do your worst.....


Black Beard the infamous pirate and his crew came to port. They went
on shore leave in a bar near the docks.

While he was serving drinks, the barman got talking to the pirate.
"Where'd you get that peg leg from?"

"Well, Oi was thrown from me ship during gale force winds, and before
me mate could throw me a line, this big ol' shark came along and bit
me leg clean orf. Har."

Later the barman asked, "And where'd you get that hook, then?"

"Ah, me crew and I were fighting our way through to the treasury and
me arm got cut through the bone in a sword fight with the Captain of
the Guard."

Then the barman asked, "And where'd you get the eye patch from?"

"Har," the pirate said, "I was out on deck one day and a gull flew
over and crapped in me eye."

The barman was puzzled. "How would a gull crapping in your eye make
you wear an eye patch?"

"First day with the hook, har har."

 

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. ‘Jesus Christ!’ he exclaimed.

Joseph said, ‘Write that down, Mary; it's better than Clyde!’

 

A little boy wanted a new bike for Christmas. His mother told him they did not have any money for a bike. But she told him if he would tell Jesus what a good boy he would be, maybe Jesus would allow him to have one.

The little boy sat down to write Jesus a letter. As he began the letter..."Dear Jesus I will be good for one year..." He scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one month..." Then he scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one whole week...." In his disgust he tore up the paper and went for a walk.

As he walked he passed by the local church were there was a Nativity scene. He began to run as fast as he could and, when he past by the figure of Mary, grabbed her up and ran home. He ran in the front door and to his room. There he began a new letter that started..."Dear Jesus if you ever want to see your mother again..."

 

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."

 

Q: Did you hear about the fight in the biscuit tin?

A: The bandit hit the penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue ribbon and made his breakaway in a taxi!

 

police station toilet stolen..... cops have nothing to go on

 

Get some work done you..

 

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.

Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,

"Don't worry. Someday your prints will come".

 

two sausages in a fryin pan

one screams 'aaaghh its hot in here'

the other screams

'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggghhh talking sausage!!!'

 

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

 

Was very disappointed with my Woolworths advent calendar this year
All the windows where boarded up

 

A man goes to the Doctors wearing nothing but Clingfilm as under pants, the Dr says "I can clearly see your nuts".

 

made me snaught that one

 

why did the chicken cross the road?



to get to the other side..........

 

thats terrible m8

 

why cant a car play footballl?
because its only got one boot

thats another bad one haha
emma

 

A pack of mushrooms,,,,One mushroom said to the other there aint mushroom in here is there.....

 

Whats brown an sticky?


A stick!!!

 

Why did the baker have smelly hands ?

because he kneaded a Sh*te !

 

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you chuck it?????

A STICK......

 

A man went up the road the other day, he had hair on just one side of his head. What side?

The outside!!!

 

it is a crap joke thread

 

Did you hear about the magic tractor, it went down the lane and turned into a field .....

 

Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex

Q: If Moms have Mothers Day, and Fathers have Fathers Day. What do Single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday

Q: What has a whole bunch of little ***** and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

 

Why is a xmas tree better than a man?




Coz they stay up day and night, have shiny ***** and look good with the lights on.