J4CKO

iTrader: (1)

http://www.alexisparkinn.com/photoga...707%20Roll.mpg

Fancy doing this in an airliner, especially since Grandpa Joe from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is driving ?

NeilT

used to fly twice or three times a week, every week, so got through my fair share of grim flights.

Worst being on a BMI flight to Schippol, circling to land in a bad storm, when the rear of the plane was struck by lightning. Massive BOOOM (my ears were ringing), plane shuddered, lights were turned out and hostesses returned to their seats. My heart rate went through the roof. Immediate thoughts were of a bomb, as I didnt twig it would be lightning I was certain that was it for me.

After a few mins co-pilot comes on to confirm plane was struck at the rear by lighting, but no damage done. Landed a few mins later.

Longest few minutes of my life

Dont fly much these days!

Neil

Sbradley

Flying from Moscow to Ulanovsk with Aeroflot.

First trip, sit down, do up my seatbelt, relax into the seat. As we rotate at the end of the roll my seat slides backwards in it's runners until it rests against the knees of the guy behind me... I'm enjoying the increased legroom for the rest of the flight (he's asleep or enough blood has been cut off from the seat that he's passed out) until we start our descent. Aeroflot pilots all think they're still flying IL76s into Kabul so they do a STOL approach. My seat is now stopped from reaching the cockpit by my knees jamming against the seat in front...

A few flights later we're climbing out when we suddenly (like very suddenly) stop climbing. Obviously ATC have given us some avoiding action and we'll climb again shortly, right? Well, 15 minutes later and we're still at around 5,000 feet so my interpreter flashes his ID and wanders up front to see what's going on. Comes back a few minutes later, grins, says not to worry and sits down. "So what's up?" says I. "Oh, nothing. The cockpit window has fallen out. No problem - we stay low." We flew 8 hours at 5000 feet. Pilots must have been absolutely frozen...

And finally, working with a CAA inspector trying to get a JAA certificate for a nameless Russian helicopter. I'm in the left hand seat, mad Ivan is in the right, CAA inspector and Russian translator sitting behind. CAA guy starts going on about how the aircraft only has one generator and how this is all a waste because a generator failure would take out all power. Translator does his thing and Ivan looks over and says "Simon fly" before letting go of the stick and unbuckling. He then leans down under the panel and pulls out this sodding great ceramic circuit breaker - like the old wired fuses at home, slides the window open on his side, throws it out, folds his arms and says "No electric. Still fly. You talk ****." He refused to take any more part in the demo flight and I had to recover the aircraft with no lights, no radios except for the battery standby and no electrical instruments so just clockwork altimeter and magnetic compass...

Oh how we laughed. Afterwards...

SB

skiddus_markus

Flying to Orlando and looking out of the window-spotted an AA plane at a lower altitude but only about 0.25-0.5miles away.We gradually caught and passed it as our 747 was chipped.
On the same flight I saw several approaching jets whizz by in the opposite direction-not far enough away for my liking at a combined speed of getting on for 1000mph.

P130J

Aircraft do tend to look quite close to the untrained eye hence the sort of stories you get in the Sun along the lines of "Seconds from death" and "passed within inches" yada yada. That said, journalists tend to talk total hoop anyway when it's anything to do with aviation, thats why we pilots love them so

Don't have any particularly interesting stories though, sorry. Big thunderstorms, turbulence and engine failures are all the sort of things that make the job interesting

Fat Boy

Actually,topographically speaking, the Drakensberg runs from alongside the Kruger (Blyde River Canyon, for instance, is cut through the Northern Drakensberg Escarpment) all the way down to the Eastern Cape, although most people think of the very high central part in Mpumulanga as being "the Drakensberg". Still while we're being **** about things, I'll agree that it was the Malelane Mountains that I flew through first to Nelspruit with the Northern Drakensberg escarpment still to come on the other side of Nelspruit... I'll do my 50 lines after school " I must not be loose with my geographical descriptions, I must" etc

Flatcapdriver

Yep, most people think of the Drakensberg Mountains as being that big ridge between Durban and Jo'burg. I guess most people are ****.

http://www.routes.co.za/nature/ecore...sberghigh.html

Brendan Hughes

This is classic! The Russians get REALLY pissed off with the western know-it-alls...

JackClark

One for the pilots. How do you know that turbulence is coming? I think I know, and should know, but I'm not sure.

skiddus_markus

I'm pretty good at judging distances and was guaging it against the scale of planes I saw from the terminal.I understand how it would be easy to be fooled into thinking it's closer than it was though.I've never even seen another plane whilst flying before so was quite shocked.

swaussie

Best I had was a delayed Singapore airlines 747 in Melbourne due to instrument failure. We waited for 3 hours until they flew one down from Sydney and replaced it. We all boarded and sat there for another 30 or so minutes until the pilot came on the radio and said, sorry about the delay ladies and gentlemen but the instrument that was broken has been replaced by another one that is also faulty, but we have checked with so and so and they say its legal to fly with it broken Needless to say there were a few people who wanted to get off and a few tears being shed as we taxied .... I couldnt understand why he didn't just keep quite about it

worst turbulance was taking off from Istanbul to Cairo, shook a few overhead lockers open and there was plenty of screaming going on until we got clear of it.

Nick100

My first flight in to the old Hong Kong airport, was straight in over the South China Sea through a massive storm. Still along way out, but black all around and suddenly there was a huge drop - teeth clench time and stomach exits through mouth. Only time I've heard rain on the outside of the plane whilst still flying.

In a 737 over Pyrenees. I was sitting in the back row of seats. Loads of turbulance which popped some of the overheads open, but I could see along the whole length of the cabin the plane twisting.

Coming in to Heathrow from US on an old 747-100 or -200 in thick cloud. Pilot comes on saying if someones got their mobile phone on could they turn it off. Pilot repeats request. Pilot then said "Look we've got enough problems up here without someone making it more difficult by using a mobile phone !" WTF Hostess then comes on to say can everyone who has a mobile check it is turned off as may have got turned on in bag and is transmitting, now in range of ground. I was working with the airline at the time and enquired. The pilot reported Ground Proximity Warning System going off at 10k feet. From comments above, I doubt he was a happy bunny.

I saw a replay of a section of the New Year's Eve flight a few years ago going to Nigeria (IIRC), when a guy got in to the cockpit, sat on the central console and pushed both sticks away from him. He wouldn't stop until the pilot stuck a pen in his eye! You would not believe what a 747 can go through. First it climbed at 15000 feet per minute (normal is less than 3000 fpm), then stalled, rolled over to 95 degrees angle of bank and entered a dive at 20k fpm from about 45000 feet altitude. Dropped to below 20k feet before the guy did the same thing again. Up, down, airspeed all over the place. The pilots kept it together but would not have wanted to be on that one.

Plus a few funnies and lines from cabin crew and pilots after less than ideal landings :
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”
2. Pilot: “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
3. After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. Whoa!”
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.”
7. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines.”
8. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
9. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
10. “Last one off the plane must clean it.”
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.”
12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
13. Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?”
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
16. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”

P130J

In response to the question about turbulence, some of it can be picked up on radar, associated with weather returns. It is sometimes discernable from cloud types that don't always show on radar; standing waves downwind of mountain ranges for example, create very distinctive clouds. It's also forecast and briefed before we get airborne. Jetsteams can cause very "severe" turbulence when they are crossed and the metman can identify these areas beforehand. You can see this sort of turbulence developing as the wind vector and speed readout starts changing rapidly

Not going to get into an argument about judging distances but aircraft do get "very" close to each other when under radar control. Notwithstanding the ability to recognise size of an aircraft on the ground, judging the size and range of an aircraft through a cabin window with an untrained eye is difficult. You can get close enough to hear his jet noise over yours and still be legally separated

The story above about "broken instruments" raises another point. What you have to remember is that us drivers up front are about as keen to die in a smoking, plane-shaped hole as you are - i.e. not very. We don't take risks when it comes to safety and if we don't think it's safe to fly then we don't. All aircraft have an MEL or Minimum Equipment List, that details exactly what faults or snags you can or cannot get airborne with. The end call remains with the captain. For example, for relatively short trips (a few hours), we'll fly with an unserviceable autopilot. Might sound a bit dodgy but it just means that we have to do that pilot sh*t for few hours instead of the telegraph crossword

Enjoy

skiddus_markus

You can do the Telegraph crossword and fly a plane?I'm impressed.I can manage The Sun one and throw a paper airplane 10 feet.

FlightMan

In my line of work, we're always getting people saying, "it was low, it was offtrack, it was a near miss" etc etc.
In all the time I've investigated, it was never low, off track, or close.
I've tried to guess heights/distances myself, then looked them up. Its easy for the eye
to be fooled!
As for never seeing another plane while flying, you wanna try approaching JFK on a clear night. I did it in Nov and counted 23 aircraft in the last 15 mins of flight!

mart360

I have seen several planes when flying.. the closure rate is phenominal...

and there subsonic!!!! the litle black dots sure as hell get bigger quicker!!!!

had one on a paralell track once, it was akin to a drag race,, you could hear the engines spooling up, at the pilot had a go!! .. as soon as the other plane took off (sic) he dropped back...

couple of other instances have come to mind...

on honeymoon in egypt, we did a couple of internal flights..

flew from aswan to abu simbel on an orca airlines..

rough wasnt the word... we had the seat againts the front bulkhead / where the crew stand were they welcome you on...

as we strapped in i looked down.... loverly line of dried vomit down the seat edge/ window join.. hmmm

the inflight meal was scary.. the stewardess came down the aisle with the food trolly?? and statred handing out cartons of drink.... oh did i say handing out!!! if you ever watch some of the airforce info films you ofter see multiple bazooka launches/ mine layers ... these bloody drinks cartons were being launched at people like that...

found out later that orca airlines has a crap saftey record!!!

going the other way luxor to cairo we had a fokker frendship type thing...

absolute blast 12 of us on the plane took off.. cockpit doors open.. pilot steps out .. flight decks open if anyone wants a gander...

most of us spent the whole flight up there.. people were using mobile phones.. no probs...


the one that makes me laugh...

came back from luxembourg, got on the plane very empty and decided to move to a different seat.. you cant do that the steward said.. i quieried why... the plane has to be balanced.. he replied....

i pointed out the air craft weights many tons... if a pilot has problems balancing 12 stone, there is a big problem some where!! the steward just said ok its not really a problem... just lots of people try to move on a fully loaded plane and that gives problems...

we had a ba flight once, where we were all seated, and the stewardess came down and said that everbody had to get up and move 2 rows back, or the plane wasnt taking off.......


no one moved!!! she was quite miffed... it was pointed out that the error was not ours, but there,s, the pilot came out and appologised... turns out they had put us all in the wrong seats..




M

P130J

lol. The steward told that because he didn't want to tell you the real reason in public probably. After the fiery crash on take off, the only way they might be able to identify you is by seat position; as long as you're strapped into the seat you booked then they can work out who you are Guess you could move around to keep 'em guessing
Common "joke" among pilots: if the aircraft's going down and there's nothing you can do about it, drop your trousers and sit on the control column. It'll liven up the investigation and give them something think about

Jerome

Probably just the quick crossword.

7 Foot

Great thread.

LMAO @ Nick100's quotes

skiddus_markus

I'm not your typical panicking holidaymaker.I was just surprised at how close we were.Ours was faster,so maybe the other plane(AA flight number 0056,small patch of ferralizing on the starboard wing and the pilot had mustard on his ham sandwiches) was a return journey full of fat Americans.

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

Yep, and faults are recorded in two log books, one kept in the aircraft, the other kept on the ground.....best not to think about why!

Best.

Mcbrun555

Aboard an airbus A320 landing at Sanford airport in Florida during an approaching hurricane, apparently we were the last plane to land before the storm took full force.

Our approach involved a 180 degree turn, normally the engines stay at a certan pitch, not this time, one second we were on full throttle, the next zero. The turn lasted about 25 to 30 seconds.

Comming into land I dared not look out of the window we were rolling from side to side that much. Just before we landed I glaced out of the port side to see a window full of runway and out of the starboard to see a window full of air. Absolutly amazing skill to get the plane down.

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

Most likely the Autopilot mate...if memory serves, pilots are legally obliged to hand over to the autopilot if conditions deteriorate beyond a certain point. There certainly is a visibility criterion, not sure about wind speed etc. .

Leslie

Doubt the autopilot could cope with that kind of turbulence on the approach.

Great for landing in fog though.

Les

Dyney

Not strickly true
On BA anyway there is now one book in 2 parts (used to be 2. One for the tech stuff and one for the cabin.)

The book stays on the aircraft but there are 2 or 3 copies of the page. tThe top copy is pulled before departure and recorded on it is any maintenance action taken, the fuel uplift and details of any de-icing carried out

For military A/C the book stays on the ground Guess theres not much room in a Harrier cockpit

Dyney

Barra beach landing!!! The only scheduled beach airport in the world.
When the tides out there is about 2" of water on the beach and when your hurtling over the of it all you can see is the water!!!
Touch down and the spray must have been 10ft high.

Also did the mail run to Stornoway (I think) in a Shorts 360 (the one that looks like a barn)
First flight to land on a frosty morning.
The runway is white and sparkly. A great sight
Only problem was I was sitting behind the Captain on the flight deck and as he flaired to land he hit my knee with his elbow. Wasn't a smooth landing

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

Most autopilots have a turbulance mode. The computer can react far quicker and more accurately than a human to sudden changes in wind magnitude and direction.

I once asked my pilot mate exactly what he did considering just how good the autopilots were and he said "We work like one armed paper hangers making sure we've turned the damn things on!!"

ScoobyDriverWannabe

This is going to make me sound bad

A few years ago not long after Sep 11th I went to Italy. Flew from Newcastle airport to Amsterdam then from Amsterdam to Bologna.

This was the 1st time I had ever flew and on the plane I was sat at one end by my self, and all my m8s who I was travelling with were at the other end together.

Anyway I was sitting on my seat and this bloke came and sat next to me. He was a Arab or something along those lines im not sure to be exact, so he was sitting there with this kind of ceremonial dress on ( I know they have a proper name but cant remember it) and some kind of book in his hand looked like a bible.

During take off I had visions of him lifting up this dress to reveal a belt of dynamite and trying to take over the plane.

In the end he turned out to be quite a pleasant bloke, got me a can of Becks from the drinks trolley because he didn’t drink and had quite a good conversation with him.

When I got of plane at Schipol I was split up from everyone I was travelling with & didn’t have a clue were I was going, so this bloke helped me find my gate.

Guess you should never judge a book by its cover.

blair

I always thought the Shorts looked like a transit van that someone had bolted a wing and propellors onto ! Like the sort of plane they's come up with on Scrapheap challenge !

I did a flight to Dublin on one of those a while back - fairly uneventful apart from the nun in the front row whoe broke out the rosary beads and a hipflask full of whiskey on the final approach - didn't even offer it round !