Shonen

Some brilliant advise there from Kieran. All relationships take effort. You should try to give your marriage one last try. If you and the girl from work did get togethter how do you know that in a years time you wont be on here again saying the exact same things. It may seem fun now but once day to day things get in the way the shine and newness will have faded.

Give your marriage one last try, that way if it doesnt work out at least you can say to yourself that you really tried and gave it your all.

Scrappy9

In my opinion for what its worth??

Is consider a trial separation, put a timescale on it 2/3 months.

DO NOT get involved with anyone else, talk to your wife during this time, perhaps take her out for a meal once a fortnight.

The space may help you clear your head, you may realise that you dont want end your relationship or that you do.

New people often seem interesting and good company, but no doubt your wife did all those years ago.

Leslie

Its just too easy to find someone else who seems to be all you look for in life when you are having problems with your own marriage. It is also true that "further fields" dont always fit the bill later but you find that out when it is too late. Its a very expensive error too.

You say you love your wife, best to try really hard to sort your present marriage out until you are absolutely certain that you can't continue. I wish you luck anyway.

Les

SiPie

In which case I'd bin her.

I can only speak from my own personal experience and you can disguise it all you like.... but you can't polish a turd.

Find someone who doesn't want to fight, has 'minimum' issues, and likes to avoid confrontation constructively.

Your life is too short to spend it fighting with someone you are supposed to be in love with.

I spent 7 years trying to placate a nutter who I was seriously in love with (admittedly not married) and in hindsight it was a complete waste of time

As sad as it is you need to move on. There are lovely balanced people out there. You've just gotta find them.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Milamber

iTrader: (2)

Couldn't agree more

Sbradley

One question. When you and your wife started out, was it fun? Did you really enjoy each other's company, make each otehr laugh and so on? In other words, was it like it is with this other girl now?

If there's one piece of advice I can give it's this. IF you're going to leave, make sure you're doing it for you. If you leave your wife for someone else then every time you have an argument, things aren't as great as they might be or whatever you'll be saying to yourself, even subconciously, "It would never have been like this with my ex." And it'll be sit there and fester...

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

SB

RICH WILD

Some very sound advice being given here, so I'll add my bit.

I agree that a large % of women (and men) in the office environment, who are both married and single enjoy a bit of a flirt but have NO intentions beyond that. It makes the day go quicker and puts a little bit of excitement into working life. This girl at work may be genuine and really have feelings for you but as has been said before, would she ever leave her husband for you? Does she have deep feelings for you in that way? Or is it all just a bit of fun?
You may be shouting at the moon with her, so be careful you don't jeopardise a possibly salvageable relationship for potentially nothing.

You have two distinct problems here and you need to keep them separate or your judgement will be clouded.

You obviously love you wife and she seems to love you too so there is still hope. But as has been mentioned before you both need to put effort in. Book a weekend away somewhere nice, take her for a meal to her favourite restaurant, buy her a nice outfit and take her on a night out, anything that breaks the monotony and shows that she is important to you. Don't go overboard or she'll suspect something untoward. Just be nice.

Also, you've not specified what the arguments are about, but here's a tip for you. You can't argue with someone who won't argue back. An arguement involves 2 parties. If one party won't argue back it ceases to be an argument and just becomes shouting. So next time a row starts, as soon as you realise, take a step back and put the shutters up. Whatever gets thrown at you, don't respond or even better, be nice. Be as reasonable as you possibly can be and try to see things from her point of view a bit more too. It's very difficult to be mad at someone who is being nice to you. It kind of inherently doesn't compute in our psyche.

Imagine if you go round to a neighbour to complain about something, all revved up and they start back at you just the same, chances are it will end up in a punch up, but if they are nice in the face of all your temper, it is very difficult to continue your tirade and you will find yourself automatically backing off. It is very disarming. It's the old "clubbing the baby seal" scenario. Very hard to do. A positive and a positive leads to a double positive but a pos and neg cancel each other out.

So say for example, she says something that really winds you up, think of it as water off a duck's back and DO NOT fight back. Because at the end of the day if you sit back and think, most of the things we row about aren't ACTUALLY THAT important in the big scheme of things.

Try all that and if it doesn't work, go bang the girl from your office

Puff The Magic Wagon!

iTrader: (2)

ROFL

Try telling that to my missus!!!

She just gets annoyed at my silence & refusal to argue when she's having a pop at me - seriously winds her up! LOL

Its not that I don't want to argue but prefer not to as whatever I say I'm going to be wrong anyway (in her mind), so why pour water on top of hot oil?

Karl 227

Is that how you & GutmanPug patched things up?

Reality

I find a well placed "Whatever" fairly gets the old girl more animated

Houghton

iTrader: (1)

From your responses I'd say you already know what you want to do. There's no kid's to hurt just yourselves (and yes kids do matter and need their real parents). If it really is decision time, then make one. In my experience trying again and giving it another go are just delaying tactics to postpone the inevitable. Jealousy is an awful trait and suggests a lack of trust, it eats at the jealous party like a cancer and it eventually wears the relation ship to a fraught existence, not a healthy way to live IMO.

Sorry if that's not a popular response. If it's totally wrong then I'm pleased for you.

Also, as was said, don't dip your pen, etc. The workplace isn't where to find a partner, especially one who's married. That'll open a whole new can of worms. You think you have problems now...................?

Good luck with whichever way you decide to go

Diablo

No, Mike, sorry.

I don't take it up the *** from anyone, and if I did, it wouldn't be you

sti-04!!

Reality

You're not needed here yet - pseudo hasn't given up on either girl yet .

Chip Sengravy

Another one stood in Egypts longest river



I can be very persuasive

*pseudonym*

Don't be offended Kieran, I was typing my replies when you posted. Your advice is sound as a pound mate



Sooooo many excellent posts to reply to........... :



A very cynical view Mike!


Never has a truer word been spoken...


Yes it was fun, but were both 19, so our outlook/priorities/interests were carefree and typical of our age/social scene. We were kids.
I feel we have matured in different directions. This girl at work is very similar to the way I am now, and the way I'll be for the forseeable future. What I'm saying is that I feel less compatible with my wife than we used to be.


I know what you are saying, but firstly, I find it soooo hard ti keep quiet whn someone is being totally outrageous, although I could try harder, and secondly, the silent treatment would probably make her worse!


Guilty your honour!


bit of a rep have we sti-04!!?

Kieran_Burns

iTrader: (1)

Jealousy isn't always a sign of lack of trust. It's also a sign of lack of self-esteem. If you have such a low opnion of yourself, you find it hard to believe that anyone else does - and therefore they won't be 'interested' in you, therefore they'll be interested in someone else, therefore they ARE interested in someone else.

Lack of self-esteem is an inward emotion, just like jealousy, and just like jealousy it is self-perpetuating.

So, don't take her jealousy as a lack of trust (it MIGHT be, but it might not). Oh, and the temper could well be an indication as well - keeping you at a distance so you can't find out what's wrong.

Of course I could be completely wrong here.. but I just wanted to give you another point of view to consider.

Turbohot

I understand. And you are very correct by saying I don't believe its possible to stop loving someone overnight. I meant if you felt that you two were not working out in this relationship where you can live under the same roof,you need to part or, go for counselling sessions before you decide to part/stay together.
All the best

LG John

Once again Sipie beat me too it! (we're going to have to have a talk mate!). As I see it this is/will be one of the biggest issues in your relationship. You have done NOTHING wrong (yet). You are willing to put your hands up and admit you've been thinking the unpure, that you know that's wrong and that you want to contructively address that problem yet you believe the reaction of you misses would be to go totally mental and split up with you? That is not even close to a healthy relationship!! I'd be willing to bet that her jealousy and bad temper are having effects on other parts of your relationship - the fact you don't feel you can be straight up with her is proof of that.

I'd say you see a relationship councillor if you want to sort your relationship because there is almost certainly issues that cannot be resolved here. At first I thought were were dealing with a relationship that had gone a little stale and dull and where one party considered straying. It is quite clearly far more complicated and damaged than that.

All the best

_RIP_

Yet another person who hasnt found the common sense to seek professional help, but somehow thinks that a car forum is the place to voice their obvious concerns.

Or yet another wind up? Probably.

Sorry, but my harsh opinion is, first grow a backbone and work it out
together without seeking dubious advice from a bunch of strangers on t' interwebby thingy

brihoppy

and i thought i was cynical...?!

sometimes strangers can be the best people to get advice and insight from...and i was actually wondering today when someone might pop up on this thread with a post like this...

im not having a pop at you personally but i just dont understand why people with no real contribution to make feel the need to post...?!

JCScooby

Somtimes u can find the thought of being without a perticular person quite scary, but in actual fact its the thought of being alone thats scaring u, u just dont realise it, so u cling on to that person.

*pseudonym*

RIP, we are all different and deal with issues differently, and I/we have not had the courage/neccesity to go to a councellor. Is it easy for an alcoholic to admit their problem and attend AA meetings?
Councelling is something I am considering and IMO a "car forum" is an ideal place to vent off/ask advice.
I respect the opinions of many many people on this thread and the anonymity of it all allows me to receive unbiased and sensible advice.

Wind up? If you think I am that sad to spend ages replying to all these posts, perhaps? Let me assure you, a "pslewis" I am not.

As for the advice being "dubious"?
In your opinion maybe, but in my opinion, the advice has been first class and its good to hear people giving reasoned arguments for both choices without judging me or sounding condescending.
In fact, on Wednesday morning I was all for pursuing the other girl and letting things with the wife slip, but I've reconsidered, mainly due to the help from folk on this thread.

To all the thread contributers......

Sincere thanks for all the sound advice and opinions you have offered. Feel free to keep them coming as they all help.

*pseudonym*

Spot on mate!

I simply do not have anyone close to me that I can ask for help/advice. Most of my friends are "our" friends and I'm not close enough to any family members to share my private life with.

In these circumstances strangers definitely ARE the best people to get advice from and I am genuinely grateful.

GaryCat

I understand what you mean - living day to day and your relationship being a habit.

Sounds like you need to fall in love again. Arrange a suprise break to Paris, Barcelona, New York etc and have some time to yourselves. It's very easy to let a relationship become stale, to keep it alive needs work from both parties.

Kieran_Burns

iTrader: (1)

I've been keeping an eye on this thread for a couple of reasons:

1. to see how things move on
2. to see different points of view for the same problem

Hell, I think my advice is good (but then I would, as I'm egotistical enough to think so ) and I think some other people's should be ignored... but then again....

It allows the poor guy to SEE the different advice and feel which is right.

If it's advice like mine that says work it through - then there is hope for the relationship, if it's advice that says "Sod her, go **** the bird at work until she screams and passes out" then the relationship ain't gonna happen

I dunno.. I personally think it's a good idea. This is a dynamic forum and there are lots of different people on here, so there are many points of view available.

NAF

Sometimes you just gotta bite the bullet and accept things have gone down the pan and its over. . .

Often best just to get it over with . .

Just my tuppence . .

Houghton

iTrader: (1)

Your both now 29 and been married for 10 years. With the Turner report on pensions suggesting that people of your age have a life expectancy of 86 you have a potential 57 more years of marriage. That's a sobering thought and you need to sort it out or get out.

Another 2p

Chip Sengravy

^ That, is THE best advice in the whole thread!

Turbohot

Ya but some people live to love and it does not matter how much time they waste on one cr@ppy relationship,they try and try to make it right.Must be sumthing wrong with them<shrugs>