at the same time I cant live with all the crap from my wife. As someone rightly surmised the example yesterday was just that and one of many. I am a generally calm and relaxed person and I try my hardest to be that rock, to help, be there, be supportive and turn the other cheek at barbs and belittling comments that come back at me. I don't return them verbally though I guess sometimes my body language might speak out.
Someone asked about her outside interests. Well nothing that doesnt involve the children. She has recently taken up a role that puts upon her time and so on so that our daughter could join a group that was otherwise short-staffed of the right number of adults. Whilst I applaud her committment I still think that it is inherantl;y unhealthy.
Am I being selfish as another pointed out? Im prepared to put up with a lot to keep the status quo but I think there comes a point where a person might snap. I dont do pyschobollox I just want to spend my time on this planet in a positive and ultimately relaxed as way as possible.
Toughie but thanks again for all advice helpful, otherwise and just for answering.
07 July 2006, 11:58 PM
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Originally Posted by brumdaisy
my advice, dont give up until you have got the the crux of the problem. What you are seeing/hearing/expereincing are merely the symptoms of the problem. Get to the bottom of it.
My dad walked when it got a bit 'tough' I was 8. Whilst i stayed in touch with him most of the time, something died and as i got older and learnt about relationships myself I saw that he took the easy selfish route.... I've never really respected him since.....
Sorry if thats not much help, I wouldnt want my kids to feel about me, the way I do about my dad.....
My dad walked when it got a bit 'tough' I was 8. Whilst i stayed in touch with him most of the time, something died and as i got older and learnt about relationships myself I saw that he took the easy selfish route.... I've never really respected him since.....
Sorry if thats not much help, I wouldnt want my kids to feel about me, the way I do about my dad.....
Did you ever ask your dad why??? when i left my first wife, i was seen as the bad b*stard, of which i wasnt. If you think living with an unreasonable partner, who treats you like s*it, is the thing to do for the sake of the children, then you need to step back and look at the bigger picture.
I see my son every week, and now as he is older, he can see just what i had to put up with, he,s allready planned his last few years at home/ school, and lets just say it isnt with the ex!
No one said relationships were easy, but sometimes walking away is the best option.
Mart
Mart
09 July 2006, 05:48 PM
#38
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from what you have said, it seems you are very unhappy with your relationship with your wife.. 2 questions spring to my mind.. 1. do you and your wife ever spend any quality time together without the kids, be it a meal out a weekend away or anything? and 2.. do you spend quality time with your kids on your own, i.e do you take them swimming or to the park or anything without your wife being there?
maybe if you sat down with your wife and spoke honestly and openly with her you would find maybe she feels a bit the same, maybe she has thrown herself into looking after the kids because she no longer feels wanted or seen in any other role by you.. just maybe!
its easy to become complacent in any relationship, and when kids come along yes things do change, but it is up to you both to keep things alive, to work at your relationship and to keep the spark... if at anytime you find you just cant be bothered then it is time to look at exactly how you feel about each other, it is in no ones interest to stay together "for the children" as children pick up on the tension and bad feeling, it is more beneficial to have two loving happy content parents that live apart than parents who bicker and fight constantly.
my only thoughts are.. if you can sit and talk it out and listen to each other, and both feel you are able to give 100% commitment to putting some effort into your relationship than do so.... if you cant talk or listen... then whats the point?
maybe if you sat down with your wife and spoke honestly and openly with her you would find maybe she feels a bit the same, maybe she has thrown herself into looking after the kids because she no longer feels wanted or seen in any other role by you.. just maybe!
its easy to become complacent in any relationship, and when kids come along yes things do change, but it is up to you both to keep things alive, to work at your relationship and to keep the spark... if at anytime you find you just cant be bothered then it is time to look at exactly how you feel about each other, it is in no ones interest to stay together "for the children" as children pick up on the tension and bad feeling, it is more beneficial to have two loving happy content parents that live apart than parents who bicker and fight constantly.
my only thoughts are.. if you can sit and talk it out and listen to each other, and both feel you are able to give 100% commitment to putting some effort into your relationship than do so.... if you cant talk or listen... then whats the point?
09 July 2006, 11:19 PM
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One of the main reason i split with my oldest boys mother was due to the fact that i didnt have anytime for myself. She is a Ward Manager in a hospital & worked all sorts of shifts, usually working all weekend.
The weekend was my only free time, which i didnt mind spending time with my son & my step daughter but it got a bit much especially when i was working long hours & having a very stressful job at the time.
It started to get to me & i am afraid to say that i cheated on her & it finished. Everything was getting on top of me & i couldnt handle not having time to myself. I wouldnt say i was selfish but i should have spoke to her when it was getting on top of me. We are still friends & she still is part of my life. In fact her & my now partner are friends.
My advice is speak to her about your problems before its too late.
The weekend was my only free time, which i didnt mind spending time with my son & my step daughter but it got a bit much especially when i was working long hours & having a very stressful job at the time.
It started to get to me & i am afraid to say that i cheated on her & it finished. Everything was getting on top of me & i couldnt handle not having time to myself. I wouldnt say i was selfish but i should have spoke to her when it was getting on top of me. We are still friends & she still is part of my life. In fact her & my now partner are friends.
My advice is speak to her about your problems before its too late.
10 July 2006, 09:37 AM
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I think you are being a bit selfish, I understand you are upset, and think you need to talk to your wife, BUT as a mother of two myself, no matter how much i love my husband, i would always say the main focus of my life is my kids. A mom cant just switch on and off her worrying about her children, its natural, and i'd be more worried if she didnt care. Talk it through with her, explain how you feel and try to sort it out, she probably doesnt even realise the way you feel.
10 July 2006, 09:44 AM
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I'm surprised that you "I'm not the centre of the universe" ***** aren't actually COMPLIMENTING the fact that your wives (or partners) have YOUR CHILDREN(S) interests at heart and put them first ABOVE all else!!
You are a bunch of WHINGING idiots, and to be honest your wives or partners would be better off without you.........
SELFISH MORONS...........................
You are a bunch of WHINGING idiots, and to be honest your wives or partners would be better off without you.........
SELFISH MORONS...........................
10 July 2006, 10:03 AM
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Originally Posted by DCI Gene Hunt
I'm surprised that you "I'm not the centre of the universe" ***** aren't actually COMPLIMENTING the fact that your wives (or partners) have YOUR CHILDREN(S) interests at heart and put them first ABOVE all else!!
You are a bunch of WHINGING idiots, and to be honest your wives or partners would be better off without you.........
SELFISH MORONS...........................
You are a bunch of WHINGING idiots, and to be honest your wives or partners would be better off without you.........
SELFISH MORONS...........................
10 July 2006, 10:40 AM
#43
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Sorry for your problems, that must be very difficult to live with. She sounds like she has got some "OCD" about her. I suppose you have tried the meaningful chat bit. If not it might be worth a try.
Good luck anyway.
Les
Good luck anyway.
Les
10 July 2006, 10:50 AM
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You're not selfish at all, in fact you are probably far from it.
However, it might sound selfish to somebody that hasn't been there and experienced exactly what it is you are describing.
However, it might sound selfish to somebody that hasn't been there and experienced exactly what it is you are describing.
10 July 2006, 10:55 AM
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Wait until your kid reaches 15 years of age. She'll be mortified when she rejects her in the usual moody teenager tantrums
As with any parent, mothers especially. Children always come first, a (sometimes) annoying fact in a relationship.
What you need to reason is that child is scared of change. You can't keep her where she is, so you can send her to any other school and it would be the same situation. Plus in three years she'll have to go to secondary school and its all change again. Your daughter won't like that either. Whats your wife going to do? Keep her in primary school?
Protecting children from changes in life circumstances, in my opinion makes them less capeable of coping with future changes. A change of school now will make her more confident when she moves to secondary school, as she has already experienced it.
Everyone knows what the feeling of a first day at school, college, uni, or a new job is like, it's not pleasent. But it nearly always blows over without consequence.
If your wife cannot understand or comprehend that, she needs help. Did your children suffer some life threatening inccident at an early age? This may have been a trigger to her being so over protective.
As with any parent, mothers especially. Children always come first, a (sometimes) annoying fact in a relationship.
What you need to reason is that child is scared of change. You can't keep her where she is, so you can send her to any other school and it would be the same situation. Plus in three years she'll have to go to secondary school and its all change again. Your daughter won't like that either. Whats your wife going to do? Keep her in primary school?
Protecting children from changes in life circumstances, in my opinion makes them less capeable of coping with future changes. A change of school now will make her more confident when she moves to secondary school, as she has already experienced it.
Everyone knows what the feeling of a first day at school, college, uni, or a new job is like, it's not pleasent. But it nearly always blows over without consequence.
If your wife cannot understand or comprehend that, she needs help. Did your children suffer some life threatening inccident at an early age? This may have been a trigger to her being so over protective.
10 July 2006, 12:29 PM
#46
I wouldnt say my life has been ruined, far from it, I am happy with the Status Quo, the having kids thing kind of caught me unawares, she got pregnant on honeymoon having convinced us both that the aggro of marriage would not enable conception, durr, my genes come straight from Manchesters 'Shameless' territory so course she got pregnant, it was ineviatable as she was really keen on having kids and I am daft enough to go along with anything but it worked out !
Anyway, the last ten years have been good, three healthy boys to show for it, they are growing up and getting a bit more independant, glad to get away from the sleepless nights and smelling of (someone elses) ****, p1ss and puke. I cant really beleive my luck, not really had time to take stock until recently and I cant quite get my head round the fact I dont still live at my mum and dads in my old bedroom but with a massive telly and 26 speakers, never saw myself having kids to be honest.
My wife kinds of acts as my reality check and conscience, a bit too much sometimes but I think thats due to her being very over cautious and my past transgressions (nothing to heious), she sometimes remarks that she feels more like a carer !
Now if we hadnt had kids I am sure I would have more 'stuff' and have been on more holidays but to be honest I have mates like that and they run out of ideas, cars to buy etc and get so set in their ways and selfish there is no way back, aged 40, its funny we kind on envy each other and pity each other at the same time.
I get on well with my wife (most of the time), I am a lot tamer than I was (24 when we got married), perhaps that was the snip that did that, I dont get wound up about not being able to buy myself gadgets and cars anymore, my time will come I hope/expect in the meantime its a case of enjoying and appreciating what I have rather than worrying about fairly trivial things I havent got.
I have a reverse role model, aged 70 who does not seem to appreciate their blessing of having wealth, having lived a full life and having a big family and several grandchildren, I dont intend to get p1ssed every night, smoke my head off, moan about everything and everybody, ruin every family gathering by being drunk and aggressive.
So as you can see, even if you do have it all you can still be miserable so make the best of it, dont wait for things to get better if they are ok as this might be the best bit and things might go downhill, put yourself in your own shoes 20 years hence, house is quiet and you havent heard from your kids in a month, a year or longer, doesnt bear thinking about.
Oh and go and get some counselling with your wife, she sounds like she needs a talking to, you have already had yours !!!!
Anyway, the last ten years have been good, three healthy boys to show for it, they are growing up and getting a bit more independant, glad to get away from the sleepless nights and smelling of (someone elses) ****, p1ss and puke. I cant really beleive my luck, not really had time to take stock until recently and I cant quite get my head round the fact I dont still live at my mum and dads in my old bedroom but with a massive telly and 26 speakers, never saw myself having kids to be honest.
My wife kinds of acts as my reality check and conscience, a bit too much sometimes but I think thats due to her being very over cautious and my past transgressions (nothing to heious), she sometimes remarks that she feels more like a carer !
Now if we hadnt had kids I am sure I would have more 'stuff' and have been on more holidays but to be honest I have mates like that and they run out of ideas, cars to buy etc and get so set in their ways and selfish there is no way back, aged 40, its funny we kind on envy each other and pity each other at the same time.
I get on well with my wife (most of the time), I am a lot tamer than I was (24 when we got married), perhaps that was the snip that did that, I dont get wound up about not being able to buy myself gadgets and cars anymore, my time will come I hope/expect in the meantime its a case of enjoying and appreciating what I have rather than worrying about fairly trivial things I havent got.
I have a reverse role model, aged 70 who does not seem to appreciate their blessing of having wealth, having lived a full life and having a big family and several grandchildren, I dont intend to get p1ssed every night, smoke my head off, moan about everything and everybody, ruin every family gathering by being drunk and aggressive.
So as you can see, even if you do have it all you can still be miserable so make the best of it, dont wait for things to get better if they are ok as this might be the best bit and things might go downhill, put yourself in your own shoes 20 years hence, house is quiet and you havent heard from your kids in a month, a year or longer, doesnt bear thinking about.
Oh and go and get some counselling with your wife, she sounds like she needs a talking to, you have already had yours !!!!
10 July 2006, 04:53 PM
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Originally Posted by clare792000
I think you are being a bit selfish, I understand you are upset, and think you need to talk to your wife, BUT as a mother of two myself, no matter how much i love my husband, i would always say the main focus of my life is my kids. A mom cant just switch on and off her worrying about her children, its natural, and i'd be more worried if she didnt care. Talk it through with her, explain how you feel and try to sort it out, she probably doesnt even realise the way you feel.
10 July 2006, 08:57 PM
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Originally Posted by DCI Gene Hunt
It's the TRISHA forum.......... 
10 July 2006, 10:27 PM
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gf wants a 3rd chow ,or a westie
Ours was sweet & tiny, fluffy all that and more.
1 year later bark bark bark the little sh*t doesnt shut up we even got a dog trainer who branded him abnoxious and rude!
Me and my missus never argue about anything but the dog!
(we have three girls)
10 July 2006, 10:36 PM
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Originally Posted by DCI Gene Hunt
I'm surprised that you "I'm not the centre of the universe" ***** aren't actually COMPLIMENTING the fact that your wives (or partners) have YOUR CHILDREN(S) interests at heart and put them first ABOVE all else!!
You are a bunch of WHINGING idiots, and to be honest your wives or partners would be better off without you.........
SELFISH MORONS...........................
You are a bunch of WHINGING idiots, and to be honest your wives or partners would be better off without you.........
SELFISH MORONS...........................
Oh how I wish we could all change genders for just one day
10 July 2006, 10:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Jaydee5
Oh how I wish we could all change genders for just one day
10 July 2006, 10:54 PM
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Originally Posted by mart360
Did you ever ask your dad why??? when i left my first wife, i was seen as the bad b*stard, of which i wasnt. If you think living with an unreasonable partner, who treats you like s*it, is the thing to do for the sake of the children, then you need to step back and look at the bigger picture.
I see my son every week, and now as he is older, he can see just what i had to put up with, he,s allready planned his last few years at home/ school, and lets just say it isnt with the ex!
No one said relationships were easy, but sometimes walking away is the best option.
Mart
Mart
I see my son every week, and now as he is older, he can see just what i had to put up with, he,s allready planned his last few years at home/ school, and lets just say it isnt with the ex!
No one said relationships were easy, but sometimes walking away is the best option.
Mart
Mart
I love the way (some) men (ok and a very small number of women) assume they have the option to bale out when it all gets too much for them. Dont they think that the woman would sometimes like to walk out too but just gets on with it because they see that they have to?
How come none of these men who decide its 'best' to walk away dont take the kids with them?
When my dad started divorce proceedings my mum threatened to walk out and leave my dad with the kids.... at which point he started whimpering about maybe they should give it another go, so she ended up divorcing him instead
Sorry, Im not a feminist but there seems to be many men (not necc Anon) who shrug off their kids and marriage like last seasons coat
Right thats my dirty washing truly laundered.... should have just had one glass of vino
11 July 2006, 08:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Anthony Crichton-Wheeler
Oh lordy you are such an ar$e. Thank god you are not gay which means you will never come anywhere near me
back to the crack with you horrible abominantion............
Last edited by DCI Gene Hunt; 11 July 2006 at 09:56 AM.
11 July 2006, 09:32 AM
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It's been great since our twins arrived.
10 months old now and my (and the wife's) only worry (bit early) is letting them into the 'lets dumb your child' school system.Working out now how to fund private education.
Can't believe how thick kids are now
10 months old now and my (and the wife's) only worry (bit early) is letting them into the 'lets dumb your child' school system.Working out now how to fund private education.
Can't believe how thick kids are now
11 July 2006, 10:02 AM
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Essex with the wonderful -C`chelle
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Originally Posted by lozgti
Can't believe how thick kids are now
I would not say my kids are thick, and they are going through the state education system at the moment.
I have some very valid and in depth coversations with my children about all sorts of topics, and they are not knuckle-dragging neanderthals after being educated by the state system as your statement would leave people to believe.
Some people will NEVER be in the priviledged position of being able to afford private education for their children, and I find your generalisation offensive.
Edited: Calmed down a bit now - withdrew the offer of defence.
Last edited by Andy-C; 11 July 2006 at 10:23 AM.