ANYONE GOT ANY GOOD JOKES FOR A FRIDAY AFTERNOON?
 

get posting! ......

The sexual position formerly know as a "69" is now to be known as a "96".

Due to the rise in inflation, the cost of eating out has risen dramatically.

Scientists have warned that as a result of global warming 75% of the Westwern seaboard of America will be under water by 2020.

On a more serious note Douglas the trombone player from the Lurpak adverts has melted

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That's confidential."

:D

:lol:

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven, the man says he will try.
A week later God visits the man to see how he is doing.
"Not bad" he says
"Ive given up smoking an drinking but when the wife bent over the freezer I had to do her up the backside"
"They dont like that in heaven" god replies
"They werent too happy about it in Asda either" the man replies

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?

Everybody won

What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this country?

Sexy kids.

This is v.funny aswell, the legend Frankie Boyle..

YouTube - Inuit robot butler

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=4yjJFt...eature=related

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we are nuts!" :D

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnosis the doctor asked how often is she having intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday", she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
" I can't", she says. "That's the only time I am home with my husband." :D

Stephen Hawking has broken both legs,1 arm and suffered concusion..he went out on a date and got stood up...

italian guy,when i finish makin aluv too my girlafriend i go down and a gently tickle the back of her knees,she a floats 6 inches above da bed in ecstacy.frenchman,zat is nothing when i finish with ze girl i kiss her all ze waydown her body and zen lick ze soles of ze feet,she floats 12 inches above ze bed in ecstasy.irish man, thats nothing when i finish riding me bird i get out of bed and wipe me knob on the curtains and she hits the bleedin roof.

Winter in America
 

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.



The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

2 brothers are paying in there bedroom when one turns to the other and says..i think we should start swearing, were old enough. so the next morning they went down stairs and there mum asked the first boy ..what would you like for breakfast? to which the boy replied...ill have coco pops BITCH!
his mum gave the boy a whack across the head and sent him to his room..
she then turned and asked the other boy what he wanted for breakfast..to which he replied...i dont know,but i dont want coco pops!!

a polish man and scotsman are sittin in a pub in Glasgow.the polish guy drinks his beer throws his glass in the air and pulls out a gun shoots it he says in poland our glasses are so cheap we dont need to drink from the same one twice.
the scotsman cool as as cucumber drinks his beer throws his glass ,pulls out a gun and shoots the polish guy he says in Scotland we have so many polish we dont have to drink with the same one twice.

a wife moans to her husband a bull can have sex 365 days a year!!!
husband rolls over and says aye but it doesnt have to make love to the same cow everyday lol

:wonder: I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy

a guy goes to the pub and says to his friendyou wont believe what happenedi was taking a shortcut along the railway track when i found a girl tied to it so i untied her and we had sex for hours.
thats great replies his friend did u get a blowjob?
nah i couldnt find her head!!

A sandwich goes into the pub up to the bar and says " pint of bitter please" bar person replies " sorry we don't serve food".

Shakespeare walks into a pub, Landlord says 'get out your barred'

A Vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk -
I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.
She replies - No Sir - its just regular porn, you sick Bast**d !!

:lol1:

real life:
A friend jon, goes to a massage parlour.
Sees a tasty little filipino and says yes please, she then takes him to a private room.
Jon gets stripped and is lying there with a towel around his midrift.

After a few strokes of her deft hands Jon builds a tent within the towel.
The filipino girl looks and says, you like wonk?

Jon says oh yes please !!!!
The filipino girl then leaves the room.
Jon is lying there thinking God am I looking forward to this, she has obviously gone to get some oils and stuff.
Ten minutes pass and the door opens....


























The little filpino enters and says have you finished yet? :eek2:

i would want my money back lol

i was in the cemetery the other day and i saw 4 men carrying a coffin, 3 hours later i saw the same men with the same coffin, i thought to myself they've lost the f***ing plot.............

When you die, your entire porn collection flashes before your eyes...
because you didn't delete it.............. and now it's too late.