Spoon

It's the right time of year to get them.

Just think, if you could cultivate more then you could tell people it's Christmarsé bunting.

chiark

Spoon,
Ya bastid - I've just snotted tea down my nose. Literally. Very messy. And not pleasant.

Advice: dunno about piles, but don't drink when reading this thread

mart360

****.. this gets better by the minute...


please mods lock it before someone has a coronary!!!!!


remember kids scoobynet could be liable!!!

ps you could charge by the foot of bunting...


hmm holly berries anyone


M

mart360

just thought

if they shrink it and it goes white,

wear some green cacks, and its instant missletoe!!





M

Redkop

I wonder at what stage in medical training a young doctor suddenly wakes up one morning and says, ‘My real professional passion in life is to be a proctologist'

John Catlin

I may be able to hel, provided I know what Degree you have !!!!!!!!!!

First-degree piles are swollen cushions that always remain within in the **** canal; these are painless.

Second-degree piles are pushed down (prolapsed) when faeces are passed, but return to their starting position afterwards.

Third-degree piles are pushed down (prolapsed) when faeces are passed, or come down at other times. They do not go back by themselves after faeces have been passed.



Who gets piles?
Piles can occur at any age, and affect both men and women. In fact, most people suffer from piles at some time, but usually they are nothing more than a temporary problem. Many experts believe that they are caused by continuous high pressure in the veins of the body, which occurs because humans stand upright. They are particularly common in pregnancy because of the additional pressure from the baby, and because of hormonal changes. Sometimes they result from straining hard to pass faeces, which is more likely if you don't eat enough fibre, or lifting heavy weights. They are not caused by sitting on hot radiators or cold, hard surfaces, or by sedentary jobs.

Sith

So these ones come wth their own Eibach spings then?

DrJP

I spent years looking up peoples ****'s (professionally) with proctoscopes & sigmoidoscopes, I have seen all sorts of obscene things. Some were S*** orientated, some were foreign-body orientated. The worst ones were the 'lax lads' - enough said.

Spoon

Powerstation might be able to help your predicament too.















I hear they do a bum steer mod.

John Catlin

I am very worried about your condition, please read below and take action !

Piles that Bleed - Can they be safely ignored?
Piles are common and many people ignore bleeding from the anus (back passage) believing that the bleeding is from a pile. Often this is true, but sometimes there is a more serious reason for the bleeding.

This page is designed to help you recognise the different kinds of bleeding and to encourage you to seek early medical advice - most particularly with the more sinister kinds of bleeding.

'Piles' is used on this page to include a collection of harmless **** problems. They may cause pain, discomfort or itching. They may appear as lumps around the anus.

They may BLEED. Bleeding from piles is harmless

BUT

Not all bleeding is from piles. Bowel CANCER often gives bleeding as the first warning symptom. Bowel cancer is CURABLE if treated early.



Typical Piles Bleeding
Piles bleeding is separate from the motion and fresh. It is usually seen only on the toilet paper or can splash into the pan after the bowels have opened. The motion itself if normal and has no blood mixed with it. There is no abdominal (tummy) pain, and no change in bowel habit.
The bleeding is usually associated with **** discomfort or pain and sometimes with an internal pile (soft lump) prolapsing (sticking out) from the anus which disappears shortly afterwards. You may have been aware of straining to pass the motion.
If you have made the diagnosis yourself of a bleeding pile after this kind of bleed, you are almost certainly right. It would, however, be safer to consult your doctor to be absolutely sure, as a cancer very close to the anus can mimic a pile and a simple examination can clarify this.


Sinister Bleeding
If any of the following features are present it is not safe to assume that the bleeding is from a pile:-

Blood mixed with the motion

Blood mixed with slime

Blood mixed with wind

Dark or clotted blood

Change in bowel habit (e.g recent constipation or more frequent bowel actions)

Colicky abdominal pain



Any family history of bowel cancer should encourage you to view any bleeding more seriously.



Make an appointment to see your G.P

Redkop

Definitely enough said - thanks

Vegescoob

A problem shared is a problem halved. The theraputic value of Scoobynet.

Capacious Nadgers

XXXXXXXXXXXXX UPDATE XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Before i start i want to thank everyone for not only showing your support (no pun intended) but for making me laugh quite a bit with all your ****ogise (pun intended) Thanks very much for the advice, all of it has helped over the last 24hrs and to be Frank (unless he's got worse piles than me) i can't believe we are at page 5 and so many people interested in my star of David

So, last night i walked up the stairs to bed in the all too usual "John Wayne" fashion. It had been a long day with three applications of the torpedoes with further applications of the god known as "Germaloids" throughout the night. During the day the pain ebbed and flowed as i jockeyed for comfort from the "Devils Gogger" the name to which it was christened this morning.

By lunchtime i became quite hot and bothered as the pain was continuous and un-relenting, nevertheless i thought a small walk out with a collegue to get some lunch would be a good rest from sitting on it which, was obviously compressing and compounding the issue as a further 1.2 bar was exerted on to it. So, out we go, "cool" i thought, "this is okay, i can handle this". Sadly this reprieve of pleasure was short lived, as the "pressure" factor wained, the "chaffing" saga began. At first it was a mild rubbing but after about 5 minutes it felt like the opposing **** cheek was jealous of his opposites new found friend and proceeded to try and rip it from the grasp of his brother. I swear i thought i was going to be in the middle of the shopping precinct as it popped with blood spattering the face of the poor 3' 4" high old dear walking behind me. At this point the sweat on my forehead is starting to bead and my colleague notices that i'm in discomfort. He asks "are you okay, you look a bit funny", "yep, i'm fine" i reply, "its just that you're walking as if your **** is chewing a Toffo" he said. Cheh right more like a fookin bayonet i thought. Anyway we got back to the office and i endured a further 4 hrs of torture in the chair of doom.

This brings me to coming home. Diablo (in reference to the devil and in no way means that an SN mod is attached to my ring) as it has become affectionately known as, was literally itching to get home for the god known as Germaloids and a massage session to put any parlour to shame, was waiting Anyway, if you suffer from piles PLEASE consider the Eibach factor, all i'm saying is it isnt pleasant. I reached home through lifting my **** up off the seat only to rest it back down to apply brakes and change gear with a at every change

I think the general concencus on here was to have a bath, so i did WOW, what a difference, i wallowed in this new found glory. Legs spread eagle, hanging over the bath as i gently wafted warm water over Diablo "aaaaaaaaaaaaaah heaven, hot water to piles is like nectar to the gods" i thought. I've been in the bath for over an hour, wafting and massaging the whole time and i can honestly say that if i took a mirror to it now, i swear it would be wearing a red silk smoking jacket, pipe, slippers and be doing a bloody good impression of Cary Grant

I think i might of found my saviour, i'll keep violating myself with the U-Boats and the god that is known as Germaloids but i'll make sure i get at least one or two hot baths a day in.

I'll keep you posted over the weekend hopefully, this has obviously struck a chord with many of you. Thanks also to the SN'ers who have PM'd me with their fervant support and words of wisdom and encouragement, they are appreciated

BTW i have to PMSL at some of your posts. What you have all done is ensure that there is no way on Gods clean earth that i will be setting foot in a NHS hospital for fencing practise

Spoon

Yep, just got to help him get rid the other half now.

I can just see it.

"SCOOBYNET, PILES BETTER THAN THE REST"

Vegescoob

ACE!!!!!!!!!!!

little'un

iTrader: (9)

You could always buy it's very own posing pouch

pslewis

Group Buy On Inflatable Rings Anyone??

Pete

mark@wrx

This has got to be the funniest "serious" thread EVER on Snet!

StickyMicky

i think its a muppet

far to many smileys in there, post seams to remind me of the rampaging cows thread as well

written in a simmiler style maybe?

Kieran_Burns

iTrader: (1)

I personally think that this thread is a pile of pants...



Or should that be a pant of piles???

chris's scooby

Are they as bad as these piles?

http://poetry.rotten.com/weightlifter/

DON'T click the link if you have a weak stomach!

Ninnybobs

Been there,

I ate loads of peanuts and it went back up a Treat

Brilliant thread

Martin

DieselDoo

Quote
Anyway, if you suffer from piles PLEASE consider the Eibach factor, all i'm saying is it isnt pleasant. I reached home through lifting my **** up off the seat only to rest it back down to apply brakes and change gear with a at every change



Try driving 25 miles home needing a crap badly after using liberal doses of Anusol
to ease the pain and knowing the nearest toilet you can use is your own.
Thats an experiance I wouldn`t want to be in again.

Midlife......

iTrader: (2)

I vote Spoon as SN reply of the month...

"Bum steer Mod"

SN at it's best

Midlife........

Errrr... Ninnybobs, I like peanuts too

hugo

Agreed. Definitely the work of a muppeteers alter ego! Suggestions?

rb5037

OUCH!!!!

Piledriver

Well.......I've come here having seen the link for this thread on a, er, different forum. Yes, yes, I've registered with a slightly topical name, but my message to you is genuine!!

I had a very very similar problem a few years ago on a skiing trip. Believe me, what I am about to say is true. This happened to me. I was in dire pain, probably exactly what you are experiencing now, and I was in France. So, off I waddled, to the slightly-English-speaking doctor in the village. To cut a long story short, he carried out a visual inspection, then invited me to lie sideways on the couch. He donned rubber gloves, and applied whatever the French version of KY Jelly is....then set to work on returning my grapes to their original location......

To say it was the most painful thing I ever had done to me is an understatement. I damn near chewed the corner of his couch off. After he'd pushed it all back in, I had to rest for another day or so until all settled down, and to this day, any suggestion of a slightly enthusiastic dump will have the little critters poking their head out and wanting to play, but a slight shove with the middle finger returns them to their rightful home. Seeing as the only alternative is (probably very) painful surgery, I can live with it.

But my point is - they ain't never gonna go back home without some assistance. You are going to HAVE to see someone to get it all poked back up - sorry, but this is the awful truth of the matter!

All I can say is - I hope this helps (oh, and the pain can't be worse than driving one of those awful Scoo.....oops, sorry, forgot where I was for a mo!!)

ScoobyDoo555

I, too suffer from the "biological Space-Hoppers" - I've had the bullets (Scheriproct, IIRC) Well, they're more like tank shells. Even though they're tapered, you always feel like you inserted it "blunt-end" first

There's a great cream that you can only get on perscription - it totally numbs the "punch ball", so you can get on with everyday life. It's called "Schering" and it 'kin brilliant.

As you've found, the bath works wonders.

I must say though - I'll echo others' comments:- very funny thread (I TOTALLY sympathise with you), and you're literary take on the situation is bordering on professional comic (reminiscent of the posts by J4cko - the shooting one in particular)

Hope it all works out - I'm sure you'll keep us posted

Dan

Patt@firstime

FPMSL @ this thread. Just read it start to finish and am in tears laughing brilliant

Spoon

Le KY jelly.