Squizz

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
English: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
English: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
English: That'll teach you to read through before you start; as now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Gently pry...
English: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
English: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
English: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
English: OK - that's the glass bit off, now get some long nosed pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
English: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing: then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be described as 'lightly'.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
English: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
English: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
English: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two-spanner rating.
English: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three-spanner rating.
English: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two-spanner job.

Haynes: Four-spanner rating.
English: You are seriously considering this aren't you!

Haynes: Five-spanner rating.
English: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
English: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
English: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for it whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
English: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought; it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully......
English: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
English: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant.......
English: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
English: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder unless you refit them.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
English: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
English: Snap off...

Haynes: Everyday tool kit
English: Ensure you have an RAC/AA/Green Flag Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Index
English: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

MATTeL

LMAO.... hurts to breath, tears blurring vision!!

STi wanna Subaru

iTrader: (1)

LMAO So True,

I always love the in depth step by step instructions you get

1. Remove Engine.
2. Refitting is reverse of removal

SWRTWannabe

Some of the stuff is in depth - i.e. the bits you know already...

1 Open driver door
2 Locate the bonnet release catch
3 Gently pull forward until you hear the bonnet catch disengage
4 Go to the front of the car
5 Insert fingers under bonnet and locate the catch
6 Move the catch sideways and lift bonnet
7 Unclip bonnet support and fit into bonnet to ensure it remains open
8 Remove engine

Dizzy

lmfao needed a laugh after a crap meeting

LeighJ

Haynes - turn clockwise
English - oh the other clockwise

SWRTWannabe

A meeting where he upset everyone, I must just add