would you lend a garbage truck driver your rolls royce?

just read the smeg thread (yes me to)

so if you want it, here it is!

about bloody time!!!

no matter how much I twiddle my nipples I just cant seem to find Jazz FM...

"i wont say his name because that`ll get cut to, but its him, i know its him, and if i ever catch up with him i`m gonna cut both his bo-blunt knife!"

you have to watch that bit really, his hand jesture sells the joke

Your nickname at school was never "Ace" - Maybe "Acehole"...

lister after his fight with hitler in "timeslides"

"i`v nicked his briefcase!"

Do you know what happens after a dinosaur has eaten a cow vindaloo, and then washed this down with 20,000 gallons of a popular fizzy drink ?

Oh and.

'I don't think he meant to use his kidney as an exclamation mark, i think it just...plopped out !.


he he he

rimmer "how can you have kippers for supper?"

lister "theres nothing wrong with kippers"

rimmer "but kippers vindaloo..."

best insult...

"you damp tuft of rectal pubic hair..."

and...

CAT: "all in all a 100% successful trip"

KRYTEN: "but sir, we lost Mr Rimmer..."

CAT: "all in all a 100% successful trip"

Lister "Change of Plan - Leg it!"

Hegeg hegegegegeg (Ainsley Harriout in disguise) "Men they're all bast@rdss, he's left me on my wedding night..."

Krytens "driving" test -

"you're travelling at half the speed of light, what is the stopping distance?"

captain hollister "see you in ten minutes"

lister zaps him with the time wand

captain hollister "see you in ten minutes"

lister zaps him with the time wand

captain hollister "see you in ten minutes"

lister zaps him with the time wand

captain hollister "see you in ten minutes"

lister zaps him with the time wand

captain hollister "see you in ten minutes"

lister zaps him with the time wand

captain hollister "see you in ten minutes"

lister zaps him with the time wand

captain hollister "see you in ten minutes"

Cracked me up when Rimmer got hold of the confidential files and saw that Holister has piles, that 'applicator glove' with one finger !!!!!

Kryten "That perfume is simplt enchanting, what is it?"

Camille "WD40"

The ships self destruct that's wired to the sweet machine.

10...
9...
8...
7...
6...
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
0... Self Destruct sequence complete...

...Toffee Crisp...

PMSL at the applicator glove aswell!!

and who can forget the gift wrapped tampon?

The Cats words of wisdom...

"somethings coming - and it does not smell good"

"You're gonna listen to one of my plans? What If we all die, I'll never hear the end of it!"

I'm sorry, all I could think of saying was "geronimo!"

Napoleon! You are my all time favourite facist dictator!

Jesus its like stumbling into a Star Trek convention!

Simon.

kryten hands cat a small tape

"keep this safe its mr.listers mind"

cat drops it in his coffee

"where've you been?"

"I ran into McGruder, all you need to know is - I gave her one!

lister to rimmer

"remember yvonne mcgruder? you really liked her didnt ya? i went out with her ya`know, before you did. we broke up in the end it relly hurt me, i`v still got the scars today. they never heal carpet burns do they? BOTH CHEEKS MAN! SHE NEARLY WORE THEM DOWN TO THE BONE!!!"

pmsl :D

forgotten about that one...

Lister "we did it on Bootle municiple golf course - she just stood there naked in front of me. I was so exited I nearly dropped me skateboard..."
Rimmer "Skateboard? How old were you?"
Lister "12"
Rimmer "12! - you can't have been a full member of the golf club then. That would been a hell of a lie to get into - Listers buttock crevice - you'd need more than a Nibblick to get that one out"
Lister "are you saying I've got a big bum?"
Rimmer "Big? It's like 2 badly parked Volkswagons..."

[Edited by messiah - 10/16/2003 12:27:50 PM]

[Edited by messiah - 10/16/2003 12:30:01 PM]

Two of my favourites:

Lister : Well, if you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten, now's the time to mention it.

Kryten : No plan, sir. No sleeves.


...and...

Rimmer : Step up to Red Alert!

Kryten : Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

http://www.reddwarf.co.uk/deck03/toa...ech_header.jpg

... dated worse....

only due to very poor disco lighting...

killcrazy: "LETS GO KILL SOMETHING, YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHH!!"

and then he calmly walks away

fantastic! i think im gonna have to order series 1 2 n 3 off play.com tonight!