John Stevenson

Special report from Scottish Special Agent Adam Crozier, currently working deep undercover as head of the English FA:

Location: Enemy Base Camp, somewhere in the far East.

All going well. Of the original mission I have accomplished:-

1) Closure of Wembley - they are now homeless with no solution in
sight.

2) Loss of 2006 World Cup to Germany

3) Installation of foreign coach - was going to be Fergie but he
couldn't bring himself to do it even for a laugh. Sven agreed on
condition he was allowed to reclaim all blonde Swedish weather
forecasters from the barbarians. Agent Sven performing remarkably - introducing long ball game just before World Cup. We should put them back 10 years by the end of Nigeria match.

4) Beckham fooled into thinking he had an injury - we got Fergie to
show him an x-ray swiped from Glasgow Southern General and told him it was his foot and to stop training. This worked so well we used same x-ray for Neville and Murphy.

5) Took under 21 team away from Peter Taylor who had them playing well
and gave it to Howard Wilkinson. That nearly compromised my cover as
it was too obvious, so hired next best thing - David Platt

6) Our German friends agreed to take a dive in Munich so as to
reinforce unwarranted superiority complex - avoiding awkward questions after Greece/ Holland/Italy games. Now showing real form against Saudi Arabia.

7) Sven secretly signed a three year deal with Swedish FA in April and is in fact managing their team at the World Cup.

8)Fergie has played Veron out of position all year to disguise his
real talent until Friday.

9) I expect to complete mission by July 2002 when Sven takes Ulrika
back to Sweden, media get on the back of all foreign coaches and
insist on an Englishman. I will then give the job to Gazza before
returning to God's country.

Alba Go Bragh

Agent Crozier

jasey

Apparently Bertie Vogts was doing the same thing but has turned double agent - felt sorry for the boys