SMACS Muppet and Numpty corner
27 June 2007, 12:15 PM
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Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until, one day,
> he comes across a beautiful Honda Gold Wing with a for sale sign on it.
> The bike seems even more beautiful than a new one, although it is 10
> years old.
>
> It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it, and
> asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
> "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is
> outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it
> from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
>
> That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
> Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house,
> Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family
> before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first
> person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No
> problem," he says.
>
> And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living
> room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack
> of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, In the corridor, everywhere he
> looks, dirty dishes.
>
> They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner
> progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans
> over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles
> her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips
> her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in
> front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is
> obviously livid, and her mom horrified when He sits back down, but no one
> says a word.
>
> He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the
> mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her
> every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is
> furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
>
> All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
> Joe remembers his motorcycle, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
> pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts:
> "Alright, enough already, I'll do the f***ing dishes!"
> he comes across a beautiful Honda Gold Wing with a for sale sign on it.
> The bike seems even more beautiful than a new one, although it is 10
> years old.
>
> It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it, and
> asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
> "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is
> outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it
> from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
>
> That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
> Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house,
> Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family
> before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first
> person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No
> problem," he says.
>
> And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living
> room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack
> of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, In the corridor, everywhere he
> looks, dirty dishes.
>
> They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner
> progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans
> over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles
> her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips
> her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in
> front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is
> obviously livid, and her mom horrified when He sits back down, but no one
> says a word.
>
> He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the
> mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her
> every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is
> furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
>
> All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
> Joe remembers his motorcycle, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
> pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts:
> "Alright, enough already, I'll do the f***ing dishes!"
27 June 2007, 12:17 PM
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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man
and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out
with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you're the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, I did it."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something pretty
unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but
aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:
1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3.. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4.. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5.. The maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours."
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man
and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out
with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you're the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yep, I did it."
God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something pretty
unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but
aren't You the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:
1.. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2.. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3.. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4.. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5.. The maintenance costs are enormous!"
"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
yours."
27 June 2007, 12:37 PM
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i was going to say you must of got them jokes from someone else but then i read them, i realised how crap and old they are and i thought
yep there simons alright
yep there simons alright
27 June 2007, 02:45 PM
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27 June 2007, 02:52 PM
I just need to close my eyes and I will be away - can someone stroke my head 
27 June 2007, 02:55 PM
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27 June 2007, 02:56 PM
